I can't be like the rest of you

One thing I've learnt this year is that maybe the night I wore my heels this year I should of probably appreciated making my legs feel slim and look toned. Perhaps that night when I stumbled and my ankle turned out was a huge warning sign for the fact is never wear heels again. 

Everything dress or skirt that I wear is worn with tights to hide my hideous splint, that even the people who knew about my stroke would still point and look confused or slag me off to their mates saying 'oh my god wtf is that' knowing full well if I didn't have it I'd probably break my ankle 

I can't change my nail colour every night like I used too, constantly trying out random Barry m colours just to see if they'd look like shellac depending on how thick I'd done them. 

I can't hug my boyfriend with both hands or arms, so for now it's the one armed grip. 

I can't stand for to long without my leg shaking like a lunatic. It even does it in bed it's my legs way of reminding me I'm extremely tired (just sit down not only are you 9stone but I'm physically failing) 

I will probably never be 'normal' enough to actually be invited out again, no matter how much of a bold front I put on, even to pizza express.. That's the worst part, I'll never experience dough balls again unless I go with my family

I can't go a week without having a blood test, not only to remind me I'm different but to remind me I'm either at huge risk of another stroke or, my bloods behaving. 

I get extremely bad when it comes to holding a conversation, I forget I get confused and I'll look really upset half way through when in my head I'm thinking (when can I sleep? As much as I like this person when can I just sit and feel relaxed again, please?!?!)

There's so many more and I'm sure as the years go on I'll have enough to write a novel. 

According to my mum, 'this too shall pass....  

My unhealthy addiction.

So I've hesitated to come to terms with it and I never wanted to actually admit it but now I realise. So here's the truth... 

I have one of the most unhealthy addictions anyone can have, you'll all laugh cause obviously you all know what it is and anyone could of actually guessed it. 

Social media. 

I spent 3months on it in hospital, constantly looking at photos of things I wanted to do, people I wanted to be like, photos of my old mates doing things I wanted to do, I'd flick through anything I could daily even if I knew I'd been on them 3minutes before. 

'Delete the apps lizzie' 

It took me three hours just watching the apps wobble on my screen before instead of pressing cancel I pressed delete.

Even if I knew no one would of added anything and it's just full of people I really don't give a shit about. Some of whom only added me because I'd had a stroke. 

I spent 3/4 months alone in my house, travelling to hospital appointments or just laying on my bed bored going on anything social media. It doesn't help my brain, Infact my neuropsycologist tried to stop me by telling me to sell my phone or just never have it on. 

I cried for three days straight, she'd text me morning and evening reminding me not to go on anything 

'It's bad for you, you'll get upset, you're not helping your brain Lizzie' 

I literally sat talking to her for an hour just crying constantly  screwing my hair up trying to rip it out, screaming endlessly just stamping on the floor and breathing so heavy I could of caused another stroke. 

'I can't stop, I'm addicted, help me please help me' 

It's not until I met dan about 3 months later that I realised how bad it was/is. 

'Babe your with me, just turn it off' 

I spent Christmas evening crying to him for about an hour because I can't stop. It gets so bad that I still pick up my phone and look for the apps. Knowing I've deleted any app that involves social media. 'Just stop Lizzie just stop you can do it' 

I'll repeat this in my head. I look over my mums shoulder when I know she's on Facebook just to see the layout. It's so bad that I've logged onto my emails just to be able to scroll through something and feel like I've seen something new something interesting or something that gives me a weird 'boost' 

Yeah I have one of the most unhealthy addictions...

To the point where I've lost one boyfriend over it and I nearly lost dan. Oh and my old mates,  because I'd endlessly look at people clubbing and having a good time wishing I was, wishing the days away and praying that I could be like that one day. 

So yeah, that's my addiction... And this is my time to tell you all. Even though you definitely all knew. 

New movements

Tonight the most amazing thing happened, I moved my hand (well thumb) but it's a start... 

If I could post videos on here I would but it won't let me unfortunately. It took so much thinking and brain work to physically make it move even just the tiniest bit 

I've been doing it over and over all night just to get that sense of achievement back. 

''You look really well''

I might look well but I'm not, 

I'm confused lost and almost mourning for a body part that I may not ever gain back. 

You constantly sit and smile, thinking 'I wonder if I look okay' 'I wonder if my mouth is noticeable' 'I need to laugh soon incase someone wonders why I'm not' 

I can't physical filter people's emotions anymore, to the point where after someone tells a joke if I look blank they'll need to say 'liz that was a joke you know'

Then I laugh... 

I think I look okay but I don't, I look odd weird and strange. I've tried focusing on how to overcome this stroke but I can't, it's making me feel awful. To the point where I'm regretting ever going near salt or people who smoked around me, wondering if that could've stopped this happening to me. 

I've pretty much lost everything...

I crave the day I can run to bed or to when dan knocks on my door just so he realises how exciting seeing him can be. 

I crave the day I look at my hand and it magically opens so much that I cry with over excitement and happiness. I crave the day I can actually smile and reply 'yeah I am really well thankyou' instead of a wonky smile that anyone can look at and can tell its fake.

I'm oblivious to anything now, I just stare and smle hoping that I look okay, knowing I don't. If I try to walk with my head up I walk in a wonky line I then get upset because I hate it. I hate this new me, I hate what it's done to my brain, leg, arm, face and my feelings.

So please don't tell me I look really well the inside is more painful than when you burn your hand on straighteners 

You have two choices

you can let it defeat you or you can let it beat you,
What are you going to do? Only you can decide this...



