My first trip..

Today I had my first uni trip with my new brain and everything..

I woke up early so anxious about how I'd cope; walking around London, a museum and getting home..

'Ouch! Please slow down, I'm so tired'

I mumbled to my teachers..

My splint rubbing my arm sticking out and my shoes turning in at each side. 

I wore an arm splint just so people will realise I have something wrong with my arm..

'I'm just going to the toilet..'

I wobbled down the train as it moved, gripping as tight as I possibly could, digging my nails into the train handles, feeling the blue yellow and black padded striped cushions drift past my fingers.

'Oh shit, sorry!'

The train edged to the left leaving me balancing on a leg that's weak and having no arm to grip on to the chair, 

I managed to fall into a guy in my class, 'i'm really sorry I'm really uneasy on transport and my feet'

I then carried on to use the loo, gripping the hand rail used for support for wheelchair users or elderly people or me..

I finally reached the chair, struggling to grip seats on the way back. 

Waterloo east..

Walking to the imperial war museum, through the hustle and bustle of London streets, crossing busy road and turning sharp corners we reached our destination 

'I'm just going to sit down, I'm sorry I'm so tired'

We walked around the First World War and Second World War exhibitions, 

The Second World War made me cry, I honestly think it was about the fact I had to sit down 10 times during the walk through, as well as watching videos and viewing pictures of the suffering.

As I reached the end I finally ate, my blood sugar so low that little white dots were taking over my eyes, my hand shaking like a nervous person, my leg clonus going insane making my whole body wobble.

'I'm sorry, I get like this when I need sugar'

I ate feeling fine I carried on.. 

One step at a time;

Holding the right hand side rail I stepped down 4 flights of stairs to the bottom floor..

People rushing past me and nudging my shoulder..

I got to exhaustion and needed to get home. 

Walking as fast as I could to the train, missing it by a minute. 

My head spinning and my sugar getting low, everyone's silhouettes spinning around in my view, my eyes throbbing and my hand itchy from my splint rubbing ..

Then changing platforms, 

'Excuse me please could I sit down'

'Urgh okay!' The fat old lady grumbled under her breath

'Thank you so much'

As she walked away analysing why I needed a seat so bad, making me feel guilty.. 

I could Hear my nans voice in my head saying 'Liz you shouldn't feel guilty you need to sit down'

As I sat watching everyone take their journey home from a long day at work, I overheard a mans music 

'Bitter sweet symphony' you know the song with the strings playing.. 

That made me smile. 

The whole day spent realising just how much my stroke has affected me; mentally and physically.. 

In my head knowing that everyone will be saying 

'But Liz, you did it..' 

Excited to reach Canterbury west and just grab Liam or my mum, to lay my head on my pillow to sleep..

Then for tomorrow to start and for more realisations of just how much my stroke has damaged me. 

 

Turning disabled

Life changes more than you can imagine when you become disabled and left with a disability.

'Do you need any help?'

'Did you need a hand?'

( yes clearly but leave me alone..)

'I need to learn, I'm fine!. I've done it before I can do it again, I'll just become better at it'

'Liz accept the help of its offered to you' 

I went to sleep capable of everything; walking as fast as I could till I finally ran, lifting boxes and carrying bags switching from hand to hand, only wobbling if I'm drunk, smiling and eating without wiping my chin..

Then woke up; unable to move, no use of anything I could use or do before, sitting in a chair being pushed around the destination usually being where the person wheeling me wanted to go, then transferring to a stick that made me look weird, creating a ball of anxiety in my lost brain, struggling to complete simple tasks; cooking, carrying food around, getting in and out of a bath or shower. And so on.. 

I lost and still haven't got the use of my arm or hand. 

'So do they say it'll come back?'

(Who's they?!)

'So do you get any physio, that might help?'

( nope unless you fancy being my physio?)

'So what can you do with it?'

('IT?!' it's actually still an arm attached to my body just refusing to attach to my brain) 

Some people assume you're unable to do anything when you're disabled, regardless of if they've seen you do it before.. 

They take over tasks that they see you trying to complete; reaching for a cup, putting on your coat, putting their hand out when you walk upstairs and so on... 

'I think if you did this it might help it come back, you're young, you've got a higher chance..'

( are you assuming that I don't hear that all the time? Are you telling me once again how to live my life?) 

Is it because I'm disabled?...

You assume people in wheelchairs are incapable of standing up or walking a few steps.. 

I'm not in a wheelchair but the stares I got when I was were ridiculous, people associate wheelchairs with people who are incapable of being able to do anything, why?

People stare at my arm everyday, people watch my lips move to see the droop, people stare at the outline of my splint on my leg wondering what it is, people look at the other side of my body and wonder 'why is that side normal?'

'What is normal?.. 

Normal no longer exists when you're living with a disability, unless you start believing in yourself and complete tasks you once did before.. 

Some people are born disabled and some people may break a bone becoming disabled for a few months.. 

But when you're left with the unknowing and people assuming they know how your recovery will end up, it's different.. 

Days go by, i'm definitely flying high..

I'm never going to reach a whole goal to 100% recovery, no one ever does.. You remain weaker than before, struggling with an acute brain injury, living life's given challenges still telling people you're 'fine' and not 'too tired' continuing to prove to people who've stuck by you and believe in you that you can do things you did before. 

You get better happier and somewhat stronger in your weaker body.. 

You gain memories in a new pathway your brains created. Whether you like it or not, it'll be you; your personality, motivation, initiative, life and it's all been created by you. 

Even when you're doubting yourself you've created this brain so stand by something you once lost.

You stop using things you were so dependant on before; outside and in the house; shower stalls, hand rails and so on.. Things that you would assume only older people would need or use.

Because I guess you thought this is something that only happens to older people.. 

Didn't you? 

You start to walk more, regardless of how your leg; works, bends, straightens and touches the floor 'normal' enough for others to compliment something you worked so hard to do. 

Is it normal enough for you? 

Are you proud? 

You don't show the; depression, anxiety, stress or struggles because it makes you look as weak as you feel.. Inside and out. 

You stand as strong and straight as you can, in a body and life that once tried to give up on you.

Now you're flying higher than you ever thought you'd be. 

My stroke of luck and positivity

You may loose all confidence, independence, strength, memory, limbs, determination, motivation and so on..

You may at first feel like it's the end of your whole world

You loose friends whom you though would stick by you no matter what

You may get sick of the 10+ tablets at numerous at parts of the day,

The hospital appointments that clash with your personal life

The struggle with giving up things you used to love doing

All because of what happened

Your life can change in a split second...

Mine made me reevaluate my whole life; choices, decisions, attitude and weaknesses.

I've been given amazing opportunities since,
Local public speeches
Meeting and greeting othe survivors
Sharing my story in the media
Exploring different options to take in your life
Having the chance to re-live my life.

I love it, I used to sit in my front room moaning grumpy and putting myself down.
Then I got up and realised I didn't want to live this kind of life forever, I wasn't going to let my stroke defeat me. Make me weaker or ruin my chance to succeed and stand out.


Never give up.
Never give in
Believe in yourself
Things get better when you start believing in yourself.

So thank you stroke.

It's a brain injury, I'm not fine.

I get tired I get confused I loose motivation or determination to complete tasks or do something I might be asked to do..
I live in a distant world to any other person who's living without a brain injury,

I tell you 'I'm fine' when you ask how I'm 'doing'..
I'm doing nothing accept living a distant life hoping the many dead brain cells in my brain will magically reconnect.. (Recovering)
'I'm not okay..
Only a few people understand this as I've only opened up to some people about my 'I'm fine thank you' response..

I'm hurting, grieving, in pain, I'm confused, I'm suffering with one of the hardest illnesses..
A brain that doesn't work, giving me weird responses to questions
'Do they speak amsterdamish in Amsterdam?!'
 You laugh, you look at me with an odd expression and I can't understand why, I don't know what emotion I'm receiving from you..

