You don't see it

You don't notice the confusion I go through everyday, of if I'm even prepared to leave the house alone 

You don't notice the way I need to physically think about walking like the rest of you

You don't notice the way I ache when I walk, everything is hidden from you

You don't notice the vulnerability I feel everyday, the way I feel so lost and confused to even ask someone how their feeling.. 

You don't notice the memory problems, the way I need to try and remember everything I do during the day, I'm living in a distant lost and confused world.. 

Distant enough to feel like I've let myself down, the way I think to myself 

'I used to walk like that'

And try to remember how fast I used to walk, 

People take advantage;

They assume I'm okay to do things they'd class as okay, I feel scared to say no and tell them I'm not like that.

It's broken me;

Broken my thoughts of stopping myself have anymore illnesses to tick off my long list..

'Right Lizzie don't go on sun beds even though it's in fashion, you don't want to get cancer'

'Right Lizzie, don't smoke because you don't want to have a heartattack'

It's harder than you think, 

I don't even want you to think about my struggles because it'll make you think I'm as weird as I feel day to day.. 

Confidence is hard to gain when you can't properly process life

I've tried to Forget this ever happened to me, I find it hard to even wake up most mornings because I'm scared that I'll be paralysed again, 

I was in a&e yesterday, only people i really talk to actually know this.. 

I woke up with the same signs I had last time, so I went to a&e to get it checked.. 

As I walked through the corridor and passing the bay's of people admitted and I'll, I saw it. 

The place, the machine and the curtain 

'Hello Elizabeth.. are you awake now sweetie?.. Can you hear me?' 

As I struggled to properly open my eyes 

I looked down and was attatched to so many machines which scared me more, I cried in desperation of why I was on that position, 'right Lizzie I need you to swallow this for me, can you tell me where you are?' Again I cried.. 

My mum at the end of the bed sobbing more than I've ever seen her cry..

'Right, we can clarify she's had a stroke'

My heart sunk, probably the furthest it's ever going to sink.. To a stomach that felt as if it was a bottomless pit.. 

I sat in the bed anxiously waiting to see if I'd had another stroke or suffered a mini one.. 

I was so worried I'd end up in that position again, so I wanted to get it checked out..

It was clear but the visions of when I last woke up there weren't.. 

My strokes made me a stronger person but weak at the same time.. 

You wouldn't understand unless it happens to any of you..