No matter how hard everyday is, I try my hardest to just put on a smile and believe I can actually beat my stroke.
When I want to do something, i'll do it. Even if it's walking into and around town on my own just to buy last minute christmas presents.

I got stares and glares and probably people thinking odd stuff, but I did it.

One thing my doctor said too me in hospital was 'you can let this defeat you or you can try your hardest to beat it' I found that so hard to take it, more to the fact I had no idea what life was going to throw at me next, was I going to die?...
Is this her way of telling me that I could have something worse happen?...
I got a stern look from her and i'll never forget it. It was like mrs Trunch-ball from Matilda staring into my eyes after she finds out Matilda had stolen a chocolate from her house. ( you'll understand if you've seen the film)

Now i'm living life like I never thought I would, Get up, get dressed and just follow out anything I have planned, even if I really can't be bothered)
I thought my walking days were over, but there not. thank god, as i'm walking more than I thought I ever would again.

The other day after I told Dan I was going into town on my own to just finish my christmas shopping, He went 'Babe you need to rest'
'no Dan, I need to do this otherwise my strokes beating me'
After the hardest day shopping (yeah, really hard) but honestly my feet ached and I had so many shopping bags it was making my body physically hard to move. Oh and it was freezing.
I sat down on a bench outside the bus station ( the good old 'hangout place') people would go before & after school. You'll know if you hung around in Canterbury after school, literally for no reason but to just get some time with your mates & eat cheap sweets from Tesco. Before going home to your parents to pretend you 'haven't spent your lunch money on anything but proper lunch' with the obvious lying face and pulling the fakest smile.

as I was on the phone to Dan he literally said 'Babe I told you not to go into town you need to walk home & have an early night'
I got so angry, 'No Dan! i'm not letting this stroke beat me, what would I be then? stuck in a 'rut' just a heap of nothingness a disappointment to anyone in my family and people who visited me in hospital, i'm going to walk home i'm not giving up'
'Okay babe, thats your choice' He sighed and just said ' I have no sympathy as it was your choice and I told you it'd be too much'

I then stumbled home...

Distant memories

Hello to my old room, a room id run upstairs to just chill and watch endless films/ TV shows till I was tired enough to sleep. 

I sit here on days where I'm doing nothing all day (everyday) just to chill and get space, from the world and emotions that my brain tries to make my body feel 

This room is my room and will always be my room, I cry everyfime I sit on the sofa bed that's been put in the space where my bed once was. That bed, the bed where it happened 

Sometimes I sit in the same space and just cry endlessly looking at the ceiling and asking my brain to just make me normal again, 'please brain please just come back to me, I need you. I want you and I know you're there' 

All the tiny cells that were destroyed in an instant and disappeared somewhere in my tiny head. 

It's hard to imagine my life before the stroke, I'm so used to being in the body my brains chosen to give me that I had to ask my mum 'mum what was I like before my stroke?' 

That hurt. You think you're ready to 'move on and face the world' even if you're stuck working shitty hours and stupidly accepting Any overtime only thinking of how big your face will be the next payday not thinking of your health or how those extra few hours could change your life forever

'Don't let this destroy you lizzie' I tell myself that everyday when I wake up, when I sit down, when I'm doing my makeup and trying to make both sides of my lips look equal. 

This rooms changed so much it kills me inside to even try to picture how it was before. It gets so bad that sometimes halfway through the night if I wake up and go to the loo I'll turn to the door to this room and assume that I would walk up the stairs and just see my room. The only room I want the only place I can just fix my head and chill 

The cupboards are filled with my step dads shirts and clothes, not mine. Not the same layout I had. There's still space for shoes to go In the shoe section which I thought was to best thing 'oh my god my shoes are on show' when really it probably just made my room smell 

It doesn't even smell the same, it used to smell of perfume, body sprays and girlie things. Now that's another memory, it's got a manly musky smell of exercise matts that lay where my bed should be, where my bed should be placed. 

I used to sit on the floor with my sketchbooks till early hours and just attempt to fill them up with decorations and fancy typography. I can't do that anymore, another distant memory. I miss the days of being so organised that I knew off the top of my head what my schedule for the following day would be. 

I had random moments when I'd just get up and start doing weird dances in this room or I'd just start rearranging my furniture 'Liz, it's midnight go to sleep!' I was always mad. I just had random moments where I'd accept change and could deal with it. Now I can't, I had change. I had a panic attack the other day cause mum said she's ordered a new sofa, I'm scared that life's gonna be changing do much so that it will slowly destroy me. 

But yet here I am sitting in my room trying to get my memory back, good memories and bad. You know I can't even reach the blind to close it anymore cause I can't balance on my leg. So no wonder it took my mum weeks to tell me 'Liz, you might not be able to walk upstairs anymore, me and mike were wondering how you'd feel having the spair room?' 

I had no choice but to pretend I was excited to have a new room to just have a new view and layout but now I hate it, it's not my room it's not my chill out place. It's awkward and just a spare room to me. My rooms a distant memory somewhere in this dull brain 

Getting in the Christmas spirit

So every Christmas id wake up extra early and run down the stairs to open my presents even at the age of 19 if still do this, but now what do I do? 

I've decided to slowly walk downstairs and open them Infact that's a lie, me and dan are opening them in my bed so we can rest aswell. I think I'm more excited about waking up with my boyfriend than I am to open my presents. Mainly because I haven't asked for anything accept 'a new arm please' just as a joke so I know my wish won't come true, and I'll probably recieve loads of presents that remind me I've had a stroke (from my dad and that side) as I hardly see them, I literally can't think of anything worse than having to pretend I'm really happy to recieve a book or something on 'stroke recovery' lol. 