I don't trust people
I trust a fair few, mainly family but not random or strangers.. I guess not many people do,
I have to leave my house hoping that whoever is walking or driving near me would help me if something happened, I analyse people as I walk if their in front of me because I wonder if they would understand my distress of waking up from a seizure..


I forget
I have memory loss, I forget what I've been asked to do, times of people to meet, dates of events, how to cook..
It's improved but plays tricks on my brain sometimes..
Making me feel like I've resorted back to day one when I couldn't tell the time.

I walk with support
My brain may of bought part of my leg back, my splint holds my ankle up to make my 'gateway' like everyone else's.. I get so happy when you tell me I'm walking better or faster.
Because I'm stuck with this walking pattern for life..

I'm emotional,
I cry over the smallest things, I'm like a two year old, responding to the simplest things with tears..

I can't focus on more than one thing
My brain gets tired, I need rest and sometimes help with stuff.

This is my brain, like a constant daydream
Waiting to be over and let me return back to a life of understanding and confidence to complete every goal, task or test people set me.

I'm not failing I'm becoming stronger
My life is like a rollercoaster on the way up, never stopping or going backwards.

It's been a while..

Firstly sorry to all those who actually read my blog posts i've been quite busy recently;
you know 'trying to be like everyone else'

I wrote my first essay on an artist whom i've always loved;
Tracey Emin - very disturbed artist but I find her work so interesting.

After handing it into my mentor; (the lady who reviews my work, notes, essay's and checks i'm getting enough help).

She read through my version,
I asked mum to read it as well and obviously as any mum would she made notes..
I decided to hand in the copy i'd edited and written as i'd much rather love to see what I might receive ( grade wise).

''Elizabeth that's amazing! you'd receive an A if you changed; this this this and this..i'm going to give it to a tutor to review it and grade it too, i'd be very shocked if they didn't give you an A''

''Oh my god, i've never received an A''

I have weekly counselling at uni,
She's in the 'assessment period';
checking, my history what I need help with and my emotions.

I cried last time as she asked about my parents splitting up, I never really realised exactly how that affected my school life and how emotionally unstable it still makes me, 12 years on.. (I think)

She asked me about past 'relationships' and current ones..
I spoke about how I've had a few boyfriends whom were abusive, controlling and took advantage of how vulnerable I am after my stroke, making me write blogs to 'big them up' Which I now regret.
They still show my progress, but I can reassure you that I wasn't happy.


She asked me to explain everything about my stroke..
I cried as I felt a bit light headed and it made me anxious
''Elizabeth do you still find your stroke hard to overcome''
.. '' I'm sorry please can we just not talk about it, It makes me feel so uncomfortable''

I then spoke about my mum having cancer and how that affected me, I cried about that as it feels like a lifetime ago but I know it still affects my mum everyday.


The other day I collapsed in town, whilst christmas shopping, although it wasn't a seizure which I was happy about, I'd only fainted..

i'm 5 months seizure free!!
(fingers crossed)

Although i've been getting severe headaches recently, which I think are caused by too much pressure in my brain ( signs of my intracranial hypertension coming back).
Which scares me..

Today i'm waiting for my technical support people to install all the software to help me; type on my macbook, write essay's and so on..
To be honest the guy just told me to ''take advantage of what we offer you as you have a budget which we pay for..''
So I have, a dictaphone, you know that thing that records everything... not video wise, only voice for lectures.

Some of the software I know I won't need..


I recently visited Amsterdam;
intact that was last weekend.
me Liam, my mum and stepdad went..
Yes I tried 'Weed' and hash cake, I mean you kind of need to experience everything..

and it apparently helps with epilepsy..

that's my excuse.

I walked so much everyday.


i walked about 2 miles everyday now, and no it's not just shopping.
I'm aiming to loose weight as everyone knows, once you get into a relationship you eat to the point of  putting on weight, then moan about it even though you enjoyed the food..

Also;
I don't use my shower stall anymore!
I stand up and wash..
I do have to use the hand rail to get in though, because it's slippery..

I still wear my AFO ( leg splint) but, I walk faster apparently..

So my recovery is still continuing,
I can't use my arm or hand still, I tried to receive physiotherapy but they told me ''i'm too far on in my recovery for them to help''

So they can piss off..


''over and out'' as people say..

Speech & language therapy

My speech tone changed on the 10th of February thats it, 

I mix up words and struggle to say scentences.. 

"Wait does that make sense?"

Normally it does but I cant exactly stand up in a uni crit and ask that..

'Right elizabeth what is it you want to learn and gain from speech therapy?!'

*blank..*

Do I tell them that mum actually wants me to do this and im genuinely really unsure of how to answer this question because "I dont know if my answer makes sense"..

*sits up straight and looks confident*

"Personally I find emotions hard to process, I can't actually recognise when; someones joking, being sarcastic, angry, trying to help, complimenting me and so on.. 

Usual daily tasks what I could before 

I mean I laugh more than I should if someone tells a joke and everyone else starts laughing, just to fit in.. 

And we all know I probably look really odd, most of the day I don't actually understand the joke, when im alone with the person whos told me I turn and say "what did that mean?! Was I meant to laugh?" 

Lifes a blur, is that normal?! I also want to gain more confidence when talking to people, its stopped me making friends at uni because I really cannot be bothered to get odd looks and explain everything..

"Okay, we can help you"

"Lets start with some tests"..

I resulted back to feeling how I did in hospital; learning, developing, struggling, upset, sitting multiple exams..

"Okay, lets start!"

"Wait, was that rude?!"

*lizzie shut up*

We sat in a really pale boring looking dull room surrounded by clocks and computers..

I was facing two ladies who pulled out books that you'd show your toddler when teaching them how to speak.

*oh for christ sake, im now a child*

"Okay, can you tell me as many words/things you can think of that begin with the letter T"

*bloody hell..*

So I did...

"That was great!"

*I hope so because it wasn't exactly something I struggle with..*

"Okay now we need you to do some sums involving numbers.."

*lizzie why did you bunk maths all the time?!*

I looked at this long list of sums; times tables, adding up, subtracting and division..

I think...

I tried my best leaving my working out on the bottom on the page, thinking I looked really cool and intelligent.. 

"There you go! Done.."

*lizzie get rid of the smile they can tell its really fake..*

I did many more;

Telling them what pictures they showed me were; animals, clothing, numbers, symbols and so on..

"So what we can tell is that the right side of your brain is still very damaged, but we can help"

*oh bloody hell! Tell me something I don't know!*

Another phase of my recovery started..

I moaned to my mum about how 

"Im sick of recovery!"

"I fucking hate it!!" ...

*mum looks blank knowing she has to be honest*

"Liz, its something you have to do, you're getting better.. Youve had a huge brain injury"

"Lizzie you cant do that anymore"

You sit there and you watch them walk out for lunch after a lecture planning where to go for lunch, planning where to sit and what to eat.. 

Creating new groups and talking about going to drink at the bar..

"Liz stop, you cant do that anymore, you'll get to tired to come back to uni"

The smile from sitting through a three hour lecture  disappears..

And the memory returns of how unaware you thought you'd become of your disability..

Truth is, it will never go..

I will never wake up and be back to how I once was..

I might gain more strength and independence but ill never go back to how I once was..

You walk through the doors in the lecture theatre following the other students running down the stairs swiftly dodging tables to get a seat..

I hobble and watch their movements 

"Come on lizzie, learn how to do that.."

I trip and cant grab on.

"Are you okay? Do you need help?"

"No I'm fine, I need to learn.."

Thats my recovery..

Learning every single stage of life again, as if my whole brain shut down, 

"Stop fucking treating me like a 12 year old! Im 22!!"

