It's my life so let me live it..

Let me decide what I want to do 

Let me go where I wish to go

Let me build my independence in a way that IM comfortable with 

Let me get confident in my own skin 

Let me grow up... 

Set me free and let me live my new life

I'm sick of being told 'well I think this will be good for you'

Fuck off. 

It's my life and I'll do what makes me happy. Not you.

It's holding me back;

I miss just making a decision on what I want and not worrying what others will think or what their opinion on it would be... 

Set me free... 

Let me breath and build my own life 

In confidence 

In happiness

And positivity

Don't hold me back anymore 

Or tell me to build my independence then get angry when I try

If I could beg you I would... 

i'm walking 10k for stroke

on the 22nd of march this year i'm walking 10k for stroke and i'd really appreciate any donations to reach my £500 goal :)
https://www.justgiving.com/Elizabeth-Ashmore

Dear anxiety

Dear anxiety, 

Please stop getting in the way of me and my independence.. 

I miss going out without worrying about if I would have a sezuire, I miss easily pushing all the worries to a part of my brain that I don't think about. 

It's been atleast 2years that I've put up with you and it's ruining my life, please go away.. 

It's hard having panick attacks everytime I want to leave the house or go out anywhere, sometimes even getting in the shower. 

Please leave me alone because I hate you 

You'll learn to forget about it..

How? 

How can you forget something that affects you everyday and changed your life forever, and I know it's forever because it's nearly been a year and some things still get harder than when I first had my stroke.. 

I have panick attacks before I fall asleep sometimes because I'm scared to sleep incase it happens again. 

How do you move on from such a huge thing, a thing that not only affects daily living but; so much so that you can't walk in a straight line without having to remind your brain to 'bend straighten and step' In time with your other leg just like everyone else who seems to do it perfectly normal and make it look so easy. 

Life's hard, life's tough and I'm starting to hate what the strokes done to my life. 

I can't forget about it, and I try but I physically fail. I can't walk anywhere without someone staring at me in a way that makes me just put my head down and remember why there staring..

'Lizzie their staring because you walk different and your arms sticking out'

Would you laugh at someone in a wheelchair? 

So why fucking laugh at me. 

Would you stare at someone who has scars on their face? 

Don't talk to me about 'forgetting it' because I've tried and I can't. 

cleaning is my physio...

Don't rely on the physio you get when you leave hospital to help you;
walk, talk, be confident, be independent..
 basically everything you loose from your stroke..

It's all you; you do the hard work, you wont get confident by just doing nothing.
If you can do it once you can do it again, even if you struggle, even if it's hard and seems impossible..

nothing is impossible.

When i'm home alone (most days) I clean;
lift things from floor to floor, making sure everything's sorted so my mum wont need the stress when she comes home. ( only me as i'm the most stressful human to live with)..

I walk more, I use both hands to lift tubs of clean/dirty washing up and downstairs, I believe it's helping my motivational side of my brain come back.
I know i'm still lazy at times but honestly at the earlier stages of my recovery i'd get so angry when my OT and Physio asked me to clean my house, like i'd literally refuse to do anything mainly because my fatigue was so bad, I couldn't even walk to the toilet without nearly falling asleep.
I feel like the cleaning everyday has not only given me more strength in my leg and arm and helped me balance better, but given me better things to do than watching things like; Jeremy Kyle and crappy tv shows that no one likes..
I put my headphones in and just enter my own world where I can pretty much do anything.

If I feel really up to it, i'll go for a walk around the estate we live on/near
 (my step-dad laughs because we don't even live on the estate, it's just a load of roads near our house)

I do it on my own because it's helping me get my confidence back and giving me independence to do stuff on my own..
It's literally the hardest thing to do, and scary because of how vulnerable I am now..
but it's helping me with pretty much everything I do.

I was discharged from the Community physio's mainly because they couldn't help me anymore, nor did they think I would be walking/doing as much as I do now..
on my own.


If at first you don't succeed, try again.
Only you can make it happen/work.

'mum I don't like it.. everyones staring'

Yesterday was literally amazing, i'd bought me and mum tickets to go to London & see WICKED at the apollo theatre.
We decided to get to London early ( so I could shop & buy clothes).. not that I need any atall.
We were finished early so got to the theatre early, As much as I loved the atmosphere, walking down possibly ( hundreds) of stairs was so scary..

My arm sticking out so people were obviously staring, and having to hold my mums arm as I can't walk down stairs without a rail on my right hand side, so again, people prpbably wondering why I needed so much help..

I had a small sezuire on the train to London, so I was quite tired & grouchy and having hundreds of eyes staring at you just because you're different was the hardest thing..

I literally can't express how amazing the show was ( not that I can remember it) but I remember it being really good & green..

I walked just over 3miles adding up all the walking from the whole day & that's the most i've done since my stroke.. I realised how weak my knee is and how i'm not as strong as others..
This is a confidence thing again, but I know it'll get better.. in time. Just like everything else..

Goodbye..