I know it's about the festive spirit and just being around family but when you only get one day a year to see family and open gifts from them, but when a nurse tells you 'don't let the stroke become your life' before I left hospital. And on that one day you were only to recieve presents that give you back horrid memories and will be a constant reminder what do you do? Put on a fake smile and pretend you're extremely happy to of recieved a book on 'how to gain your memory back' 

'Oh thanks, that's urr really kind of you' (wankers I'm not gonna remember anything that's a ctually in the book cause if you remember my brain doesn't actually remember anything anymore)

My brains taking over my life

I actually can't deal with being here, it's like I feel to confused to even sleep. I get so disorientated and feel like my bodies a completely different person to me, I just want it to stop like I just want to be normal again I just want my life back. To literally walk out of my room and everything to just magically come back; my life, my strength, my brain, my skin, my voice, my whole world basically. 

I'm so confused that I can't process anything anymore it's like everything's a massive blur to me. I get odd looks and fake smiles but it hurts to much to cope with anymore, I literally wish this was a dream and to be able to wake up and have some huge adventure to tell people. I see this as karma for all the bad things I did in life, like being so rude and horrible to people 

life's become a blur

I follow the same routine I had in hospital where I take my tablets at specific times and id i'm late taking them I get scared i'll have another stroke.

Days go by quicker but still feel long, my brains having a quicker walk to my next destination before my bodies physically even left the house. It's like looking out of a car window, your brains processing every movement, every item you see. But your body stays in the same position, the same place and everything remains so still (unless you get a twitch)

It reminds me of being on the stroke ward just aimlessly looking for a bird to come and do a turd on my left shoulder to wake my whole left side up (obviously a miracle that would never of happened)

Every time I go to sit on a chair I get the weirdest twitch in my brain that assumes I need to be wearing a seatbelt, perhaps it's where my brain associated sitting still with things moving past you (people outside the window) is exactly like being in a car. Sometimes I even turn to my side to find a seatbelt it's that bad. I then get scared because I can't find one. ( sounds funny to you and I realised I made it kinda sound like I had a flying sofa with the 'when everything's moving past you' but I can reassure you I don't, it's; a dull red colour, covered in illnesses that remind me of the days i'd come home to my mum laying here being given chemotherapy randomly throwing up into a bucket and as the days went on, her hair was getting thinner and thinner but I had to lie and say it was still thick and looked healthy)
Okay so that was the longest sentence to possibly be put into brackets lol.


I literally get so gittery ( not glittery incase people read that wrong, i'm unfortunately not a fairy.. yet ;) miracles can happen though lol)...
whenever I walk into a room full of people, people that usually sympathetically smile because they notice my hand before they even look at my face. Infact once I actually got scared I had millions of stalkers, because of being on the news & stuff, I then stopped and thought 'Liz are you weird? No one gives a s*** they're just being as nosey as you would if someone different walked in'

After this post i've realised I really need to stop putting 'lol' but I do it so much when I text it's a habbit, so sorry if it really annoys people.

But yeah, life's a total blur to the point where I just 'go with the flow' and try to deal with it. `even though deep down i'm breaking down and so scared.

heres a list of things that can increase or decrease your blood levels

So my bloods been 1.9 for about a month now, when before it was about 2 which is my range (not thick enough to have another stroke)


I've been given a huge list of stuff that can make my blood levels change ( going thicker to being thin) it's literally longer than my arm and makes me feel like crap as I can't even eat half the food I could before my stroke.

I was going to write it in here but I know most of you would freak out and probably go on some mad diet just to not have a stroke, so I wont.

The little things in life

Something people say on a daily basis but something I miss on a daily basis, 

I miss the ache you'd get in your thumb after cutting something really tough up ready to eat it

I miss rubbing both hands through my hair and massaging my scalp till I felt relaxed 

I miss walking downstairs faster than anything sometimes running

I miss holding bags on my arm and being like the rest of my generation

I miss feeling normal and doing normal things, as the days go on I realise all I do is wait around for someone to just take me out and actually involve me in an activity 

I miss looking at clothes in shops and not getting tired whilst doing it

I miss work and uni 

I miss the feeling you get after you've had an amazing sleep cause now I just get tired asap 

I miss not feeling underwater and worrying about having another stroke 

I miss my leg just moving without me constantly thinking about it 

So yep that's the little things for me that I might never get back 

The NHS

This is purely a huge thankyou to the NHS 

you saved me when I was 15months old and my kidneys were failing

You also diagnosed me with an illness that not many doctors knew existed when I had severe headaches and sezuires 

Oh and you saved my life when I had a stroke.

Some people who live in poorer countries aren't as lucky as us whom live in England, they'd have to pay to be in hospital and receive any sort of medication, you might of missed my warning signs but I am and was 'too young' to of had a stroke 

If we didn't have the NHS half my family definitely wouldn't be alive anymore, nor would I. The nurses on the stroke ward who sat with me and watched me cry, who hugged me on nights where I'd just want my mum ( don't laugh, I'm sure some of you still cry for your mum) 

The hardest job, would be to watch those who suffer and live in worry, those at any age who can go through life changing experiences, these nurses watch this day in and day out. They give up their nights and weekends to care for the country and for people who need life changing support. You've looked after me since I was a baby and today I just want to thankyou for giving me the most amazing gift- life. For helping me when I needed support and medication to keep me alive on a daily basis. I get so angry when I see people slate the NHS. Just think, you could live in another country and pay for everything from; just having your blood taken, to just sitting in a hospital bed if you were nearly dying 

When you don't want to give up

Okay so none of you will relate to this feeling unless you've lost a loved one, had a serious life changing illness or felt so unsure on life but this is the best way of explaining how I felt so here goes..