(" liz you've had a brain injury you probably are mentally 12") my brain reminds me..

You walk to uni behind people also going in.. 

They cross the road before the green man, they run and reach the other side..

I stop, I look I get drivers stare at me confused probably wondering "why hasn't she fucking gone!"

I then walk across, slowly.. At my own pace, trying not to trip and focusing on how to look like the rest of you; can they see my splint?! 

Do they know I'm disabled?!

Who knows.. 

But you have to trust them just incase; you trip fall or have a seizure 

Because you have no choice 

Mum isn't close.. Physios aren't with you teaching you,

Doctors aren't behind ready to help.

These strangers are..

Faces I've never seen and probably never will again, but try so hard to be like..

You sit in lectures, people get out their MacBooks.. 

"Liz you cant carry yours to uni, its to heavy.. You can barely manage a notebook"

*sigh*

Its recovery, it takes a while..

 In Fact a lifetime, it drains your energy, makes you find trust in those you've never met, even before you've left the door, it makes you gain confidence but somehow swallow your emotions and capabilities of life whole, it creates an image of normality in your head, that part of doesn't actually work, it scares you and makes you depressed..

But yeah that's recovery and its here for life..

It may of gotten better and easier to deal with 

But when its hidden and confuses not only yourself but others you cant help but feel down, no matter what you're achieving..

My hidden illness and living with it

Brain injury is one of the biggest worst hardest and most challenging illnesses I can think of.

From day one of my stroke I never realised the impact a brain injury would actually have on my life, 

I never even knew that a stroke involved the brain.

Why call the ambulance mum? Hospitals can't cure paralysis..

You don't realise until you have a face to face conversation and you start panicking with what to say how to say it and if what you're saying actually makes sense..

You don't realise until you get told to do something and you forget,

'Liz remember your tablets' 

Most important thing to remember and sometimes I still forget 

You find everyday hard, 

Fatigue is the worst part, 

I need at least 8/9 hours sleep a day or night,

Obviously my epilepsy is triggered by not enough sleep.

My brains still damaged but is recovering..

It's mad to even think that there's random cells in my brain that aren't connected,

What are they doing? Floating in my skull?

It genuinely makes me feel uneasy.

'So how do you walk on your leg if it's numb, what does it feel like?'

It's odd..

It's like waking up with a numb arm and not being able to process using it, I do it because I know that i need to walk to get on with my life.

I can't feel it hit or step on the ground, I can't feel it bend or when I lift it.

Walking upstairs scares me, when I see the first few steps I think 

'Shit, what if my knee just gives up and goes weak?'

 

My leg does this thing that I joke about when it happens;

It shakes so much that when I stand there it's making my whole body shake.

That's my brain doing that

My brain can't process busy situations, walking through town scares me but once again I want to go shopping..

I panic when I walk into a club, seeing everyone imagining what they're thinking, they don't know I have a brain injury..

They don't understand that I'm always living in a blur.

Everything's a blur,

I only recognise faces not people, if you've upset me before then I'll remember you.

If I love you I remember you..

But I can't put names to faces in my head..I

"Oh you know so and so did this"

Oh haha, yeah.. Wait who?!?!

My hidden illness involves mental health, 

Anxiety, depression, fear, self harming (sometimes).

My self harming happens only to my left side.

"Liz talk me through why you do it so I can understand"

"I miss the feeling of my arm and leg, for a split second I can feel it again.. And it feels okay"

My neuropsychologist looks blank.. 

I'm not surprised, she doesn't and can't realise how it feels..

My hidden illness creates my personality

I know I'll live with it for the rest of my life, regardless of what I do.

I get moments where even if people speak to me I'll assume everyone hates me.

"I know you don't like me, but why?"

"I do like you.."

In my head thinking;

They find me hard to read, how do I fully explain the extent of my brain injury it might scare them away..

I find opinions really hard to accept;

"If I were you I'd change this part of your work to make it a higher grade"

"Oh is it bad then?"

I'll walk away feeling like I've failed.

"Liz you're not fat you're just a bit bigger than you were"

'Oh so you think I'm fucking fat then?!'

Something I hate telling people but it's my blog so I kind of need to share it,

When I was younger with my kidney illness I gain loads of weight and then the steroids make me even larger.

I have stretch marks all over from weight I've lost then gained.

and I still have scars from self harming.

My life's a mixture of random emotions and tests of how to cope.

Paranoia being the worst part.

So don't assume I'm being blank with you, I'm dealing with a major brain injury and a lot of illnesses I can't cure.

'I'm really impressed, are you proud?'

Oh errr yeah I suppose I am,

I smiled with the throat clench feeling of nearly crying ( happy tears)

Uni is like a new test and goal everyday.. 

Not like the old ones from physio or ot or my neuropsychologist..

I have to get up extra early, get ready, get my stuff together and walk to uni, 

The walk takes 20 minutes, I quite enjoy it..

I get to listen to music and hold my head high as I walk through the uni sign..

I have a mentor called gaby,

She's quite old but so lovely..

'I'll meet you once a week everything we talk about is confidential unless I feel concerned about your mental health'

'Okay.. I have had a history of self harming diagnosed by my doctor but I'm really happy now and that was months ago'

She told me she views everything in a positive way..

'If it's raining I always think of a positive, at least I don't need to water my garden!'

She smiles a lot too...

I like her and having someone to show my work to and receive information and useful comments is really helping.

I write every note down from all my lectures which are two hours long, I have ocd with uni stuff;

Pink folders, sectioned folders for designated sections, different coloured pens and a diary..

I love it, the ocd of trying to fill up empty days has gone, now I'm busy everyday.

My learning support assistant is so lovely, she checks if I need any help all the time.

My class 'mates' are so kind and everyone's so different, not trying to be the version of 'normal' I spent so long trying to recovery to be as I aspired to it.

My recovery is on a new level;

Building my future and starting to look ahead.

I have so much support from friends family and my boyfriend.

A lot of you knew the situation I was in last year and how abusive it was I definitely wouldn't of been allowed to do what I am now.

When I'm writing my briefs down I always weirdly write; 

'Task goal and aim'

This is because the first part of my recovery everything needed to be a task and aim to be a goal.

This time it's an exam I'm setting for myself, no one watching over me forcing me to 'recover more'

I'm just like the rest of you..

I fit in

Ive made friends and hopefully these ones stay around..

They all know about the stroke, and they all accept it.

I'm confident

More independent 

Happier

Busy and enjoying being just how people wanted me to be..

Normal.

This version of normal that people moan about;

Getting up early, working, learning, walking, being tired...

I know that this time it'll be much more interesting because of how I am.

'Normal' 

'So what have you been doing for the past year and why have you chosen this course and what's your name'

I thought about it after the first few people nervously spoke aloud..

Turned to my learning support lady, who is the best person I've met.. And I thought I'd hate them

Who wants someone following you around?..

'Do you think I should say this, I mean does it sound okay or normal??'

' my names Elizabeth ashmore, I was half way through year 1 till I suffered a major stroke and was determined to finish my course'

' yeah that's fine!'

So as my turn came up I said it...

The guy next to me stopped me after and looked at me, 

'I thought I recognised you! You were in the newspaper weren't you!'

'Oh god, yes I was'...

I walk to uni feeling confident, I even got barged into the other day 

'Sorry!!'

'Oh no it was my fault I'm sorry!'

I smiled and felt so happy..

They kind of understand or are at least accepting me for who I am.

My class is huge, full of a higher majority or guys but girls are slowly showing up..

One girl has bright blue hair, the rest have tattoos..

My tutor is so supportive,

He's sat with me after every day and answered my questions..

'Sorry Hugh I'm probably really annoying haha'

'Oh don't be silly! We all know you'll need help!'

I love just getting up knowing I'm going to be busy with something other than looking at the same four walls,

You always get nervous before you start and you overthink..