My neuropsychologist..
someone i've spoken to on a weekly basis since 3 weeks after my stroke has left, in her words; 'discharged me'

But she told me she was getting another job and they haven't found her a replacement,
I'm terrified; she told me to end it with my ex when I basically opened up about the way he'd started treating me, she helped me with how to deal with over thinking and basically tried to stop my anxiety.
Now what do I do? ..
People say I can talk to them and express how I feel
But it's not the same when they aren't trained in neuropsychology or don't talk to other people with serious brain injuries.
I can't trust anyone to actually 'help me'  I can't talk to anyone the same way i'd talk to her..
I'm stuck;
stuck in feeling like everything's going to be like this forever and nothings going to be how it was and nothings going to make me feel as happy as doing something you've craved for so long does..
I'm lost.
I'm hurt
i'm upset
and i'm loosing everything

I don't know how to talk to people anymore
I don't know how to literally express my emotions anymore
I don't know how to open up to someone so they feel how I feel
so they can understand my pain or happiness
I don't know what to do with anything anymore

That's me done.
I'm gone
I'm never coming back and i'm never going to get any part of my brain back anymore.

the best way to describe it..
Is like when you're rummaging through a draw of socks holding one trying to find it's pair, knowing you have to leave the house soon knowing you have plans but you need to find the sock otherwise thats it, everything's messed up; your plans, your day, your socks, your washing. Now imagine doing that with one arm/hand, and picturing the fact you can't run out the door when you've found the sock and you're ready to go..
Thats it.

I'm 'that'.
I'm constantly, everyday in fact;
 trying to find 'the other sock' trying to 'please everyone' trying to 'explain how I feel' trying to 'make my life not seem as shit as it is, trying to make people impressed with 'how far i've come'..
as well as..
 recovering and putting a smile on my face wondering if it looks real or if people can 'see right through it' and then reminding myself i'm completely different to everyone else, everyone I want to be;
 picking up the pace when i'm walking, reading things in shops and understand what they say/do without being exhausted, wondering what this will stop and i'll get 'there'
where ever 'there' is...

someone please tell me, because I physically don't know where it is anymore..
wheres my destination? wheres the day I can just sigh a massive sigh of relief knowing it's all done. knowing it's over and literally was just.. 'a phase'

Her words before she left;
''Think of this as a good change, think of how you've done all this on your own and that you're strong, life does get better Lizzie, I promise you.

I cried and replied;
''I think i'm depressed please help me''

She simply looked at me and gave me a huge hug, telling me i'm beautiful and i'm not depressed it's just a huge step in my recovery..

You know I can't even write this without wanting to cry or without feeling like crap.


What can I do?
Who can I turn to when i'm hurt or upset?
Who will hug me when I need to cry about something thats just my brain over thinking?

Because it's pushed my friends and everyone else away..
''Your problem is you push people away Lizzie''
''You need to stop thinking so much''
'' This too shall pass''
'' Think of how far you've come''

So don't tell me you'll be there to talk to me if I ever need it, if you're gonna run away like the rest of them..

Please.

nearly a year..

Well what a year..
What have I learnt? and more or less realised...


How to balance
How to stand
People only accept you if they get something out of it as well
The people you class as 'true best friends' are wankers and mean nothing
The worst thing ever is NOT a 'bad hair day
How to walk
How to shower
How to be independent
How to smile
How to overcome fears
How to be confident no matter how you look
That you can't trust anyone
Body image means nothing
The people who don't show they care, care more than anyone else
Lifes shorter than you think
Make the most of everything you do
Salad doesn't fill you up at all
Health's much more important than drinking
Clubbing is shit and full of turds.
Just cause you're going on a date doesn't mean they like you (they probably feel sorry for you)
Family is everything
Accept help, even if you don't feel you need it or want it
Make the most of what you have
Don't dwell on the past, it's called the past for a reason
You can live with only one arm/hand, i'm still complete
Normal doesn't exist, everyone's weird in their own way
Don't judge someone just because their different too you
Your brain is the most powerful organ in your body
You are your bestfriend;
you judge yourself
accept yourself
 help yourself
create your own memories
make yourself laugh and achieve much more than any other person could
No one truly understands your situation
They say they do to make you feel at ease
You're braver than you believe,  stronger than you seem, smarter than you seem and smarter than you think
Only you know when you're ready to do something
Nothing is impossible
Be patient, everything worth while takes time
Nothing is better than being happy
Strokes are assholes
Anything you regret you once chose to do
Fake friends appear when something really bad happens
The people who treat you like shit aren't worth it
Moving on from all the crap is the best feeling in the world
Being discharged from hospital is better than anything
Accept the compliments as you'll only get them once from that person
Music is amazing
The media make random stuff up to get more attention
Only you know what you want and need
Don't do something for someone else, do it for yourself
Uni is ridiculously expensive
Social Media is a drug


What have you learnt?...

My anxiety attacks

For a year now or just over, I've suffered severe anxiety attacks, it started from having a sezuire in the centre of town Infront of loads of people.. 