(Oh and dan, you read all my blog posts and have probably clicked this link but don't read it because I don't want to upset you) :) 

You know when you get asked 'are you okay? Do you need help?' And you simply reply 'no I'm fine' but deep down in your head it's like 'of course I do in in agony and uncontrollable pain that I know won't stop, just help me and stop with the silly questions' 

The best way to compare it for those who haven't felt hurt by anything I explained at the top, its like when you leave a house thinking 'yeah I'm gonna get absolutely 'mortal' and have the best night, rejecting the fact half your facebook friends say taking photos on a night out doesn't exactly express a good night, you go out you start drinking and you then don't feel drunk enough to 'smash it boi' or get so drunk that you can brag about it to all your Facebook friends who sincerely don't actually care (sorry) 

It's exactly like that, you then drink yourself silly just to actually stick by what you said you were going to do, not realising the damage you're doing to your body. And not wanting to 'give up' because a weird alcohol based feeling in your bodies saying you'll fail if you don't get 'mortal' 

The fault in our stars;

A film you've all seen and probably think 'why would you watch it if you knew it'd upset you' 

well...

 it's because one scene where hazel attempts to walk up all the stairs in the Anne frank house and succeeds reminded me of how I always wanted to give up and sometimes still do just rejecting help when people offer it to me just prove to myself and the person that I will, I can and I'll try to do it just to feel a sense of achievement, 

hazel starts walking and Augustus stops her realising how she physically can't do it but doesn't want to upset her asks if she wants to stop. 'No it's fine, I'm fine I can do it' she drags herself up this flight of stairs so out of breath (because of her condition) that she stops and just needs to take a break. But she doesn't give up she keeps on fighting. It's like a comparison to when your fatigue (an after stroke side affect) is so bad that you physically need to stop but your body and the working part of your brains saying 'no don't give up you can and will do it, don't be a failure to people who support you' 

So yeah that's it.

ps: don't watch the fault in our stars unless you want to cry so much so your mum has to hug you to stop it. 

You can ask me anything

II always get the comment ' I didn't wanna ask too much about your stroke because I didn't know if you want to talk about it' 

Honestly I'd rather you ask, instead of probably assuming the wrong stuff, if I didn't want to talk about it I wouldn't express my feelings in my blogs, nor would I write blogs to raise awareness of how life destroying a stroke can be. My aim in life is to get the message out about strokes in young people and how things you wouldn't even consider that I see people doing on weekly basis can possibly cause a stroke. Anything you want to ask me, don't feel scared just message me because I'm not rude I'll just tell you exactly what it's like (unless you ask how I have sex) which I have had before believe it or not (dan will 100% cringe at that) 

''Good Luck on your marathon''

are you actually having a laugh, I can barely walk let alone run. I can't even roll over in bed without forgetting about my left arm. I'm definitely not training for a marathon anytime soon.

So to those who were really that stupid enough to believe I am, you need a reality check, or you're not following my recovery enough to realise i'd come last and probably faint after a second of it starting.

This is short but because I got my blog deleted off of a group i'm on called 'different strokes' that accused me of 'trying to raise money for my marathon' even though I clearly stated ''hey guys this is my blog i'd really appreciate it if you could read it''

'I need to just go home'

Losing my hand so tight, So again I had my arm Physio, walking through the stroke ward is possibly the worst thing to do but it seems to be the only way to get to the gym from the hospital, dan came with me as he realises how hard walking through the stroke ward can be. 

We walked to the gym and waited on a stool as my Physio was teaching someone to walk, as I waited for the door to actually get to the gym to be unlocked by a nurse, I watched families walk out of the wards crying and holding hands, going into a 'family room' I looked up the corridor to see where dan was, this is what hurt the most, seeing family members walking to look out of a large window over looking the cricket ground next door to where my room was before I went into the ward, I watched them stare out this winding rubbing their tears clearly holding in their emotions, it made me stop and just imagine how it felt for my family when they visited me in that room. It hurt so much that before walking into the gym I just walked away from dan and walked to just escape and leave to walk to his car 'baby what's wrong' 

'I can't do it dan, it's horrible like I want to just go home' 

'But baby it'll be over soon' 

I burst into tears and just grabbed him so tight, I then explained that it breaks my heart seeing family members of patients crying after visiting their loved ones. 

They're the strong ones, 

holding in the tears and staying strong it makes me wonder how my mum actually kept a smile everytime she'd sit next to my hospital bed holding my hand so tight telling me everything will be okay, but not sure if it would her only thought was probably 'I need to be strong for my daughter' 

I felt so confused so lost and so unsure that it confused dan as he didn't know how to react to my emotions. 

It really hurt deep inside just trying to imagine the fear those family members felt. Not knowing if someone they'll love will recover or die, to put it bluntly but truthfully. 

As I finished my Physio session I walked past the family room and just saw all the families crying and comforting each other. Trying to anyway even though I'm sure anything people said to them just drifted over their heads trying to stay strong for the person laying in a hospital bed sometimes so oblivious to the world that they can't say a word. 