As I did and you might of read in the last blog post,

'Mum I don't think I'm ready'

But I am..

There's so much support its unreal, my lsa even gets the lift with me..

We did a group project and I took over my group..

'What are you most worried about uni (your concerns )'

'My group has said'...

' learning English as some are international students..

'Now what are you excited for..'

' a guy in my group kept saying 'fuck yeah' after every idea he came up with and as I like winding people up I kept saying it after every quote I thought of..

He laughed 'you're funny I like you!'

'So what did your group think of..'

' well my group weirdly said we're excited for idealistic arguements!' I stopped and the tutor looked confused..

(Should I say what I'm really thinking or will I get in trouble)..

'You know when you come up with a shit idea and someone else disagrees with you and you debate in the group'

Everyone laughed with me instead of at me.

We enroll on Friday and get our summer project grade today, I'm so nervous that I couldn't sleep..

I'll receive my timetable soon for the next term.

And for the first time I'm excited, even more so than when I took my first steps..

You appreciate something a lot more when you get a second chance and start..

Even if you don't experience loosing the ability of doing something, make the most of it even if the weird version of 'normal' you've created is boring, tiring, hardwork.

You never know it could be taken away at any point.

Wake up

Get ready

Work hard..

Dear fatigue..

For those who don't know what 'fatigue is' it's nothing to do with being fat.. It's a side affect or illness you can suffer from making you extremely tired, even if you've slept for 8 hours.

Dear fatigue;

I've started uni now, I'm doing so well.. Because you haven't ruined it, yet.

I know you're not used to doing anything accept eating and watching TV..

But this part of my recovery is the most important, that brain that you sometimes disturb is going to; learn, be confident, be independent, communicate and so on..

I guess you'll find out anyway.

Uni makes me sleep more, I crave my bed and I haven't done that since I'd work and go to uni before the stroke..

You're like a strange annoying person who you try to avoid but they come back.

You used to be so bad..

I thought you'd destroy my life because I couldn't stop sleeping.

I know you and my brain are working so hard to let me create my future or at least work at it..

So don't let me down.

Please?

My inspiration, thankyou cancer

Something i dont really talk about as it still makes me upset but still proud. And i know upsets my mum more than anything 

Is my mum and her battle with cancer, 

You hear so many stories of how it can hit you and you suffer but you never ever think itll hit a loved one. You never realise the struggles and upset it brings to everyone 

Three years ago my inspiration was suffering with one of the main killing illnesses in the world. Cancer 'the c word' 

She doesnt thank it because of the damage its left her body with, i do. 

Thankyou mum and cancer for creating the most inspiring woman i know, 

Watching her smile through all the shittest times of you ruining her life and watching her pull through everytime, watching her get up and go when she was weak and hurt. Full of pain and wanted to give in. 

Thankyou for making me watch someone pull through struggle get up and go fight and still recover by determination and motivation.. 

You have made me want to carry on and show my mum how much of an inspiration she was too me, thankyou mum & strangely thankyou cancer 

❤️

Dear damaged brain..

To the most damaged brain I've come across out of people I know;

I know you can't hear me or understand much of what I do..

I mean you might hear the voices not my head talking to you, is that a normal thing?

I know you can't give me access to all my body limbs 

But you've tried, you've tried to reconnect as much as you can, I think..

You've reconnected a lot more than I thought you would,

Not going to lie, but I thought you'd fail after waking up from my accident

(And I hope the voice in my head made that sound loud and clear, perhaps you could try harder to bring me back to normality)

I know you've been through a lot, I do understand you must be so confused.

In fact I suppose your confusion is exactly how you create my confusion for the world to see.

But they can't see it, they can't see any of your bruised and disconnected cells, damaged and cut off by a bit of blood.

It's quite funny to think that something that is covering your whole body can curl into a ball and lodge it's way to ruin something so important, something that everyone has, sometimes people faint over the sight of blood. And how fast it pours out, I get excited.. 

No more blood clots brain!!

You won't be bruised again,

I know you've sat through; the scans, appointments, emotional moments and the grief that the blood clot caused.

But thank you for putting up with it.

The scans that surround you with metal plates and try really hard to show doctors what you've decided will reconnect.

I know you've dealt with loosing all your old memories I stored into you from birth; upset ones, happy ones, strange ones, funny ones and  many more, but I've forgotten those maybe you've lost them.

You're going to make new memories now. 

The memories you've manage to regain might not of been my best ones but are quite nice to think about.

Even if you do try to make me remember how I used to be, you bastard.

So thank you and prepare for new memories, don't let go of these ones please..

I know you've dealt with loosing two limbs at the same time, and a weak face.

You've given me the greatest gift, being able to walk, you've created the best day of my life and right hand down, it's still making me smile remembering the day I took my first steps.

You've probably lost all motivation and determination to bring back my arm and hand, you know people are still cheering for you to just push those little cells that connect the arm limb, they still believe you'll live again, but I don't.

Maybe that's why you haven't chosen to give it back? Are you angry with me? Are you disappointed in me? 

I am. But I can still eat food so I'm kinda happy.

I know you find everyday tough and you can't escape to just get out of my body, unfortunately you're stuck with me for as long as you may live, or choose for me to live.

I do let you wander off sometimes when i dream, when I daydream into space. That's when we can both escape this strange and damaged  life, this fucked up world where were all trying to be normal.

We both get a time to reflect and be happy (kind of) maybe we don't always show our smiles, maybe we don't show our happiness or how we love how far we've come in a year.

But we've travelled this journey together..

And we will forever..

You find some thing's really hard, I get that, everyone does ( normal people I mean)..

You do ache and get tired but most normal people do. ( normal people again) *lol*

But what I can thank you for is;

Bringing me the ability to create a stronger Lizzie

Bringing back a more confident Lizzie

Bringing back a happier Lizzie, sometimes anxiety free ( we can work on that though, can we try to?)

Beating a serious accident and proving that I can carry on..

You're letting me return to doing things I did before,

Maybe when the electrons in my brain play up and make you out of control, leaving me to have a seizure and probably scare people, when you shut down for a few minutes? 

I've no idea, because we both get another chance to be out of control of thinking. 

We both get upset but we push through

Because dear brain,

We can and will push through together, sometimes with help, but I know we can carry on this journey and succeed.

So thank you 

 

I'm fucking terrified.

It's been my main goal to return to uni and I make out that I'm excited, I am but

It scares me,

I've had disability meetings about;

What help I'll need

How they can support me

What I'll need to re-do and when to start the work

What if on the first day I walk through the doors and cry? 

I look around the class I'll be with for three years and hate them all?

I don't make friends because I'm disabled?

People laugh at me?

I can't walk in thinking in the best because I've completed some of first year already, I'll have some random sitting with me every fucking day.

Checking MY work

Walking round carrying my stuff..

Sounds really good to some people but thinking of getting even more stares makes me want to cry.

I can't even imagine if I have to stand up and talk in front of everyone..

What if my speech goes funny? What if I have a seizure?

Can I trust the random class of people to help me and to understand what's happening?

I'll miss just walking into class and sitting down like everyone else.

'Liz you'll adjust to it it'll get better'

What if it doesn't 

What if I fail..

£9,000 wasted.

People might read this and assume I'm not ready or it's too soon.

I'm not going to say you're wrong, it might be..

I just want and wanted to prove it can and will do whatever it takes to get my life back.

Support me don't judge me.

What it's like to have a major stroke inside and out

This is a blog post to explain everything.

if I could explain it in two words it would be

Fucking shit.

No one prepares you for the coming home struggles;

 the adaptations

loosing all your friends

 depression

 confusion

 patronising comments and conversations

 lectures on how to do things

 hugs of sympathy

 crying randomers

old people making friends with you

people comparing your stroke to a family members thinking it will help.

