Walking life

I haven't written much about my walking because it's so natural to me now that I forget it was a struggle at first, don't get me wrong it still is..
Infact it's a bloody pain!
But I keep telling myself I've come so far,

I walk from the bus station to uni and around uni, my leg still 'hyper extends' but I'm used to it, I still wear the same afo, which Liam keeps having to fix because it's so old
(I know mum, you want me to get rid of it..)

It holds my ankle up as I've  still got drop foot..

It hides well (under leggings jeans and tights)
"I didn't even notice it!"
*another person 🙄*

"You can't even tell you've had a stroke, I just thought you'd broken your arm"

My leg swings when I get tired.. on the way to uni as I cross some traffic lights I get a glimpse of how I walk in the premier inn's windows.
I do praise myself when I walk towards it either about my weight loss or walking

Where I've been so busy with uni I haven't gone to the gym and I can notice how my knee is still weak,

I love walking and the benefits of getting around properly :)

"Everyone's feeling the same, don't worry.."

public speaking in front of a class full of students and tutors assessing you is different to talking to newspapers and in churches publicly,
I'd keep running through the double sided sheet of paper seeing if I could remember the words I had to read out,
"Are you okay? Do you need any help?
"No thank you I'm fine I'm working on being independent"
..
The speech starts, I held the paper in front of me and read loudly and clearly enough for people to hear,
The speech finished
"wow, well I'm not sure what to ask about"
Said my head tutor whom has seen me from the first day I asked to return to uni.

I still have learning support when I'm in lectures although I've come home so many times saying "I don't think I need them"
Mainly because sometimes it's nice to put your headphones in and get in with the work alone..

My memory is coming back I remember so much more, my fatigue has improved so much too,

It's sometimes hard to think quick enough to finish full scentences, I get so frustrated with if I feel like I'm behind.

I used to be the one saying "I'll start that next week" then before the deadline get so stressed that I hadn't done it.

I made goals for this second year and I feel like I'm achieving them
I'm not the lazy me anymore.. "I'm so tired my fatigue is so bad"

I'm the early one.

'thats life'

You see these articles about peoples amazing recovery and how they only spent two nights in hospital, us as stroke survivors class them as the 'lucky ones' who got out alive..

So here's a real stroke survivors story written by their own views and not by some journalist;
It's not all happiness and with a  quick recovery

Those not so lucky are left with a brain scan demonstrating how no one could of prevented what's happened, their left confused hurt bruised and stuck in this 'new body'
It takes days months and years to recover what I class as 'the main recovery'
Gaining your confidence and independence,
What's a life without the confidence to leave the house?
What's a life without independence to hold your head higher than you've ever held it?
showing that you're no where near as weak as people assume you are,

Everyday a stroke survivors brain is recovering, something as little as; smiling equally both sides, standing up without stumbling, walking to the kitchen without getting breathless, completeing a whole day without drifting off to sleep in the one part of a day they'll get a minute to themselves without the; questions, conversations and stares from those who can't accept you for who you have become.
Because that's the reality of life after a stroke, no one you had before will understand.
They'll always be confused of how to approach you, you're not the same person you once were,
You knew you were ill but held your head high and waited..

After a stroke it's difficult, difficult to face the public, you blame yourself for everything you may of done wrong,
"They looked at me funny"
* they hate me, do I look funny?*
We take those thoughts to bed every night because every stare we get can hurt.
However deep down in the disconnected nerves hidden under our skull we know it's just our brain injury, and 'that's life'

Life at first is full of comparing yourself to other people that for some reason you despise
But for what?
For living their life how you wish you could?
Forgetting the times you told people life was to short to walk around like you're taking advantage of the benefits of having a 'normal' life..

Sometimes asking "how does it feel?"
Upsetting and blaming the people that do support you,
Because truth is you just want a 'normal' life,
Stroke survivors slowly realise that there is no normal, nothing's perfect.
And 'that's life'

So that's my version of life after a stroke without the swear words I once used and without wishing I was normal
Because I'm back.
I live with a disability but I'm me.
It's up to you to accept that and if you can't then I'm fine with that.

Still recovering

I've been so busy with uni recently I've completely forgotten about my blog

We've been asked to decide what we might like to do after our degree..
"okay there are new briefs on the desk with some ideas"
*what the hell!*
I slowly walk to pick one up, hesitating with so many thoughts rushing through my head,
"But we've only just left year one, I'm still disabled.."
*lizzie calm down*
"Lizzie you can still work just breathe"

I hold the list up infront of me, numerous job titles ranging from graphic designer to a nerd?
"Okay now I need to pick one.."
"Right okay you've got to do a presentation and talk about the career you're interested in, find job interviews and companies that you might like to work for"
* bloody hell ive only just learnt to lift my arm*

We have so many different things to take in at uni, so many lectures talks and project briefs, my bags never been so full!

"Lizzie you look so well!"
*yay I look good*
"Thankyou, I feel like my confidence is coming back.."

It's so weird I'm starting to notice my own recovery,
It was going so fast at first, then it slowed down
I focused on my limbs coming back, completely forgetting that inside my brain there are so many nerves to re attach; confidence independence memory and multitasking
And so many more! The doctor was right when he said that your brain controls everything,

I hold myself a lot better, I used to look down hold my arm close and wrap up in huge coats almost looking shy and clearly unapproachable.

I've come across so many tasks and challenges throughout my recovery but this is probably the most exciting task after learning to stand and walk..

As well as uni chemotherapy is helping so much,
I had to many blood platelets something like 850!
Normal range is 100-400 anyone would fall over get that layer of yellow puss and then scan,
I bleed and within 5 minutes scab..
(Sorry for those reading this and eating)