'shes getting like johnathon ross derek''

So my nan who I hardly see anymore and my grandad, are always so shocked when I'm on the media (radios, tv and  newspaper)

It's so mad. It all comes at once, literally as if I don't get a break. It's nice to be promoting strokes and talking so publicly but sometimes it's hard. 

My nan thinks I'm turning into Johnston Ross, I can assure you I'm definitely not. But this quote did make me laugh. 

My bodies so weak

I'm learning more about my 'new body' as time goes on, when it's hot, I get really stiff and sweat more, when it's cold (like now) even if I wrap up, my leg goes so stiff, so stiff that sometimes it's literally impossible to walk. My arm curls up into a tight fist every morning and when I walk, 

My face droop shows when I cry, get tired or don't wear makeup.

Every morning before I can get ready I need to massage the back of my left calf, because otherwise I physically can't walk without falling over. 

If I've been sitting down for like an hour, I physically can't Stand up until my leg is stretched and my arm/hand stretches forwards. Then I'm ready to move. 

In bed when I roll over to my right side, my left arms still so weak that I forget about it and it gets stuck behind my back so everytime I feel I need to move in my sleep I have to plan it and carry my left arm with my body. 

When I get nervous my arm twitches outwards (sometimes hitting something) asif I'm making it move, but I'm not I'm just really anxious and I cAll it my brains way of waking me up. 

Where my shoulders sublaxed and its dropped out of the socket (all the muscles are gone) I have to physically move lift and pull on my my arm to click it. 

When I get tired my leg shakes so much so that it scares me, it's unstoppable and does it when I stand for too long

Sorry this post is so long but I've only just come to terms with how the strokes affected me 

'Someone has a stroke every three minutes'

So last night was my first chance to give something back to the stroke association, a religious speech for people who wanted to raise money for such an amazing organisation, 

The opening speech hurt more than the main speech I actually did;

'Did you know one person has a stroke every 3minutes, that means by the time I've finished this speech someone you love or care about could of had one'

I literally was so hurt by hearing this, just thinking of how strokes need more awareness and how I'd hate to see even my worst enemy to have one. 

So I had my speech near the start (which helped me get it over and done with) after they played a video of a choir of older ladies & men that have aphasia. Something I'm very lucky to not of gained, the tone of my voice has changed but I can still speak. Some people who have strokes loose all their speech, finding it impossible to read or write. Imagine that was someone you loved, this is what caused my tears, they didn't choose for it to happen, nor did they expect it. 

But because of such an amazing charity, stroke is being promoted and prevented more and more. 

It helps

When I listen to 'old songs' i'd listen too when at my friends houses or that i'd repeat over /7 over on my old tiny ipod shuffle that would always run out of battery, you know the one with the fancy large circle to play/pause the song.To be honest the only one people could afford because it was like £70.

Well i've realised it helps my memory and to remember things I've done in 'the after life' which i've decided to call my old life ( stupid yeah I know but it makes me feel better than saying 'the old me')
It's almost like the theory of 'life after death' accept mines 'life after stroke' and a part of me died, so my theory of life after deaths become much stronger ( thankyou stroke)

I've started listening to old songs that i'd of listened too years ago, normally like;
Netsky
Deadmau5
Calvin Harris's old stuff
Old chris brown
Drake
Sometimes if i'm feeling desperate Wiley ( Never liked him much to be honest)

What the fuck do I do?

Okay sorry for the extreme name of this post but I actually have no idea what to do, what would you do if;

You had to leave you're family/friends

boyfriend or girlfriend? 

Your home

a place you're familiar with

all your support networks that you've learnt to deal with

You're bed

Infact to put it bluntly everything you have now. 

What would you do? 

I've been offered an assesment to QeF a rehabilitation centre that helps young people who've had brain injuries and stuff.. 

In Surrey, a place;

I don't know

I have no friends

I have no clue where anything is

No support network that I can easily find

No local shops I know or like 

No family that I can see if I'm upset or want a hug or a chat

Fair play its a good place but bloody hell, like I had a 'lizzies countdown to coming home' chart next to my hospital bed I hated hospital that much, this to me will be the same, I can't think of leaving everything I've trained my brain to get used too for the past 10 months, I'm literally so scared, so scared that I could actually scream until I lose my voice 

'Yeah but it'll be good for you liz'' hmm... 

''Yeah but you'll learn how to live independently liz'' hmmm... 

Don't act asif you'd find it easy, you'd find it hard, if they actually accept me, I'll be in a house/flat alone, every night, every day and some people spend years there.. Fuck that for a laugh. 

I'd come home and be even more confused than after I leave the sofa to do something and forget what I left for... 

'You'll benefit from it liz'' 

'Think about the rest of your life, not just now'' 

Ummm, okay so I've learnt how to live in my own house again for what exactly? To be sent away to be somewhere that no one can come see me? Yeah so what the fuck do I do? 

What would you do? 

Turning a negative into a positive part 2

So I did write a blog post at the beginning of my blog called 'turning a negative into a positive' about how much id achieved in such a short space of time; learning to stand, learning to walk, doing housework, learning to shower, learning to leave my house alone. And many more things. 

This ones about how many people are asking to interview me to promote strokes in young people, on Friday in on bbc Kent promoting young strokes and the affects it can leave you with. On Tuesday I am being interviewed/ being videoed for the radio one website just describing how strokes can leave you and affect your life. Before my stroke none of this would've happened and I'd never of experienced what I have in such a short space of time and also wouldn't of gained this much if I hadn't had my stroke 

Fuck you stroke.

