I'm still the girl that gets questions..
''So how far are you into your recovery?''
theres no percentage on recovery, and i certainly don't want to put one on it..
I'm still the girl;
the girl that trips over her feet when walking
the girl that gets weekly blood tests to check her blood range
the girl that takes 10 tablets a day to keep her healthy and alive
the girl that hides her arm incase it sticks out and people stare
the girl that falls over when trying to step over something
the girl that tries to hard to get back to normality
the girl who is refused physio because she's 'too far' into her recovery
the girl who struggles with remembering simple things
the girl who's smile is slightly slanted
the girl who's brain is trying to connect everyday
the girl who gets her words mixed up
the girl who can't go back to work...
I'm always recovering and I'm always going to be 'that girl'
I still get flashbacks from the night of my stroke, anyone would..
People tell me to 'move on and get over it'
How can you get over something thats damaged you and changed everything in your life, body mind and soul...
Tuesday 22 March 2016
Thursday 10 March 2016
''How are you finding it Lizzie?''
*mouth opens wide, a deep breath of air inhales into lungs..*
*Come on Lizzie you can do this, don't keep telling your fatigue it's winning... please*
*okay brain, shut up lets go*
As I lift my left arm into my coat hoping I've chosen the right one
*what if it rains??, oh wait you've got a hood its cool.*
*no seriously brain you're making me tired*..
I check I've got everything;
drink (with enough sugar to stop me fainting)
tablets ( because lets face it, you need those 9 evening tablets to keep you sane)
epilepsy card (because no one seems to have a clue what the recovery position is..)
* shit lizzie, what if you have a huge seizure, i mean you haven't had one for ages but remember you've never done a long day like this*
*right Lizzie, you're anxiety needs to leave. its an incurable illness, so.. deal with it.*
My left leg steps forward to the door;
my right leg follows as I shut the door behind me I look to the top of my long narrow road..
I make my escape from a place i spent a year sitting in.. ( I walk to uni)
It takes me 10 minutes, with a few set backs by a second with the crossroads on old dover road..
you know, opposite the college?.
I always check my reflection from the side in windows as I wander past, checking I'm walking okay
Telling myself constantly that I walk perfectly normal, just with this strange bulge on my left calf, where my AFO splint holds up my slowly improving drop foot..
Making people probably wonder if I've broken my ankle..
I hold my arm against my stomach, under my coat, sometimes letting go ( on the sly) to see if its resting by my side enough to let go..
*Liz, you're hands showing, the slightly clenched fist*
*Yeah and what? I've had my nails done..*
I walk holding my head high, sometimes if I don't tighten my splint tight enough I trip a bit but I walk okay other than that set back.. I hide the trip well
*okay Lizzie people won't read this..*
I got to the coach ready for my 7 hour uni trip in London.
Wondering if its a good idea.
I'm on the coach now, its left, everyones ready..
''okay guys fill in your health declaration forms please''
so I did as I think its probably for the best..
1 hour, no naps later..
''were meeting here at 7''
We wander to brick lane, slight detour to find the sights of where jack the rippers victims were found..
As we reach brick lane we head straight to the bagel shop..
arm flicks out, eyes roll to the left and you get anxious
*oh my god Lizzie, you've just had an absent seizure*
Carry on to spitalfields..
My feet ache and my blisters are throbbing,
as people walk fast past me some nudging some avoiding us, I walk as fast as I can to catch up with everyone,
2 hours later
two blisters and about 20 absent seizures..
We reach white chapel gallery to watch some guy (Lance Wyman) do a ''talk''
for 2 hours!!.
head starts rolling forward, eyes get tired and a headache kicks in..
*Lizzie you had a free drink, why didn't you get alcohol? urr because i'd be drunk?*
''Okay thats my lecture done''
*bloody hell, thank god!*
The stairs down had about three flights and I'm still walking one step at a time..
The traffic jam builds up behind me..
We leave London, and arrive to Canterbury at 11.
Second uni trip done!
my fatigue isn't even that bad today..
*Come on Lizzie you can do this, don't keep telling your fatigue it's winning... please*
*okay brain, shut up lets go*
As I lift my left arm into my coat hoping I've chosen the right one
*what if it rains??, oh wait you've got a hood its cool.*
*no seriously brain you're making me tired*..
I check I've got everything;
drink (with enough sugar to stop me fainting)
tablets ( because lets face it, you need those 9 evening tablets to keep you sane)
epilepsy card (because no one seems to have a clue what the recovery position is..)
* shit lizzie, what if you have a huge seizure, i mean you haven't had one for ages but remember you've never done a long day like this*
*right Lizzie, you're anxiety needs to leave. its an incurable illness, so.. deal with it.*
My left leg steps forward to the door;
my right leg follows as I shut the door behind me I look to the top of my long narrow road..
I make my escape from a place i spent a year sitting in.. ( I walk to uni)
It takes me 10 minutes, with a few set backs by a second with the crossroads on old dover road..
you know, opposite the college?.
I always check my reflection from the side in windows as I wander past, checking I'm walking okay
Telling myself constantly that I walk perfectly normal, just with this strange bulge on my left calf, where my AFO splint holds up my slowly improving drop foot..
Making people probably wonder if I've broken my ankle..
I hold my arm against my stomach, under my coat, sometimes letting go ( on the sly) to see if its resting by my side enough to let go..
*Liz, you're hands showing, the slightly clenched fist*
*Yeah and what? I've had my nails done..*
I walk holding my head high, sometimes if I don't tighten my splint tight enough I trip a bit but I walk okay other than that set back.. I hide the trip well
*okay Lizzie people won't read this..*
I got to the coach ready for my 7 hour uni trip in London.
Wondering if its a good idea.
I'm on the coach now, its left, everyones ready..
''okay guys fill in your health declaration forms please''
so I did as I think its probably for the best..
1 hour, no naps later..
''were meeting here at 7''
We wander to brick lane, slight detour to find the sights of where jack the rippers victims were found..
As we reach brick lane we head straight to the bagel shop..
arm flicks out, eyes roll to the left and you get anxious
*oh my god Lizzie, you've just had an absent seizure*
Carry on to spitalfields..
My feet ache and my blisters are throbbing,
as people walk fast past me some nudging some avoiding us, I walk as fast as I can to catch up with everyone,
2 hours later
two blisters and about 20 absent seizures..
We reach white chapel gallery to watch some guy (Lance Wyman) do a ''talk''
for 2 hours!!.
head starts rolling forward, eyes get tired and a headache kicks in..
*Lizzie you had a free drink, why didn't you get alcohol? urr because i'd be drunk?*
''Okay thats my lecture done''
*bloody hell, thank god!*
The stairs down had about three flights and I'm still walking one step at a time..
The traffic jam builds up behind me..
We leave London, and arrive to Canterbury at 11.
Second uni trip done!
my fatigue isn't even that bad today..
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