People laughing staring and pointing

Loosing a body part

Physios and ot's in hospital prepare you for nothing helpful.

You leave hospital thinking it's going to be so much fun not working or being stressed.

You then reach your 'goal', home.

You cry and can't adjust to being where you thought would be amazing..

Then you start recovery. No recovering unless you get help.

They don't tell you that everything will be hard, 

Slipping in the shower

Not being able to get into a bath

Being to tired to function

Tripping over stupid things

Oh and then you see your best mates for the first time out of hospital,

Don't expect sympathy, everyone assumes you're back to normal.

They get confused..

You get hurt 

They leave..

Then you're left with fuck all.

Wondering why they'd gone.

Oh then there's the crying before you step out your front door, when you can walk and you're allowed.

You cry scream and wish you could walk like everyone else

Everyday

Every night 

Every minute hour and second you wonder

'Why me?!'

'What did I do?!'

'Can I just end it all now?!'

Then you get the rude comments.

'You know you'd be  liked if the stroke wasn't your life'

Fuck off. 

It's with me forever and it's hard.

Then there's the medication;

13 tablets a day

 4 blood tests a month

 6 doctors appointments a month

 28 days of headaches and upset.

I've never really told anyone all of this because I thought you'd all realise but then I remembered it's not happened to you.

My family know because they watched me go through it.

Don't read this and email me saying that I should speak to someone, because it's happened and it's rude.

I don't need to think anymore

i used to have to think about everything I was doing; walking and the technique of bending and straightening my leg so that I looked like everyone else..
I used to have to think about how people were talking to or at me.. Taking in their emotions and struggling to understand how to reply.
I used to think about what I'd done a day before or how to respond to people when they say 'hi you okay?!' Now I just respond and talk..

My brains still recovering and I have to think sometimes of strategies of doing stuff..
We went on a boat tour last week and before we'd left the house I'd started to plan how I was going to get in and out of the boat throughout the boat tour I was thinking of how to get off the boat safely..
I managed it but I have simple things to take into account that I don't want to fail when trying to do it..
Even crossing a road incase I don't get across fast enough.

I write my blogs now without thinking into depth of words and language to use that explain how I feel..
I write more fluent from what is coming from my heart and head.

It's taken a while and I'll still be thinking for the rest of my life but it's improving slowly as time goes on...

My hidden disability

Despite the fact my arm doesn't work and I walk slower doesn't show my true disability..

I'm classed as disabled for the top reasons..

But what they don't take into account is;
How I forget everything
How I struggle to process any emotions
How I misinterpret the way people treat or talk to me
How I struggle to multi task, making life harder to get things done quicker
How I struggle with mild anxiety and depression,.
I mean everyone gets "down days" yeah we get and understand you feel "upset" why? Because you've got no money?..
Mines different, mine can cause me to physically try to kill myself, feeling like I've not achieved anything at all.
Feeling like I'm useless in the world
Feeling asif I get judged and laughed at.
The thoughts do go away but at the point of the thoughts being there, it's like nothing can stop you feeling better,
The fact that I can't smile everyday, not because I'm unhappy but because I struggle with many things..


Behind closed doors;
I still sit on a stool in the shower
I still can't cut food up or make meals for myself if it means I stand for long periods of time





Flashing lights and long nights;
I go clubbing, seems like I have an amazing time, everyone's nights out seem so good..
Photos, alcohol, friends, music and dressing up to look good..

As I walk into a pub or club I have to physically process everything that I'll be feeling while I'm in there, people you're with plan the night, everywhere you're going to go. I have to research the clubs;
Are there stairs?...
"I mean what if the toilets are upstairs?"
Are there loads of strobe lights?
Are there seats in the club?...
" I can't stand for too long so I'll need to sit down."
What time does it open and close?...
"Will my friends want to stay all night?!"
Are there security and bouncers?..
"If I collapse would they know what to do?"
I Research on if anyone's been spiked or hurt near the club..
What I've leave the bar and someone follows me aiming to spike me, because I look vulnerable and confused?..
"She looks up for it"

I keep dancing on my own.

All thoughts that I didn't have before my stroke, not because of knowing the clubs but because now I'm different I need to look after myself.
I know what you're thinking.. "Well clubbing and drinking isn't exactly looking after yourself"

I look up the clubs photos to see if the club gets busy, wondering if I'll get pushed and shoved.

When in the club it's fine,
I mean everyone gets worked up. Don't they? Is that normal?..

You wait at the bar after strutting in trying to act like your mates, holding your head as high as you can.. Pretending you're not smiling at people checking you out.
"Can they see my splint?!"
"Can they see my arm?"


You get your drink and edge and push your way out the ques of people waiting to drink and binge on alcohol, frowning at those who make you spill the drink and wobble and down respect that I can't balance on one leg..

You see your mates dance to the dance floor that's full of young girls showing thighs legs and boobs. "do I look stupid cause I'm not like that?"
They dance and twirl around dropping to the floor and jumping around..
"Lizzie come dance"
Urgh  get off my arm, I can't move like that..
"If I sit down will they think I'm boring?!"

I get headaches and tired, it's the fact I need to take in so much and get over the grief of how I used to just get up and dance while holding two drinks
 like the girls I'm sitting in the corner staring at.

I then massage my calf where my splint rubs and sit back downing my drink looking as normal as I can trying to fit in.



You might not see my hidden disabilities but I feel them everyday and they haunt me every night.


Im still at the stages of trying to look normal and act like everyone else, I take photos to document how in a weird way I'm having the best time, how I look good to fit in and still look slightly attractive.
I remember my 21st when my old mates left me in the street because I couldn't be bothered to walk back up stairs to watch them dance.

I remember when my ex stopped me going out because I was going to cheat..

Make the most of the nights out Lizzie..
You used to go out all the time.

Now it's about determination and motivation

I've always written about my stroke or 'accident/incident' as a test to test my ability to beat the tasks I've been set, as small as;

Making a cup of tea, walking upstairs, walking in public, thinking about myself, gaining confidence, talking about my emotions and so on..

I feel like I've passed the test of my ability to control these things and the main task of adapting to only having the use of one arm, people would tell me I'm really motivated and that i must be really determined..

Truth is I never was, i just aimed to make myself happy again and not suffer from what had happened to me.

I will always have different tests even opening a can of beans can be a struggle..

But you try and try and don't let your brain give up, you focus on what you've done and how you could be where you were,

I'm 'here' or 'there' as people would say 'you'll get there lizzie' 

Now I know where the destination was, a place that I thought was impossible to reach.. I mean at times I have really down days where I actually feel like screaming and thinking 'fuck this shit I really can't be bothered anymore, fucking stroke'

I tried and tried to accomplish my set 'tests' given to me by physio's and occupational therapists, it took a while..

I'm on my own now, it's about coping and dealing with life in the new way and most possible way I can with my adaptations.. 

I need strength determination and motivation to get up go and smile everyday till I feel really happy about where I've come; mentally and physically.

My neuropsychologist left just over a year ago but I've coped, I've tried as hard as I can to reach my goal of returning to university and finding things to do to pass the time.. 

Now I'll understand and possibly agree if you tell me I'm really motivated and determined because I never want this to define me or beat me. I've been weak and I'm not going back.

Getting on with life

'You need to accept what's happened to you Lizzie'

Words I never thought would actually be believable..

You wouldn't, not after you cant walk, use your arm and have no confidence whatsoever..

I'm over the milestone of feeling like I should create my 'new life' as the girl who suffered a stroke.

In hospital I would of written about 200 thank you cards for; support, kindness and just visiting me.. Helping me know that I have moral support and did have friends..

Now if I could I'd only write 5.

People couldn't and can't handle my brain injury, you can't express why you laugh to the point where you have stitches over the smallest thing.