So after being told i'll be stuck in a wheelchair i'm doing alright I guess, I'm able to do hours of chores around the house walking up different flights of stairs, and waking up at 3am (I've lasted without napping once) For me, this is so good.

I've sorted out all the crap I just had piled up in my room, from everyone who sent me cards and stuff in hospital, I read them all today and cried. It's gone so fast and it's weird because it went so slow when I first came home. I still get real;ly tired but that's what happened after a stroke. I remember my OT trying to motivate me to do stuff but I just used to refuse because I was 'too tired' But now I can do it all. So yeah stroke nice try but i'm beating you. I might still need a splint but i'm trying my hardest to just get on with life otherwise i'll just be depressed and boring.

And to those who gave up on me, I don't need you. i'm happier without you. So yeah, good try you're just like my stroke (trying to beat me and make me feel down)

get up and get on with it

I had so many weird looks from my mum this morning because I literally for the first time since January (before my stroke) woke up, had a shower and blow-dryed my hair. Normally i'll ask her because it makes my fatigue so bad and I wouldn't be able to carry out the day.
I literally walked downstairs and got 'oh hey Liz'' and the most shocked face as if to say ''Wow you're back, the old Lizzie's here'' It literally made me so happy.

I also posted a video of my walking (something I tend to do when a stroke anniversary is coming up, so when i'm old and grey or feeling down I can look back and see how far i've come)
I posted it on a group that i'm on, thats full of stroke survivors, all positive feedback, and some of the ''oh I wish  I could walk like that! I walk like a zombie''
Not gonna lie but if you don't put the effort in you wont get a good result, would you? I know it's hard, because my Physio in hospital stopped me walking for 3 months and everyday wether it be 9am, 12am, 10am or something, i'd be forced to do an hours session of 'bed exercises' i'd even sit there and cry to him saying the usual ''when can I walk again?''
'' will I ever be able to walk around town and shop?''
His response would be...
''Well it'll take about a year, but if you don't put any effort in you wont get anywhere, will you?''

Now it's dawned on me, if you don't try you wont get anywhere. You'll be stuck in the same ''I'm a failure pit''.

When I was having my radio interview the other day I realised something that has made everything so clear to me, My ex would be clubbing every weekend surrounded by girls dressed up and probably grinding on him like theres no tomorrow, and working where I worked.  I aimed to be back to that, rather than just being able to walk and 'get to a normal lifestyle'
I literally said:
'' I recovered for someone else, not myself'' And recently i've been recovering for myself not someone who's treating me how I used to be and will never be again.
Then it all made me realise, I literally felt like I'd been hiding it from everyone, But now it's clear, since recovering for myself i'm; happier, achieving more, going out more and doing everything I cried about wanting to do in hospital.

Put the effort in and see what you gain. It might take; years, months and feel like a waste of time but when you look back, you'll see it was all worth it. Be selfish and think of yourself, no one else, you're the only one who can make it happen. Don't waste your time thinking about someone who doesn't give a shit about you.  ( to put it bluntly)

When life flashes before your eyes

Today I had an MRI scan, one of many I've had but this time it was so scary,

The last time I was laying on that bed was when I was physically hoisted onto it by paramedics and the last face id seen was my mum who couldn't look at me because she would just cry, I remember being so confused because all I could remember was 

'Liz wake up!'

'Liz come on you've got uni'

'Sue she's had a stroke'

'Mum I can't move, I can't lift my arm'

'Do I call 999 Liz what do you want me to do?'

'Sue call 999 hurry come on'

'Liz come on open your eyes just look at me'

'Hello is this Elizabeth?' 

'Yeah she's up here she's laying on the stairs'

'Hi Elizabeth can you hear me?'

'Yeah I can but I can't move'

'That's okay my love, you're in safe hands now'

I could just hear my mum and mike having a conversation with the paramedics who tried to carry me downstairs, 

'Yeah she's 20, she was fine yesterday but recently she's had a few sezuires, I just came upstairs and shed just woken up paralysed'

As I was lifted into a bed and transferred into the ambulance to confused to even think and so tired from not sleeping much. 

My mum rushed into the ambulance and sat next to me as I just looked at her terrified and confused.

Today I relived the experiences I had on that day. Not physically but mentally. You can hear the magnets being spun round your head and the frustration of 'when is this going to stop?!' You can't close your eyes because it's a waste of time, you just lay there anxiously thinking about life

But for me I had all the worst memories come back, the memories I thought wouldn't ever come back. I then started crying. 

Luckily for me my scan was clear and only had a tiny scar of where the blood clot was, basically a faded section. 

'How long ago did this happened?' 

'Umm 9 months ago why?' 

'No worries' but of course I'm sitting here panicking thinking it's bad. 

My Thankyou's

This is just a blog post to thank a few (quite alot) of people that have helped me in different ways and supported me through what i'm going through (hope you don't mind your names being written on my blog) you've all helped me with different stuff but you have helped me get through my recovery, if i've forgotten you, i'm sorry it's just hard to name so many people (ha) ;

Rachel Fewins
(for doing my nails when I need them done & reading my blogs)

Elizabeth Holmes
(for our trips out and texting me every day when i need someone to chat too)

Hollie Stafford
( for talking to me when i'm down and supporting me)

Lauren Bradfield
( for visiting me in hospital and staying round when I came out)

Bethany Sinfield
( for being someone to chat too when i'm down & need help)

Angharad Lloyd
( for also being someone to chat too when i'm down)

Laura Willis & Katherine Richardson
( for visiting me in hospital after not seeing you for so long)

Georgina Morris & Lauren Bingham
( for saving me on my 21st when I was so shit-faced and couldn't get home)