I get extremely panicky and out of breath to the point where I feel like I'm going to have a sezuire, by having 'déjà vu' 

I need atleast a minute with my head down to 'breathe through it' .. 

It can happen; when I'm stressed, when I'm nervous, if I don't sleep, if I feel uncomfortable or dizzy. 

Most people pushed all my stroke side affects to one side as my anxiety was so bad they assumed it was just me being panicky again.. 

My face would drop and I'd just panick, becoming so scared that it was another sign of a sezuire 

How do you get away from anxiety? 

How do you recover from feeling as if you're surrounded by walls and can't escape 

How do you get away from something that ruins everything; falling asleep, watching TV, having a conversation, doing daily tasks... 

Aswell as knowing you need to recover from a major brain injury. 

I'm so scared 

I'm always doing things slowly and 'preparing myself' incase I have another one.. 

If my family wants to go for lunch the next day, I have to cancel it and say I'm tired as I know it'll happen, I know that it'll ruin my day aswell as there's.. 

I want it to stop, I want it to go away and I want it to just die.. 

You're ruining my life, you're killing my brain, you're scaring me, you're knocking my confidence and I don't need you.. 

Never let yourself be defeated

I've said this to myself since day one when I was given the huge talk on 'you'll get nowhere if you just give up' 

It's the hardest thing I'll ever do and I know that for a fact, but I also know that if I gave up all those times I refused to try in physio or in hospital, I'd be stuck now and I'd be incapable of anything.. 

This weeks been a really tough one, but this proves that I shouldn't be defeated;

I can give up and just beg for help or I can try and atleast get somewhere.. Perhaps not where I want to be but atleast its a step closer than before 

Changes at home..

Something I really should of written about when I first came out of hospital but forgot (easy mistake) was the changes you face at home when 'you're free' or are you... 

My house is a tall Victorian house and my mum and step dad tried really hard to try to keep it looking old and interesting, when I came out of hospital I faced stairs with a banister on the wrong side (left hand side) and stairs to the kitchen with nothing to hold onto (which I struggle with) as I need the support and secure feeling.. 

My OT and Physio came round and changes were made to our house, starting with our stairs and a handle on my shower so I can support myself when I stand or get in and out of the shower.

We have the ugliest rails into our cellar that are metal white and don't match our original banister unfortunately 

I use a stool to shower on IF I'm going out for the day and don't want to stand up an become to shaky/tired.. 

I've only JUST  gotten rid of my slip proof mat, as I feel more confident in the shower now, the bath however... I still use it.. 

I used to have a larger stool but it was to heavy for me to independently set up my showers so mum bought me this smaller one...

You never realise how many stairs a house can have until you suffer a disability that changes everything

My shower grip (used so I can pull myself into my shower) 

My new improved lighter and better shower stool

I use this for all MY shower stuff, as our other holders are to high..

My banister that leads to my room, easier for me to get up the stairs so I can sleep

The banister that leads to our main bedrooms and my one, really modern looking and has no place in this house as it looks odd. 

That's the only photos I've taken at the moment but there are so many more adjustments; slip proof matts for the kitchen so I can butter toast and open jars, 

A plastic bread spread used to stop my toast sliding off the kitchen side

A towel with Velcro so I can do it up myself and walk from the bathroom to my room. 

Oh and a knork (a fork with a knife on the end) the most helpful invention!

If anyone reading this cares and supports someone who's had a stroke I can give you information on where any of these are from however the banisters are supplied by your(there) OT and Physio team.. Just like the persons arm splint 

eashnore1993@hotmail.co.uk

You can email me any questions you have im always free :) 

My next goal..

My next goal is to be independent; live independently, look after myself independently and try to pick up where I left off.. 

I was aiming to leave home and move out, although money was the biggest issue stopping me.. 

Now it's the fact I have a really serious brain injury

'No liz, you've had a brain injury it's not as straight forward for you to do that'

'No liz, your brain doesn't function as quickly as that persons' 

So now I'm stuck..

What do you do when; you want to leave, go away and just achieve something you know would make you happy. Not just from the outside but from the inside I'd be insainly happy. 

'You can move out when you're ready' is what I get... 

Aswell as

'Only you know when you're ready Lizzie, it's your choice, your life'

Is it though?.. 

Because it seems when I make (try to make) my own decisions I get told I'm wrong or I'll get a questionable look that instantly makes me question if I'm making the right choice.. 

That's not fair? That's not life? 

It's my brain and my recovery, how would you feel if you wanted to be independent but we're being stopped by people trying to give you a 'better opinion' 

Let me live & grow 

That's life.. Well atleast that's what I thought about life before my stroke, not now.. Now I'm stuck feeling like any choice I make is going to be wrong, I used to get asked why I higher the tone of my voice after everything I said 'Liz, you sound asif you're asking a question everytime you speak' 

I stopped it.. But now it's come back.

'How do you feel liz?'

I'm;scared, I'm lost and I'm unsure of how to achieve what I want out of life. 

And my neuropsycologist is leaving so who will I have then? 