You can't explain how you can't take in two things at once anymore and that you're walking fast because you're focused on one destination..

'Lizzie it's this way..'

You can't explain how no matter how many times you've walked that route but even a day Later you've forgotten the route you just know where you're headed..

I walk to the best of my ability, I don't need to think about it as much, unless I'm walking downstairs or I know the person I'm with wants me to speed up..

I get scared

'Am I walking really slow? Ha I'm so sorry I walk well slow'

( anxious smile) 

'Are you embarrassed about my arm? Cause I can hide it..'

Obviously everyone I first meet or actually know says.. 

'No course not don't be stupid it's who you are'

Because their scared to look at me and say 'a little bit..'

I can walk looking ahead now, 

'Liz you need to learn to look up when you walk'

Something my mum would say..

I only get brain freeze on the right side of my head, no idea why maybe because it's so affected but needs to process the freeze..

And no I can't feel when you poke me  anywhere on my left side..

You wake up with a numb arm and think it's the end of the world

'Oh my fucking god I can't feel my arm!'

My whole left side feels like that, or I should say 'doesn't feel but is like that'

'You honestly can't even tell Lizzie you look completely normal'

Yeah because you can't see what goes through my head..

The struggle of, 'does my arm look hidden enough under my jacket?'

'If I smile does my face look wonky'

'Is my lip liner high enough to cover my drooped smile..

as weird as this sounds..

Sometimes to check that my mouth is equal when I talk I have to reply to myself in the mirror saying 'no Lizzie what you're wearing shows that massive plastics thing strapped to your leg'

I hide it as much as I can to not embarrass who I'm with..

I smile when I'm extremely hurt because I know that I should be proud of how far come..

I think to myself everyday 

'This has made you so much stronger and you've done something that no one else could.'

"Lizzie you're really strong that person who's sighing behind you while they have to wait to walk downstairs really slow will never see you again"

I still panic..

It's who I am now, it's what my brains decided to become,

You either accept my faults and problems or leave my life and never try to enter it again,

It shows how weak you are to not accept someone with a brain injury as bad as mine..

Don't say sorry, just walk away.

'I don't know if I could do what you're doing'

You could.

No other way to put it,

When you're given a chance to prove what you're worth and have enough support from family and friends, you realise that you have things to live for; disabled or not..

You find yourself struggling a lot, but that's only a tiny set back and some things need to take you through a hard stage till it starts to get better..

You'll start seeing yourself improving slowly but surely..

Stay positive and keep yourself happy.

You'll start to turn your grumpy face into a smile; wonky or not..

You'll struggle through little setbacks and the amount of tablets you take a day will scare you at first, the way you start to view the smallest things like; waking up in the morning or even being able to say

'This is my life I've been given a second opportunity because I have something to live for..

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, 

Don't listen to the crap of 'you'll get where you want to be'

Because sometimes you fail and nothing will be perfect again,

To put it bluntly you'll never recover fully..

But you'll recover to how you want to, you could give up or just let it beat you,

But when you start doing that you then start to slow your recovery down..

It's fucking shit and makes you feel depressed but it's worth it when you learn to deal with the emotional set backs,

Everything's a test, take it as you only have this last chance to live..

Ignore the people in your head telling you that you'll never be 'normal' 

That 'you're failing'

You can't' you could be the fattest,laziest,grumpiest and not even motivated to carry on.

Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to get you anywhere and you'll just stop your brain remembering that you have something to live for,

You'll notice you're pushing away your family, friends and support group because all they hear or see you doing is moan..

Would you visit or want to be around someone who moans constantly?

Would you be around someone who you've told can get better but won't listen to you?

Your brain feels like it's not a part of your body but it is..

It's the strongest organ in your body, it's the reason you're still here..

Don't let the stroke become your life,

You're worth more than some idiot in your head trying to destroy your life..

Listen to upbeat music 

Listen to your family and friends 

You'll be this strange version of normal, but remember the person who you might of seen walking down the street thinking and wishing you were them is

'Perfect' this strange delusion in your head that there is such thing as perfect isn't true.

They might be suffering too..

You're more inclined to stop your brain recovering if you compare yourself to; how you used to be, how you should be, how people view you and how you want to be..

No ones perfect or normal.

I've done this on my own only with support

I've recovered for myself and my family, I'd say friends but people know that's going to be a lie.

I ignored everyone who said I'll never recover

I've recovered a lot..

I ignored my physios telling me I'll still be in a wheelchair until the start on 2016

I'm walking..

I ignored my psychologist telling me I wouldn't be ready for university till at least 2017

I'm starting in September..

I ignored the thoughts of ending my life to not have to go through the pain of this..

I'm still alive.

I've learnt to do what makes you happy and to not put a time limit on anything, it's about determination and motivation 

I've learnt that life's what you make it and you can either give up or try your best.

Things not to say to me;

"Will you make a full recovery?'

No.

My nan/grandad had a stroke, their fine now..

Were they paralysed?

You look fine and you can't even tell..

Shut up and realise that you can tell and no one is 'fine' everyone's hurting inside even if it's for the smallest thing.

'You're so brave'

I'm not, I'm just not going to let my family see me suffer because they wouldn't want me to go.

I'd still flinch if someone had a go at me, I'm not brave.

'How do you do it?'

I honestly have no idea, I'd say just take everyday as it comes and think of how you want to feel better again.

'Lizzie all you talk about is your stroke'

Yeah well duh.. It's been my main focus for over a year and people like you remind me of how I used to be...

These hurt more than anything. And you should think before you speak because everything I hear I take so seriously

My nights out have turned into receiving lectures from people who know me, numorous questions of if I need any help, sympathetic hugs and stares, patronising conversations.

I can't walk away from someone without knowing they'll turn to a friend all I'll be known as 

'You know she had a major stroke'

Yep cool..

Don't ever assume you know why me and Luke split up;

' I was so angry that he dumped you after you're stroke, was that why he did it?.. Cunt'

He had to watch me change and had to see me struggle through everything. He might not of been as supportive as my family but he walked away because he has to get on with his life.. You can only support someone so much..

We're civil and I respect him for leaving. It's given me the reason to recover for myself.

Don't judge anyone unless you know the truth..

You know, I never intended to be where I am now, because at one stage I thought it would be physically impossible.

At one stage I thought I was to weak and ruined to carry on..

My support 'network' meaning my family and anyone who's physically helped me, even by helping me walk up a flight of stairs..

Are the ones I remember, not the ones who patronise me and make me feel like a child.

So don't ruin my night out.

I smile as best as I can because I know I once couldn't.

I walk as fast as I can because I'm still aiming to be 'walking ahead'

Recovery is a life long process and I'll never forget that, I'll never attempt to give up again, because yes I have tried.

More than once.

Recovery is 'hard' once again..

'It must be so hard I couldn't do it'

Believe it or not., you could.. You struggle but you don't struggle forever.

My confidence is back and my independence is slowly returning,

I still struggle to do some things.. 

I'm myself to those who meet me, you either 

Hate me or love me. Simple as, there's not an in between..

My brains half on half off or 'shut down' but it's improving everyday,

Yes I'm proud. 

I'm  still as determined as the first day I took my first steps in the gym..

Yes I'm health conscious.

I have 5 serious illnesses that will never go.

Yes I have ups and downs.

Anyone would..

You recover for yourself and there's no time limit there's not a full recovery, you learn to adapt, you learn to cope.

For yourself and family. Because family is all that matters when you're going through a crisis.

Don't treat me like you understand, don't have a go at me if I say the wrong thing..

not unless you've actually taken the time to read about the type of stroke I had.

my head is a jungle

sorry for the pun for those who know this is a song..

You get so mixed up in thinking that you need to recover to become this 'better stronger and determined person' that your damaged hurt lost and confused brain has become..
It sounds really difficult to those who haven't experienced anything thats changed them.
for better or worse?..