Bethany Woodward
( for always writing the nicest & supportive comments on my stuff)

Louise Lee
( for taking me out on day-trips & being someone to chat too & eat cake with)


Kirsten Holmes
( for saying you'll look after me if I return to Fenwicks, although i'm not :( )


Charlotte Windsor
( for taking me out in town in my wheelchair the day I had a sezuire and got dumped, lol)


Amanda Stone
( for bringing me Jaffa cakes while I was in hospital & for my birthday present)

Tracey Scott
( for visiting me and always being so supportive)

Shannon Thompson
( for being so caring towards me and someone to chat too)

Sarah Anderson
(for being so nice and helpful, also giving me links too buy one armed stuff)

Fiona Temple Roche
( For being so caring and always commenting on my posts)


Victoria Williams
( for visiting me in hospital & treating me like a normal person)

Karen Parter
( even though you're my exes mum you sent me the sweetest email when you'd found out & been so sweet since)


Caroline Shrubsall
( for being someone to chat too if I ever need it)


Karin Van Maaren
(for giving me yoga sessions and helping me to stretch my hand out)


Coral Quinney
( for shouting at you know who & being so caring since)

Nadine Lee Cottingham
( for reading my blogs everytime I write one and so sweet &caring)

Laura Sladden
( for also reading my blog posts & being so sweet)

Kirsty Spratt & Blair Heckley & Therapy hair body and nails
( for doing my hair so nice all the time & for my 21st)

Rebecca Frier & Ben Frier and of course Isaac
( for buying me Itunes vouchers in hospital & being so helpful throughout my recovery)


Jo Treharne
( for giving me loads of condoms and being someone to talk too)

Maisy & Alfie Walker
( For being there for me in hospital and so supportive when I see you)


Alex Perkins
( for being so nice when you've commented on my stuff)


Ari Scott
( for being so caring & helpful even though we nearly killed each other in Kavos )


Lara Bulli
( For going to the cinema with me and being so caring)


Bobby Love
( for writing the nicest comment when I fell out with my 'friends')


Heather Mitchell
( for coming into town with me & making me feel happy)


Liam Palmer
( for telling me to never give up Graphic design)


Joanie Scott
( for being so sweet and kind when I write an upset blog post & giving me advice)


Milly Bishop
( For the kindest message you sent me the other week)

Jenni Burt
( For being the nicest auntie & visiting me in hospital)


Kira White
( For being the best cousin & doing my nails)


Kyle White & Annemarie White, Jake & Sam too
( for being the best cousin and coming to see me in hospital)

Billy White
( for letting me sleep in your bed when I came to visit and needed a nap)


Sophie Lauren Harris
( for always reminding me how far i've come and your kind comments)


Lucy Cassingena  & Kurtis Watson
( for treating me normal after I came out of hospital and would be at Luke's)


Georgie Douglas
( For being so sweet when I fell out with my 'friends' & always there if I need a chat)

Imogen Ford
( For sending me the sweetest message when you found out)


Imogen Molloy
( For taking me out to the chocolate cafe & being so sweet)

Jade Marks
( for taking me out & being so kind and caring)

Alex Roe
( for visiting me in hospital & buying me the nicest gift)


Last but not least:
My mum, mike & Dan. for looking after me and making me happy :)

Shannon Lewis
( For visiting me regularly in hospital)



If i've missed you i'm sorry it's hard to remember so many names but thankyou everyone i've mentioned you've helped me so much.

 

''Right everybody clap! Come on''

Something I can't do at the moment but hopefully not forever is this...

Sitting in the pantomime after talking to a man who was talking to my mum and awkwardly asked 'so are you at uni? College? Sixth form?'

'No unfortunately in February Lizzie suffered a stroke so it's all on hold for now...'

All I could do was smile And act as if I didn't want to just cry. 

The panto started and as tradition everyone claps along with the cast

'Come on boys and girls clap!!' 

I sat on the balcony looking around and down just full of a room where everyone was doing something I longed for. Clapping

Yeah not everyone's dream wish but it's something you'd want if you couldn't do it.. 

I just slapped my knee and smiled but inside was crying desperately 

Today something I did which to me was such a big thing was go into town with Dan wearing my splint under tights 

'Baby can you see it? Does it look bad?' 

'No you can't honestly you look gorgeous'

People looked at my leg in shock Infact at the panto a little girl stared at it while I walk out of the lift and she looked terrified I watch people run down flights of stairs and miss it so much. So much that the other day I said to dan 'can you teach me to walk one foot after another downstairs because my leg won't bend fast enough' 

'Babe it'll come in time you'll be fine I'm here' 

Again the awkward smile appeared.. 

I'm terrified of the future but happy to say I am finally spending new year with someone who cares about me and won't get arrested because last year was awful basically a start to the worst year. 

I feel so comfortable next to dan that my arm stayed straight today when I walked and it's never done that. 

''My big sisters learning to walk again''

Someone I don't see much is my sister (half sister) who's 5.

When my dad would visit me in hospital she'd sometimes come with him, holding her little book bag and wearing her blue and white checkered summer dress with a cardigan to keep her warm.

When my dad would come alone he'd always talk about her and my youngest half sister, who's also really ill.

He said that when he went to pick Megan up from school she'd be telling her friends that she was coming to see me in hospital and that I was ''learning to walk again''
When I think of it now it's the cutest thing, but I think mainly because I don't see her much.