Don't treat me like I have no feelings

Don't talk to me as if I can easily understand what you're saying, it takes me a while to understand your point

Don't tell me when I'm sad or upset, I know when I am. 

Don't tell me that something I haven't understood is 'common sense' my brain doesn't know what common sense is.. 

Don't call me a cripple and act as if it won't hurt my feelings 

Don't stare at me any different to how you'd stare at your mate who's 'normal' I'm normal too, I'm just slower and confused

Don't tell me that I'll get out of this phase of feeling down, I've been like it for ages and it hasn't changed atall 

Don't ask me to repeat what I've said, it takes me a while to remember what I said in the first place and I talk quiet as my voice takes longer to process louder 

Don't accuse me of ignoring you, I can't just snap out of my daydreams like you could and I'm not ignoring you, I'm thinking about how to respond. 

Don't treat me like a 5year old, I'm still 21 and still have adult feelings, Infact my feelings are a lot stronger than any 'normal' persons. 

I cry easier 

I take things to heart more than you would

I hold onto if something's hurt me longer than you would 

I feel stronger about if someone upsets me more than you would and am more likely to be heartbroken by it

I could cry myself to sleep for weeks even if you told me something that happened years ago, so don't bring up the past and expect me to just move on and forget it. 

Don't tell me when I'm ready to do something, when and if I'm ready, I'll do i, I don't need you to tell me when I'm ready 

Don't talk to me about 'old times' and expect me to remember them like yesterday, I choose what I want to remember and I block out anything that hurt me or upset me. 

I don't need you to tell me how hard your life is or try to make me understand why you're hurt about probably a cold or cough. 

Don't tell me I'm lucky or that I've come so far if you haven't known me long enough to respect what I've been through. 

My brains slower than yours, my brains more damaged than yours my brains struggling with everything and trying to work at the same time, so please respect that I try hard even if I seem to be acting rude or unappreciative. It goes in but just at a slower pace.. 

it's not for me, i'm sorry..

On tuesday I over came a huge fear i've been having for months now, looking around Banstead, a rehabillitation centre that young people from the ages of 16-65 who've had serious brain injuries go to, to learn; how to be independent, how to live, how to talk, how to walk & do everything I learnt in hospital and when I first came home.


I looked on the website weeks before in preparation of knowing 'what to expect' however, you know they show all the miracle stories and talk to you as if it works wonders..
So I had high expectations..

I went with my step-dad as it would stop arguments between me & mum.
This took some of the strain off of the day.


I'd written two pages of questions I had to ask them, so I knew I had the most of my experience.

The lady basically quized me on; my stroke, what my goals are,what I wish to gain if they did fund me going here, and what I can already do.

She showed us around and as soon as I saw the first room (the gym) I felt so sick, it gave me the exact same feeling i'd get everytime I had physio in hospital, where you can't even smile because you just want to scream and get out of there. 'so this is our gym we have loads of different equiptment for different disabilities'..
'yeah it's, nice..'

in my head just repeatedly waiting to turn around and not have to stand there staring at all the same stuff I saw when I was being hoisted onto plinths and equipment to learn to walk..


I smiled.. We walked down a long corridoor, passing a few people that were staying at Banstead. Again I smiled. I was introduced but I honestly can't remember who they were, They couldn't; walk, talk, smile, move or basically do anything I could.

Thats when it hit me, 'You've actually come so far Lizzie'
and I would still be in a wheelchair had I of given up when I was first told about my stroke.
'You're right handed aren't you'
again.. 'yeah, ha!'
 'well thats lucky'

umm... what the f*** do you reply?
she'd worked there for 10 years with young people who can't do much and she comes out with that..

as well as telling me I need Physio for my 'limp'
I looked straight at my stepdad and really sharply asked
''do I have a limp?! is it really bad?''

because you would wouldn't you...
I mean I've had to learn this 'walk/limp' and i'll be walking like it for the rest of my life...
so obviously I felt like slapping this lady.
Considering i'd had a full blown sezuire two days before that physically knocked me un-concious, I thought I walked quite well..

After walking down this corridoor we entereed a room that was where you'd be staying if I got accepted;
a sink, a bed, a hoist, a cupboard and places to put posters..

I smiled and replied
'do I not get showers? as I can shower myself'

'yes, only if you get accepted into the high independency flats which I think you would from what you've said so far..'
I smiled.
in my head thinking 'thank god, I actually get to be independent and leave here with what I came in for as an achievement.

She explained that nurses do all your; medication, food, bedroom cleaning and so on..
So I simply replied
'So Um, how would this bring my independence back exactly? as I do my own medication at home and the washing  and stuff if my brain gets the motivation, i've spent the past two days just doing constant cleaning around the house just so I can gain more independence'


She looked so shocked..
So I smiled...

We then looked at; music rooms, art rooms, counselling rooms, television rooms and so on...
'wow sounds amazing' so many people that read this must be thinking...

Yeah IF you liked school and were in a rehab ward in hospital and enjoyed it.

But I however;
hated both.

and this place...

what do you reply when you hate somewhere but you get asked 'so, what did you think'
'oh yeah, was really nice...'