You get so mixed up in emotions..
You know what i'm just gonna smile  & pretend i'm 'fine' that everything will be okay. Until you realise that when you smile through the challenges you had/have to come/face it starts to look fake.
People try to understand when you try to explain your bewildered 'story' 'accident' 'life'
'Urgh just look me up on google!'
but you can see in their faces that to themselves their thinking;
'this is to hard to imagine because it's so rare and unexpected..

You have a Seizure;
Yes because I have epilepsy (another one to add to the check lists of;
'so Elizabeth do you have any illnesses...'
'Blimey, you've had a tough time..'
'My smile appears, yep ha.. just gotta get on with life though'..
'It must be really hard.'
'nah, used to it.. got to do it.'

I wake up in random places after getting a 'deja vu' feeling that makes my arm twitch outwards..
You have faces looking over your head in a shock, a worrying puzzled and once again bewildered expression.. because once again their probably trying to understand what you're going through;
'suffering'
'dealing with'
'hurting over'
'putting up with'

I cry, I look up and feel so lost, I try to breath through it thinking;
'why me?'
'please stop brain, please just stop making me look like an idiot..'

But it carries on..
people around you who saw the 'seizure' decide it's an amazing idea to explain detail exactly what happened, leaving you feeling much worse and anxious.  It helps to explain what type it's like,
yeah because there are so many types of seizures..
are you unconcious?
are you hearing the surroundings?
how you convulsed laying on the floor after walking and just throwing your uncontrollable body to the ground..
this could happen; anywhere, anytime, any-day..
You try to push through the 'deja vu' feelings because you know that if you think to much into it every-time you get 'the feeling' it will bring one on..

'Lizzie, if you have one when i'm with you what do I do?'
I think 'shit' to myself thinking..
'Can this human stop me; biting my tongue, swallowing my tongue, cracking my head open, breaking a bone, dying?'

because thats what it comes down too...
trusting those who you surround yourself with..

'Elizabeth you shouldn't drink'
says my epilepsy nurse, pushing my shoulder and smiling saying
'I know it's hard because you're young...'

What if I had one when I was out drinking?
Meeting new people?
At uni, my first day?..

Would you trust people you'd only just met to save your life?

you wake up; scared, shocked, tired and distressed..
'Now Elizabeth should I call an ambulance?'
'NO, don't.. theirs people out their dying and suffering much worse things that need to be their.. I've been diagnosed, I live with it, I try to deal with it and I try to cope with it..

don't fuss over me, i'm fine,  I have to be, I have to cope, I have to  deal with the fears scares and damage on my brain..

It is what it is

Everyone's different in their own ways,

Even though mines much different than anyone else's ( in some cases) 

You learn to adapt, 

It is what it is and won't change, 

I know I'll never get over it nor will I forget about it, but I will learn to cope with it in my own way; I might not be able to walk how others do or use my arm, but I can still live as much of a normal life to anyone else in the world 

It's better to be different than the same as everyone else who's focusing on trying to be this strange version of normal we have in our heads.. 

What is normal?

It is what it is and my body is how it is, my arm sticks out and I wear a plastic splint to help me walk but there's much worse people out there, 

You just need to try to get as much back as you possibly can; 

For me that was stupid things like; clubbing, meeting new people, uni and  work..

Which I'm aiming for and some of which I've luckily been given a second chance to do. Maybe not the same as it was before but that's up to me to try to change because all you can do is try.

You either try or give up but if you give up what are you going to be doing? 

Nothing.. 

Living a life of misery and heartache wishing you tried, wishing you took the chance you once had.

I can't change it so accept me

I can't go back in time no matter how many times I listen to 

Sub focus - turn back time. 

It's my life, it's who I am and it's different to you lot. But you learn to accept it like I learn to deal with it. 

I had no choice and I've tried as hard as I can, you can't judge how long I've tried to wonder if I'll ever go back to being how I was.. But now I know I won't. 

So don't ask me if I'll recover fully because it pushes me back to stage one. 

Just face the crowd

My second holiday since my stroke or 'accident' as I've started calling it,

The first one was about 7 months after, I remember clenching onto the airplane arm rest taking in deep breaths, then the tears started streaming down my face as I looked at my mum and said 'what if I have another stroke when we're in the air?!?!' 

'Liz, you're on all the right medications'

I remember waddling around, with a 'drop foot' that was so bad I was falling all over the place, and trying so hard to smile in photos but realising my face was still drooped..

This time, I watched the airplane take off, smiling and feeling like I was leaving a place I dread so much. Sometimes... 

I walked to the terminal which on the last holiday I struggled with.

Today I fell onto my ankle as I wasn't wearing my splint ( the massive plastic thing I can't walk without).

'Oh hello Madame you have hurt your leg yes?' 

'Oh yeah I fell over and broke my arm and leg'

Mum smiled.. 'I thought it's easier than having to explain all about a stroke..' 

Mum smiled.

I realised I can't tan anymore, maybe because I stayed in my house for the first year of my recovery, or perhaps because of the amount of medication I take.. 

I've learnt so many things that I'll learn  to adapt too

I've watched people walk around the pool and swimming, I've watched them walking along the sand; bumps and wonky parts of the sand holes.

Something I really struggle with..

I try to look at them and think 'make the most of that because it could be gone before you know it'

Then I think 

'Lizzie you've come so far and you should be proud of what you can do , not upsetting yourself over things you can't.

Every day is a new experience for me and every day I've learnt something I can't do.. But I know it'll improve 

I fluctuate

'I think you need to talk to someone'

'Are you okay? I'm really worried about you'

'Liz, one minute you're up then you're down'

 

I put on a 'brave face' because I know it'll make me seem strong when I'm actually weak, inside and out..

You get stressed, angry, upset, hurt, lost, confused and unsure..

You know how to 'cope' and deal with the fact that something's upset or hurt you, so you learn to deal with it.. And succeed 

My moods go up and down;

I'll wake up in the best mood, well I'll feel like I am. Even if someone was to stand right in the way and couldn't help it, I'd instantly get angry and it'd ruin the good mood I was in..

I've had so many leaflets on how to 'cope' mentally and physically but it's impossible for my brain ( probably not yours) to take in and function in the same way as yours..

You forget I have brain damage;

You suggest I need to 'talk to someone' and that I'm struggling, I deal with the feelings in the best possible way I can because I know they'll pass sooner or later in time..

The severity of brain damage is misunderstood to the point where I feel like crying when people say 'you look well' I'm not, I'm so damaged but my brain can't even process how to deal with it.

I cling on;

I need someone there and cling on when they are, I need that moral support of feeling helped loved or wanted..

Just remember;

Everything you say to me even if it's kind, I take it personally and think about it to the point where I'll assume it was an insult, just remember the more you tell me 'you're worried' it makes me feel worse and makes my mood sink to feeling like I've not accomplished anything.

Don't judge me;

Don't come up to me on nights out and judge the way I am, saying I am doing amazing or that I'm 'so brave' I'm not.. 

I only did it and have come this far because I realised that giving up would destroy my loved ones even more than what's happened to; me, my life, my brain, my emotions, my feelings and my actions..

They don't understand;

You tell people that you feel ready to do something and they instantly assume you need help support or something to do. I'm coping in my own way

I'm coping with the battle of a stroke that I could of stopped happening but missed every sign.

Could you cope?

Would you give up?

Would you feel shit? If different people told you that you need to talk to someone..

baby steps at first before the leap..

As the people that read my blog already know that i'm starting university again in September, To carry on the course I was studying before my stroke; Graphic Design and visual comunications at the university ofd creative arts in Canterbury (UCA).

I passed the first few modules up until December when i'd not reached any grades, So I only need to sit the classes from september till december when I will officially become a student again;
working, studying, creating and learning.. with support.

