On tuesday I over came a huge fear i've been having for months now, looking around Banstead, a rehabillitation centre that young people from the ages of 16-65 who've had serious brain injuries go to, to learn; how to be independent, how to live, how to talk, how to walk & do everything I learnt in hospital and when I first came home.
I looked on the website weeks before in preparation of knowing 'what to expect' however, you know they show all the miracle stories and talk to you as if it works wonders..
So I had high expectations..
I went with my step-dad as it would stop arguments between me & mum.
This took some of the strain off of the day.
I'd written two pages of questions I had to ask them, so I knew I had the most of my experience.
The lady basically quized me on; my stroke, what my goals are,what I wish to gain if they did fund me going here, and what I can already do.
She showed us around and as soon as I saw the first room (the gym) I felt so sick, it gave me the exact same feeling i'd get everytime I had physio in hospital, where you can't even smile because you just want to scream and get out of there. 'so this is our gym we have loads of different equiptment for different disabilities'..
'yeah it's, nice..'
in my head just repeatedly waiting to turn around and not have to stand there staring at all the same stuff I saw when I was being hoisted onto plinths and equipment to learn to walk..
I smiled.. We walked down a long corridoor, passing a few people that were staying at Banstead. Again I smiled. I was introduced but I honestly can't remember who they were, They couldn't; walk, talk, smile, move or basically do anything I could.
Thats when it hit me, 'You've actually come so far Lizzie'
and I would still be in a wheelchair had I of given up when I was first told about my stroke.
'You're right handed aren't you'
again.. 'yeah, ha!'
'well thats lucky'
umm... what the f*** do you reply?
she'd worked there for 10 years with young people who can't do much and she comes out with that..
as well as telling me I need Physio for my 'limp'
I looked straight at my stepdad and really sharply asked
''do I have a limp?! is it really bad?''
because you would wouldn't you...
I mean I've had to learn this 'walk/limp' and i'll be walking like it for the rest of my life...
so obviously I felt like slapping this lady.
Considering i'd had a full blown sezuire two days before that physically knocked me un-concious, I thought I walked quite well..
After walking down this corridoor we entereed a room that was where you'd be staying if I got accepted;
a sink, a bed, a hoist, a cupboard and places to put posters..
I smiled and replied
'do I not get showers? as I can shower myself'
'yes, only if you get accepted into the high independency flats which I think you would from what you've said so far..'
I smiled.
in my head thinking 'thank god, I actually get to be independent and leave here with what I came in for as an achievement.
She explained that nurses do all your; medication, food, bedroom cleaning and so on..
So I simply replied
'So Um, how would this bring my independence back exactly? as I do my own medication at home and the washing and stuff if my brain gets the motivation, i've spent the past two days just doing constant cleaning around the house just so I can gain more independence'
She looked so shocked..
So I smiled...
We then looked at; music rooms, art rooms, counselling rooms, television rooms and so on...
'wow sounds amazing' so many people that read this must be thinking...
Yeah IF you liked school and were in a rehab ward in hospital and enjoyed it.
But I however;
hated both.
and this place...
what do you reply when you hate somewhere but you get asked 'so, what did you think'
'oh yeah, was really nice...'
'you'd only be here for 6-12 weeks IF you get accepted'
in my head hoping I really don't get accepted, as I think it'd push me back rather than forward.
I sat in a room with; my stepdad, a pshycologist, a Physio, an OT and a speech and language therapist. Who all quized me as if I was in a job interview to fly to the moon.
So,
I quized them..
I asked them all my questions and if they could bring my arm/hand back.
I told them i'm leaving my university course as i've decided journalism & multimedia is more 'up my street'
(Sorry to those in my university class.. But I really don't want to be reminded of what I was like before by being in the same university course/campus.)
They were so shocked & asked me what I hoped to gain if I was accepted..
I said 'well, to be honest, not much. My brain will recover when it's ready and i'm happy how I am now, I've quit my job and i've faced bigger fears and I think all I need it help with my anger & anxiety..
For university i've arranged myself, to go to the open day and emailed the course leader explaining my situation, also asking if they have part-time courses to go on.
we've been in contact since and she'd supportive about how I apply ect...
For my emotional well being coming here would isolate me more and thats how I see it...
My stepdad interrupted
''She's walking much further than her Physio's ever assumed she would and she was discharged from the community physio's as they had nothing more to help her with'
I then said..
''I believe that if I can do it once, i'll be able to do it again'' and i've been telling myself this from day one, when I first got the bus on my own and went to a hospital appointment on my own.. this has carried on.
the OT:
'you go to hospital appointments on your own? and get the bus on your own?!'
'Yeah how else would i explore the world, i'm home alone everyday.. it'd be unfair to make my mum take me. and i'd gain no independence.
this place...
It's not for me,
I don't feel i'd gain anything and thats just how I feel, no one else has said anything to me.
So yeah give your opinion. But mines already made up.
I looked around it,
I created MY own opinion,
I gave MY views and I asked the questions I had.
which I was told to do...
Now i'm telling YOU how I feel and what I want. which hasn't been something I could do easily this past year..
By writing this blog post, I feel you'd understand more and take it in easier...
The end.
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