'you'd only be here for 6-12 weeks IF you get accepted'

in my head hoping I really don't get accepted, as I think it'd push me back rather than forward.
I sat in a room with; my stepdad, a pshycologist, a Physio, an OT and a speech and language therapist. Who all quized me as if I was in a job interview to fly to the moon.
So,
I quized them..
I asked them all my questions and if they could bring my arm/hand back.
I told them i'm leaving my university course as i've decided journalism & multimedia is more 'up my street'
(Sorry to those in my university class.. But I really don't want to be reminded of what I was like before by being in the same university course/campus.)

They were so shocked & asked me what I hoped to gain if I was accepted..
I said 'well, to be honest, not much. My brain will recover when it's ready and i'm happy how I am now, I've quit my job and i've faced bigger fears and I think all I need it help with my anger & anxiety..
For university i've arranged myself, to go to the open day and emailed the course leader explaining my situation, also asking if they have part-time courses to go on.
we've been in contact since and she'd supportive about how I apply ect...

For my emotional well being coming here would isolate me more and thats how I see it...
My stepdad interrupted
''She's walking much further than her Physio's ever assumed she would and she was discharged from the community physio's as they had nothing more to help her with'

I then said..
''I believe that if I can do it once, i'll be able to do it again'' and i've been telling myself this from day one, when I first got the bus on my own and went to a hospital appointment on my own.. this has carried on.

the OT:
'you go to hospital appointments on your own? and get the bus on your own?!'

'Yeah how else would i explore the world, i'm home alone everyday.. it'd be unfair to make my mum take me. and i'd gain no independence.



this place...

It's not for me,
I don't feel i'd gain anything and thats just how I feel, no one else has said anything to me.
So yeah give your opinion. But mines already made up.

I looked around it,
I created MY own opinion,
I gave MY views and I asked the questions I had.

which I was told to do...
Now i'm telling YOU how I feel and what I want. which hasn't been something I could do easily this past year..
By writing this blog post, I feel you'd understand more and take it in easier...

The end.

'Liz can you hear me? Wake up'

So living life as an epileptic is... Interesting, my sezuires are so much worse now than before as I've had so many more since my stroke, (also a side affect of a stroke) and I just happened to get diagnosed with it... 

I take medication for it but it's rare that it completely stops the sezuires..

I get severe déjà vu before one and go all panicky, this also happened today, I wake up unconcious wherever I happen to of been sitting/standing.. 

Today I woke up to my mum asking me to wake up and I genuinely thought I'd had another stroke, luckily I hadn't.. 

But I had completely knocked myself out on my bed (which is metal) and bangged every part of my left side on the floor, I had to be physically lifted off the floor as I can't push myself up off the floor with my left side as I'm still weak. 

So that's life as an epileptic, every conversation or time I go out I constantly get scared of collapsing (so I carry an 'I'm epileptic card' round with me everyday)..

You need a good nights sleep and no stress (both of which I struggle with) this is to prevent sezuires 

Slow down and reprioritize

It's taken me 11months to come to terms with what my stroke was really based on, 

I spent years trying to be someone I was never going to be, I knew I couldn't go partying till early hours simply because it was damaging my kidneys, I think since Tuesday when I was told that my kidneys are functioning made me properly realise;healths more important than going out and getting smashed. 

I went out far to much and it started at such a young age that I'm surprised I'm not on dialysis to be honest, 

My new life's all about being healthy and looking after myself, no more binge drinking just to fit in, because that's why people do it.. 

You wouldn't go out if no one else did, 

You wouldn't wear skimpy dresses if no one else did.. 

You'd follow the crowd depending on what they wore/did

It's hard to grasp and even harder to actually realise that it's the truth but I believe it's something I should thank my stroke for, leading a healthier lifestyle and staying happy by not taking things for granted; basically everything from walking to just being able to move my leg..

If I could I'd sit my 16 year old self down and just repeatedly stop myself going out and thinking that going out underage was cool because if I knew what I knew now I 100% would of stayed in. 

Selfie time

I've always been a selfie taker Infact who isn't? I decided that after my stroke I will follow my face progress by taking selfies, it's harder to take one and actually like it nower days instead of 'hmmm not sure about that bit of hair' it's now; 'ahh shit you can tell I've had a stroke' therefore I end up taking about 80 before I like one 

I look back on photos and compare the droop which at first was such a big deal for me, when I speak you can tell simply because my left side is slower than the right, I noticed this in my newsbeat video (worst moment) simply because it was something Greg James tweeted.. 

I'll never stop taking selfies just like I'll always keep reminding myself how far I've come so here you go I went for the pout 

Life's black and white

It's either shit or amazing, 

I can't focus on the Middle emotions anymore. 

I have breakdowns that's what I call them anyway, my brain gets so frustrated I either smash something or just scream and mentally breakdown to the point where I feel like killing myself. 

When something's bad it literally feels like  the end of the world and everything that's happened that's bad comes rushing back to me, I know everything will be okay but it's asif I can't remember anything good. The good filter in my brains broken. 