I was asked to go back in december so i just have to start working straight away, however I decided going back in september would be better; get to now students, get a gist of what university is like after a stroke, see how I cope in lectures and long days...

It's basically so that that I don't rush into it too fast and fail the years of university.

I'm so excited;
I used to hate going to university because i'd be really tired or just being a normal lazy student..

but when you loose the opportunity to do something you did before you almost crave to do it again, which is exactly what i'm going to do;
make the most of it, enjoy it, be myself and almost create a new identity instead of
'Hi i'm Lizzie I had a stroke...'

I mean I know i'll have days where I think
'Urgh I spent all day at university yesterday I honestly can't be bothered to get up and go again'
But mainly because if I 'overdo it' my fatigue kicks in; walking there and back, walking around the uni, listening to people, talking, thinking, taking things in and so on... will 100% tire me out, I mean just going shopping tires me out to the point where my knee's ache and I need a massive lazy day just eating and watching crap television..

I'm sure the old lady that walks past my front room window and looks in ( pretending she's not) will miss me, i'll miss her...
I would say i'll really miss the endless amounts of housework I do around the house ( yes mum you'll disagree)..


It'l be nice to come home and have something interesting to talk about and tell other people about; what i've learnt, who I made friends with...

I'll probably carry on doing my work when I get home after university..
I used to come home and just sit there getting so into my sketchbooks; I loved doing typography and laying out the pages really neat, obviously with one hands it wont look as good (without sounding big headed) but it wont be as neat ( yes mum you might need to help)

I used to look forward to buying all the equipment for the term before I went back;
I still have the boxes in my room full of pens in different colours and bull-point pens, with chewed ends..

I have all the stuff I had from my BTEC extended diploma that I studied there;
I remember they gave us that had paid for one a huge transparent box, almost like a tool box;
we all say there opening everything up, using the white tac to stick on the tables and the stanley knives to chop bits of the wooden tables off..

It'll be so different now, entering a world of struggles and new people,

so please university bring back my confidence and independence and please make sure that the support I will get will stop me coming home to my mum and stepdad demanding support and help on how to lay out an essay.


I'll try, i'll turn up and it'll be the main goal of my long recovery journey.
once upon a time I was told I might not ever recover enough to back, even thinking about the walk scared me.. I'll get there and back. I've walked there since..


You wont beat me and you wont destroy my dreams or goals, i'm carrying on to fight you. I've never had a fight and I hate them but you're for life and I know i'll beat you.

Also;
Please can the government drop the fee's of university because it'd very expensive for someone who might have a long term disability to pay back
(as mum would say hashtag just saying) I can'y find the hashtag on this macbook, so hopefully I find out where that is..

You're to much

You're on my mind without creeping up on me, you just appear even if I'm at my best point and I feel like I'm happy, not ontop of the world, my world; 

My distant, lonely, damaged and messed up world. 

You're always there, I knew you'd stay and I knew you'd never leave but I didn't assume you'd hurt this much..

Your down moments hurt more than the version I have of how scared I was after you gave me realisation that it nearly ended. It being my life, 

My everything, my world, my happiness, my functioning brain the thoughts that made me get through every single day to the point where I wouldn't even have a second to feel down. 

You're like a ghost that won't stop hurting you or scaring you;

You leave scars pains aches and scary memories in my damaged brain, a brain that once worked, a brain that once helped me push everything away..

Now you're pushing it away, you give me ups and downs struggles fears and create tears. 

Why me? 

Why did you come to me?

Why did you choose me?

Why did I have to be the chosen one? 

No one can answer but it's going to stay for life.. A short and ruined life. 

I'd rather you ask

I'd rather you ask; the struggles, how I feel, how it felt, if I'm okay, if I need to talk , if I'm coping okay, how it happened, what I had to cope with..

I get the random 'I'm scared I'll ask the wrong thing' there is nothing wrong to ask, it's my life and I'm open about it, it's who I am, it's something I can't change and I'd rather you knew about the way my brain actually works, how my emotions are messed up, how I literally need to think about everything I do to be able to cope with being a regular adult.. 

Everything is fine to ask unless you're going to be stupid and upset me. 

You hurt people

You leave scars on the ones who try to beat you and you test those who try to get over you, oh and you try to test if they actually want to beat you..

But yet you take away the lives of those who are to vulnerable to fight against you. 

You leave people so weak even when there recovering enough to walk talk and live. Trying to lead a normal life, dealing with the pain you've caused..

Creating new pathways in a damaged brain that could give up on you again, hurting people around you; loved ones, friends, family and people who are there to just listen and support you through it..

It's hard to realise you're a life destroying 'illness' or should I call you a 'killer?' Something that we try so hard to prevent but yet people get destroyed by you. 

Dear strokes that happen to anyone at any age, we try we fight as much as we can. You're not winning if you destroy a life but you fail. You create a heartache to more people who will just want you to stop. 

Stop hurting everyone and  preventing them doing things they once did without thinking. 

I respect you don't

I don't expect you to understand how hard it is or how impossible little things can be, 

I don't even want you to understand because it's not something I'd wish apon anyone.. 

I hate the thought of anyone reaching an old enough age to have a stroke, because it would hurt to much to know you might go through this pain; not realising, loosing confidence, struggling to even walk, feeling weak constantly and loosing everything you thought was going to stay with you forever. I'd hate to think of you going through the stage of wanting to just give up and end your life, even feeling like your life was never worth living.. 

You know when you sit there and think 

'Yeah this is my plans my goals and it will be my future and everything. 

Then you get it taken away literally in the space of evening to morning. 

You miss the days you could just wake up smiling and remember what you have planned for your future planned day to keep you moving to your goals.. 

You miss the days of just sitting in your room laying down staring at the ceiling thinking;

'Shit I've actually got a job and earn my own money, I'm going to do this forever  and then the next time/day you work being there thinking 'I fucking hate this job, can't wait to go home' .. 

You then sit there so happy the days over.

This is never gonna go away

How would you feel if I laughed when you stumble?

If I pointed at you and giggled while you nearly tripped?

If I stared at your limb that you try to hide from everyone to avoid the strange looks 

If I didn't help you when you tripped over?

If I frowned at you when you smile at me?

Think about it as the person you are now..

It wouldn't happen would it? Because you're the same as everyone else

Now think about how it would feel if you were in my position, not only different but trying so hard to gain the confidence you once lost and need to recover to even leave the house..

You'd feel worthless; hurt, scared, anxious and embarrassed. 

That's how it feels to be me, everyday sometimes not that much if I try hard enough to fit in like every normal human walking the streets. 

Do you think I'm not aware that I look different and have a mild disability? 

Do you think I'm incapable of having any emotion atall?

Do you think I can balance when you shove past me, on my weaker side to the point where I feel like smacking you in the face to feel the pain you've caused me. 

It knocks me to breaking point, to feeling ashamed to what my brains done to my body, you know when I see the fast advert on ambulances I look down and cry, thinking

'Why did I fall asleep that night? Why didn't I recognise the signs? Why didn't I listen to my feelings?'

I was so close to having half my brain operated on because my brain wouldn't stop swelling up.. 

'Would that of happened if I caught the warning signs?

Would that of happened if I had the stroke when I was awake?'

That's my biggest fear more than having another stroke, the fact that my brain still throbs and pulses when I feel tired or get a headache, the fact it feels like it could explode.. It's done it once before, can happen again can't it?

'Actions speak louder than words' 

And your actions of rudeness and unkindness hurt me more than if someone broke your favourite lipstick or best pair of trainers or Infact, killed a family member, so think before you fucking act; point, stare, laugh, giggle, whisper, frown and grunt at me..

I might not seem it but I'm stronger than you even think, you'd cry if you smashed a glass, I've dealt with worth and I'm putting up with your shit pretty much everyday.