Taking on everything

I feel like I've destroyed my mums life and ruined my own, as much as I try to smile and deal with everything that's wrong with me, inside it's the hardest thing.. 

'You're making me ill liz I can't live like this'

This is said to me on a daily basis but all I can do is just deal with everything, I mean, I hate what's happened to me and if I could I'd reverse back to before my stroke and 'look after myself' as my mum would say... 

But I can't, I'm stuck with the guilt of destroying what was a 

'perfect household' 

I feel I get the blame for so much now, I never used too.. I mean yeah, not 'doing my bit' but when you physically can't find the motivation to do anything, I want too.. I don't want to be stuck at home forever I want my independence back. 

I found it, and lost it quickly..

My hospital appointments are all lies; 

'You're recovering well' 

'Yeah I'm really good thankyou, I can walk thats the main thing' 

When it's shit, my leg aches and I walk in a wonky line.. And I have to wear a peice of plastic velcroed to my leg/ankle so it holds my ankle up. 

I used to love everything, I'd smile while bopping along to uni, and enjoy getting ready everyday just to make myself feel good.. Girls will understand as its a thing makeup does. 

I do love my life, I have the most amazing boyfriend but it's hard, I try so hard to show him I'm not weak and that I can be brave.. But I'm scared that if I become the old me he would run away like my ex did when I changed after my stroke. Trust is so hard, you either have it or you don't. 

I've lost all my friends.. I get shouted at for helping myself and unfollowing them on Twitter or facebook because I'd do anything to be like them, I'm so jealous.. 

I'd do anything to sit and chat about 'the weekend' or how 'that dress goes with those heels' 

I blame myself because if I'd of been 'good' and not spent my early years partying or experiencing clubbing I wouldn't wish I could do it again, I'd be a regular adult And just get on with my recovery. 

When I know I'm seeing my dad, I always get so nervous that I end up making up a lame excuse just to not go, I feel I have to impress him, don't ask why.. 

I've always done it, he's the one parent I don't see much but when I do I feel I need to be a different person. 

I'll spend hours getting ready and put the bravest face on throwing all these lines out about how amazing my strokes made me feel because I just want him to be proud 

'Oh but he is proud liz' 

Yeah... When you hear him saying 'well Andrew marrs back at work' 

He sits down to work and his stroke was like two years ago.. 

That's why I feel like I don't make anyone proud. 

But I try, I make myself proud but I don't want to be selfish.. 

My cousin james is working in China and my little sister is so good at reading that my nan and grandad basically bragged about them to dan when they met him. He realised it too 'they didn't say much about you babe' we laughed but inside I cried.. 

'All that matters is you liz' 

Well yeah but also how I come across to other people, I really can't think of anything worse than becoming this stuck up selfish and rude young woman, who's spent so long 'thinking about herself' that it would seem no one else mattered 

I tell myself that I am who I choose to become.. 

Sometimes that's hard because you get up days and down days.. 

That's common after a stroke, 

But the hardest part, one minute I'll be dancing and laughing with dan and an hour later I could be pushing him off me because 'I feel crap' 

As I write this I'm sitting listening to music  as I crave music now, I got so agitated yesterday because dan was watching TV while I was doing my makeup so I couldn't listen to music, I missed it.. 

I kept singing in my head all the songs I want to listen too. All the songs I listen to are from when if be out with mates, or getting ready, just to test my brain and see if I miraculously end up becoming a mathmatics genius (highly unlikely even when my brain remembered stuff) 

But I'll carry on fighting it.. 

I get little flash backs but nothing I really want to remember; random moments, 

Drinking , eating certain meals, sitting in my media classes at school, sitting in the school toilets bunking maths with Rosie being so scared we'd get caught, sitting on Laura's floor doing my makeup to go out in hernebay or whitstable on a Friday night. 

All stuff that doesn't matter and never did nor will.. 

I miss being the crazy one, the one who's say random stuff and be laughed at for saying the most outrageous things, none of which made sense.. To be honest I'd only say them to get attention. ( this is the only time I'll admit this) 

This is by far the longest blog post I've done, and I'm sorry for those who find reading tiring, my fingers aches and I'm definitely going to sleep well tonight..