So bad that I tried to run away from home earlier, I know my limits and how far I can walk I just needed to get away and walk, walk anywhere that I can just be on my own and just drain the stress away. Didn't work it's just made me realise I want to move out and get away, but I can't. I walked past all these houses that I knew my mates lived in and was tempted to just ask to live with them but something inside stopped me, 

Will I always feel like this? 

Will I always be this 'depressed?' 

I've started calling it depression, this is common after a stroke, 

'but liz you've nothing to be depressed about' 

Hmmm.... 

Thankyou Ben Howard for giving me peice of mind and sticking by me while I walk... 

Swimming in the deep end

Everyday is tough, every week gets harder

But this is how to explain it so others understand 

I'm not asking you to understand and I'm not asking you to feel what I feel 

I'm just asking you to stick by me and my emotions. 

I'm unstable I'm unsure and I'm grieving for something, I find everything I do a struggle and I find my world harder to cope with most days. 

It's like when you learn to swim and you're hovering on the slant between the deep end and the shallow end, you know the part that determines if you can float or swim. The part that makes you feel confident enough to just swim for miles, 

I used to get so excited to conquer the days, so excited to 'try new things' and even more excited when something happened that I wasn't expecting, now I hate it.. 

I sat talking to my doctor the other day asking stupid questions 

'Will I have another stroke?' 

'Will my blood get thicker?' 

'If I had another stroke would I die?' 

Every question he had a seconds silence before answering.. 

So now I'm stuck in a hole of 

'will life always be this shit?' 

Don't talk to me just because I've had a stroke because it hurts more than when my old friends shouted at me for just trying to make myself happy.

I'm trying to 'live my life' I'm trying to 'get on with it' but it's so hard..

Taking on everything

I feel like I've destroyed my mums life and ruined my own, as much as I try to smile and deal with everything that's wrong with me, inside it's the hardest thing.. 

'You're making me ill liz I can't live like this'

This is said to me on a daily basis but all I can do is just deal with everything, I mean, I hate what's happened to me and if I could I'd reverse back to before my stroke and 'look after myself' as my mum would say... 

But I can't, I'm stuck with the guilt of destroying what was a 

'perfect household' 

I feel I get the blame for so much now, I never used too.. I mean yeah, not 'doing my bit' but when you physically can't find the motivation to do anything, I want too.. I don't want to be stuck at home forever I want my independence back. 

I found it, and lost it quickly..

My hospital appointments are all lies; 

'You're recovering well' 

'Yeah I'm really good thankyou, I can walk thats the main thing' 

When it's shit, my leg aches and I walk in a wonky line.. And I have to wear a peice of plastic velcroed to my leg/ankle so it holds my ankle up. 

I used to love everything, I'd smile while bopping along to uni, and enjoy getting ready everyday just to make myself feel good.. Girls will understand as its a thing makeup does. 

I do love my life, I have the most amazing boyfriend but it's hard, I try so hard to show him I'm not weak and that I can be brave.. But I'm scared that if I become the old me he would run away like my ex did when I changed after my stroke. Trust is so hard, you either have it or you don't. 

I've lost all my friends.. I get shouted at for helping myself and unfollowing them on Twitter or facebook because I'd do anything to be like them, I'm so jealous.. 

I'd do anything to sit and chat about 'the weekend' or how 'that dress goes with those heels' 

I blame myself because if I'd of been 'good' and not spent my early years partying or experiencing clubbing I wouldn't wish I could do it again, I'd be a regular adult And just get on with my recovery. 

When I know I'm seeing my dad, I always get so nervous that I end up making up a lame excuse just to not go, I feel I have to impress him, don't ask why.. 

I've always done it, he's the one parent I don't see much but when I do I feel I need to be a different person. 

I'll spend hours getting ready and put the bravest face on throwing all these lines out about how amazing my strokes made me feel because I just want him to be proud 

'Oh but he is proud liz' 

Yeah... When you hear him saying 'well Andrew marrs back at work' 

He sits down to work and his stroke was like two years ago.. 

That's why I feel like I don't make anyone proud. 

But I try, I make myself proud but I don't want to be selfish.. 

My cousin james is working in China and my little sister is so good at reading that my nan and grandad basically bragged about them to dan when they met him. He realised it too 'they didn't say much about you babe' we laughed but inside I cried.. 

'All that matters is you liz' 

Well yeah but also how I come across to other people, I really can't think of anything worse than becoming this stuck up selfish and rude young woman, who's spent so long 'thinking about herself' that it would seem no one else mattered 

I tell myself that I am who I choose to become.. 

Sometimes that's hard because you get up days and down days.. 

That's common after a stroke, 

But the hardest part, one minute I'll be dancing and laughing with dan and an hour later I could be pushing him off me because 'I feel crap' 

As I write this I'm sitting listening to music  as I crave music now, I got so agitated yesterday because dan was watching TV while I was doing my makeup so I couldn't listen to music, I missed it.. 