It makes me smile to think of her and how hers and my dads face was when I first moved my leg after 3weeks of being stuck in bed. Her little face lit up, she literally gave me the biggest smile and hugged me while I cried.



One of my goals is to make her proud, and to be the big sister that didn't give up.
But only because of her telling all her school friends.

Fatigue

Dealing with fatigue is horrific, you can be extremely hyper or happy for half a day but if you walk the smallest bit or get woken up ridiculously early your brain just shuts down, it's literally like the exhaustion after you've had a night out wearing heels, but I deal with it everyday. When I walk I have to physically think about; how my leg bends, how I move my hip and it gets so much worse when people try and talk to me while I'm walking, you've then got too; try and listen, think of what to say, remind yourself of where you are. If it's really busy in town or where I am, I literally get so frustrated because you then have to think about not bumping into people and how to react if you see someone you know, do I pretend I'm really happy? After my life's been destroyed by a nurses mistake of misjudging all my symptoms, do I pretend I actually know them? I only recognise faces now I genuinely don't remember anyone from before my stroke. So if I give you a confused look, that's why... 

I get so annoyed when I've planned to have a lay in and someone's like 'yeah meet at 9/10' because you'll get the worst of me, not the best and I try so hard to give everyone the best part of me, to give you something to just feel like I haven't wasted your time. If I feel my fatigue getting bad, I put music on, or just sing in my head which to be honest makes it worse, because I get thinking about all the lyrics. So don't moan to me that you're tired, when fatigue is literally impossible to deal with, Infact it's worse than loosing the use of an arm, because it's like your brains walking off to meet a bed but your heads telling you that you need to stay awake to please the person your with. If I'm tired you can tell; my face starts dropping and my arm drops, as if I've just had my stroke also I'll tell you I'm tired. Or I go really quiet and try to stop taking anything in, just because I'll fall into a heap on the floor and happily fall asleep. 

To the lovely nikki fox

Thankyou for seeing me through my recovery and interviewing me for the radio 5live show, aswell as Neil you have seen me progress from the stages of taking my first trip to cafe Nero alone, to walking long distances and coming to London :)

I said I'd dedicate a blog post to you and you deserve it as you're such a strong lady, from learning about your condition to opening up to you about almost everything, you haven't let anything defeat you and to me are an inspiration, you're the funniest, kindest, loveliest, thoughtful and prettiest people I know and you've helped me through the early stages of my recovery, you've always shown interest in my recovery and made me feel so comfortable with how I've been left after my stroke. I'm going to miss our monthly radio interviews but I'm so happy to say I've met you and that you're the sweetest lady ever thankyou nikki 

Being different doesn't make you weird

Okay so I made friends with the cutest old lady today whilst waiting for my appointment, 

A disabled man came and sat next to her, and tried talking to her he was hard to understand and was obviously quite disabled. 

The old lady stood up and moved to sit next to me looking at me and just saying 'don't wanna sit there' I just looked at her and asked 'why' 

Just because you're different doesn't make you any different to anyone else, you can be fat thin 'ugly' and disabled but you're still human, you're still the same as anyone else and still have feelings. I literally got so frustrated and felt like crying, the mans carer came out and simply said 'thanks for moving its so kind of you' obviously sarcastic. 

This poor guy was sitting there and asked his carer if he had done something wrong. Just imagine how that must feel, I honestly had no respect for this lady after she moved to the point where I ignored her after she tried to talk to me again.. 

Think before you do something especially if you're doing it to someone who might need that extra bit of help. 

Everyday

I find it so frustrating to get dressed, to the stage where I just wanna leave the house naked and get more stares than I already get, put one hand behind your back and try; tying a shoe lace, putting a bra on, wiring your leg up to a little box just so you can walk, putting a leg brace on so your ankle lifts up when you walk, doing your makeup, straightening your hair, putting a coat on. The list goes on.. 

 Could you put up with it? 

It's so sad that yesterday I actually got excited to be able to wear skirts again because the FES machine isn't bulky like my splint so I can hide it easier, I don't have the struggle of using my mouth the unstick the Velcro that's on my brace, when I say brace I mean splint (something they give stroke patients to improve drop foot)

So much more hassle than it's worth, I literally have to lay out the clothes I'm gonna wear for the next day, just so I can plan if my 'walking device will be easy to put on. Sad, yeah I know but that's life now I guess.. 

No more opening my cupboard and smiling endlessly just think 'oo I'll wear my skinny jeans and this top' not thinking about how it'll look, how many people will stare, does it look stupid? 

Is it worth it? 

Do I look like the rest of the girls walking around nower days? 

I just tell myself it's better to be different, better to not follow the crowd, better to be an individual. But then I take a look at myself an instantly think 'right now I'd rather be like the rest of them' able to sip a drink without checking  my mouth to see if I've dribbled on my left side, (rare nower days), not standing in a mirror and checking my figure from all angles to see if my splint looks stupid, not smiling at myself in the mirror to see if my droop is still visible, not hiding my hand under my coat because people stare at me like I'm a freak. 

I guess I am to the people walking around taking life for granted, thinking life's based on what they wear, how they look, what designer clothes to buy next, how skinny they look in their outfits, what heels to buy for their next night out. 

So yeah that's my day.. Most days, not as easy as it once was, it never will be again,it'll never be easy to get dressed standing up or like the rest of you, I'm so jealous I miss jumping in the air grabbing my tights both sides so there pulled up enough, I miss the days where I wasn't exhausted after putting clothes on. I miss the days where wearing a skirt with tights was just the norm and I wouldn't get over excited about it. (Yep I'm well sad).