I kept singing in my head all the songs I want to listen too. All the songs I listen to are from when if be out with mates, or getting ready, just to test my brain and see if I miraculously end up becoming a mathmatics genius (highly unlikely even when my brain remembered stuff) 

But I'll carry on fighting it.. 

I get little flash backs but nothing I really want to remember; random moments, 

Drinking , eating certain meals, sitting in my media classes at school, sitting in the school toilets bunking maths with Rosie being so scared we'd get caught, sitting on Laura's floor doing my makeup to go out in hernebay or whitstable on a Friday night. 

All stuff that doesn't matter and never did nor will.. 

I miss being the crazy one, the one who's say random stuff and be laughed at for saying the most outrageous things, none of which made sense.. To be honest I'd only say them to get attention. ( this is the only time I'll admit this) 

This is by far the longest blog post I've done, and I'm sorry for those who find reading tiring, my fingers aches and I'm definitely going to sleep well tonight.. 

What it feels like

So 'what's it like living life as a 21 year old stroke patient'...

Shit

Hell

Boring 

And confusing

You look around wondering who's the last person that looked at your dodgy arm or watched you wobble to your destination, 

I wonder how many people know what's happened to me...

I wonder who realises how hard everyday can be 

You never realise how hard something like this can be until it happens. 

'Oh hi I saw you in the newspaper' 

Yeah I regret that... 

I gave a nurse an hours lecture about strokes today, all I was there for was to have a blood test for an appointment I've got about my kidneys 

It started by the usual 

'Oh what happened to your arm'

Her pretend sympathetic face was priceless. I carried on by talking about strokes and why I had one.. 

She then decided to say she nearly had one but carried on by saying 'I still smoke though'  don't bullshit to me. 

I just laughed and went 'well I always said it would never happen to me and I nearly died so yeah haha'

But seriously though I'd give up the smoking... 

That was the first bit of advice I was gonna give this lady the second was 

' you know your body more than anyone and only you can tell when you're not right' 

She smiled, 'wow your mum must be a very proud lady you're so determined' 

'To be honest, I could sit there and feel sorry for myself constantly or do something to change it, I've been given a second chance at life I may aswell make the most of it' 

She smiled as I walked out.. Slowly... 

I then sat waiting for the bus home with the largest smile on my face. 

An ambulance passed me with the fast advert on it. Again I smiled 

'Yeah I survived that' 

Life's tough, 

showers take twice as long (means I get cleaner eh?) ;)

Walking up and down stairs takes even longer, so gutted if you're behind me while I walk up or down them... 

Staying awake is tough, I drift off so much the other day after an epileptic sezuire I started to drift off 'Liz wake up!' 

'I'm just resting my eyes...' 

I lay my clothes out on the end of my bed for the following day, everything has to be planned otherwise I get so stressed 

My bras are all broken cause I have to do them up before putting them over my head 

I can't have baths without someone helping me in or out or waiting for me incase I have a sezuire and drown. 

(Baths are rare... Now)

I can't walk down hills without my leg aching to the point where I nearly cry, subways are so tough.. I have to swing my leg forward in order for it to actually balance me on the ground 

Putting shoes on takes twice as long, my splint gets stuck. 

Where my leg gets no circulation as it's still kinda paralysed, every night my toes turn blue and itch. Until I put fluffy socks on 

 

The left side of my body slowly drops as the day goes on, so don't give me that ' Liz your coats falling off' I know... 

I can't take in conversations without getting confused or tired

Oh and I take over 12 tablets a day 

That's stroke life.... 

Who's next please?

Okay so I'm not gonna lie but for the first time I braved getting my blood tested on my own. As you sit there waiting for your number to appear, your fingers getting all tense and your brain going into over thinking mode 'what if I faint?' 'Will they know it's common for me it mean there's no point for me to stay in hospital' 

Slightly dreading the number appearing but slightly looking forward to your blood test to just be done and forgotten about 

I have the weirdest journey at Canterbury hospital 

'Hi Lizzie! How you doing?' 

Again I just smile, thinking...

' I don't want to know you but I do.. But I know you wouldn't like me if I hadn't had a stroke' 

The blood lady ( this is my nickname for them) could tell I was so scared she decided to ask what perfume I was wearing as she stuck the needle into my vein, quite a good conversation starter actually. 

I just put my headphones in and walk to the destination I'm expected at; Physio or  pathology if I'm lucky sometimes neurology. Infact that's a lie I hate my neurologist. 

You're stuck in a waiting room surrounded by people that are all thinking the same thing and sharing the same fears as you about getting your blood tested, that's rare.. 

But yet no one starts talking to one another we just swallow our emotions knowing it makes us more scared. 

So here's my turn 

'Who's next please'

And this time, it's me... 

'I don't need that anymore'

We all have 'clear outs' of our rooms, under our beds and wardrobes

Mine seems to be weekly, I ran out of hangers and realised it's mainly because everything i'd go clubbing in was hanging up just waiting to be worn again, all the dresses and short skirts, short enough to see my underwear if I bent over. Yep I was one of those girls... 

Unfortunately 

But here I am, putting those clothes in boxes and shoving them under my bed hopefully never to be worn again 

I've decided I have no need for the outfits I once 'loved' and the tiny skimpy blue dress that showed off the outline of my ass anymore, 

Why would I? 

Who would even take a second glance anymore. I don't need it 

Nor do I need to put my health under serious circumstances anymore 

You know for the first time in over a year I'm actually excited to find out how my kidney function is, because I haven't been binge drinking or partying till early hours every weekend. 

Yeah I was also one of those girls.... 

The

 'eurgh she has a boyfriend and her skirts so short' 

believe it or not, I behaved everytime.

There's a huge difference between those that go out to seek the single desperate guys and those who respect that their in a relationship and only wear what they've chosen to wear because it's in fashion. I liked to class myself as one of those girls

You have arms for a reason it's not hard to forcefully push the sleezy guy trying it on with you, away... 

Remember, you can get cold sores from kissing I mean who wants that? 

How many other desperate girls has that one guy kissed that night... 

So yeah long story short (well ish seeing as I basically told you everything...) 

From now on my health comes first, not any of these boring clubs that is always moan once I stepped foot in them because I had no air to breathe. Worming my way out to the smoking area getting repeatedly burnt by smokers just aiming to get air, that's the place I wanted to be... Not the dance floor that smells of puke and large girls/guys sweaty bodies and alcohol. 

I think the hardest thing about today was just looking back at the outfits and thinking

 ' oh my god did I actually wear that?!'... 

It shocked me, I mean one dress had holes on the hips so you could see my hip bones poking out, it looked awful.. 

A good clear outs better than hoarding crap you know you don't need. 

FAST

F- face 

A- arms

S- speech

T- time (to call 999) 

One of the most important and vital adverts/ life saving words you can hear. 

They say that the longer you leave someone I identified of any of these symptoms, the more of the brain that'll be affected. 

It's hard to identify and realise, I mean; 

You lay on your arm funny and you feel weak 

You try to eat and dribble and you think your mouths wonky

You have a night out and try to speak but your words can get mixed up (from the alcohol) 

I mean I never thought I'd have a stroke, I even laughed about it the day my face did start drooping, 'ha, what if I'm having a stroke' 

Then... Yeah lol, you know. 

The day my arm went numb

'Ha, what would you do if it stopped working' 

Then... Well yeah again. 

'Babe your necks pulsing' 

'Na it's not.. It's fine' 

When actually a blood clot was stuck in my neck probably aiming to travel to my brain even quicker than it did... 

'Chloe, I don't understand the uni work, can you help me' 

Severe pins and needles were rushing through my face down my left side

'Liz are you okay?!' 

Probably thinking (what is wrong with her?) while my face was just dropping Infront of her, so much so that I could feel  my left side failing. 

I remember walking (stumbling) home from uni that day, I thought I was just tired as we'd had a lecture that morning and I had work the day before.. 

That was it, my brain was failing and I didn't even realise till I had the stroke. 

 That's when all your memories of how your body was actually warning you comes back to the point where you just start to hate everyone around you and want to just scream with anger ripping off the sticky pads attached to your body in different places. And the blood pressure thermometer attached to your index finger. But you can't, you're to weak. 

'Just fucking get me out of here take me home' 

So this advert means more than you think and these warning signs can harm you more than you think. Remember you know your body more than you think, 

You feel odd? Don't ignore it. 

You get headaches? Don't ignore them. 

You walk wobbles? Don't ignore it. 

And if you get any of the Fast signs, then please don't ignore them. 

http://www.nhs.uk/actfast/pages/know-the-signs.aspx

new year, new start.

''oh not another one'' you're probably all thinking..
Mainly about the whole ''new year new start'' things people who actually change nothing normally post on facebook..


1. start thinking positively
2. be happy constantly.
3. recover more
4. less arguing (no arguing)
5. stop my unhealthy addiction of social media (it's just bullshitters, unhealthy binge drinkers, fake friends, a waste of time, no good for my brain, depressing oh and runs my phone battery down, ( no one wants that.)
6. walk more, no matter how; tired, ill, weak or 'not in the mood' I feel.
7. gain my memory back.
8. spend more time with family
9. look after myself ( no binge drinking, accept christmas, family parties and if Dan fancies a drink.
10. decide on going to Banstead ( if given the oppertunity)
11. Hope my dad wants to see me and keeps in contact on a regular basis.
12. appreciate my amazing boyfriend more.
13. go back to uni, or start a new course.
14. keep up with the regular tv shows; hollyoaks, made in chelsea, towie & any other shit itv decide to publicise.


Okay so when saying that list, it seems shorter. But in actual fact it's huge... Maybe the first 6 & number 12 apply more than anything ( only because i'll 100'% forget most of them & they're more)

number 14 was a pointless one, it's just so if I do make friends I have something interesting to talk
about.


If you want to contact me, you know my number as you'd be my true mate if you wanted to keep in contact.

Just to put it bluntly.
It's true, I have no time for time wasters or fake friends anymore...





inportant)