Mother's Day 2017

'Day release' (march 26th 2014) 
'My main request was to have loads of photos to remember how good the day was. I want to be able to look back and see how strong I've been. its hard to put on a brave smile when you're unable to control your body, but I did.  When I got back to the hospital I made sure I had one of me and Luke standing, I love that I can stand properly''

I'm writing this today sitting in a place I've walked too, a place I sit after I finish uni everyday..
My splint rubbing because I've grown out of it, my arm bent but loose, aware of it's changes as years have passed..
My smile as big as I can stretch my mouth (still recovering from my droop)
My bag on one shoulder full of books, a camera and other things..

I'm writing this today after visiting the place I used to dread.. 
the ward, 

I stood in a place I never thought I'd stand again..
''Day release'' a reflection of how I was and how I am now..

A time when....

I hated myself and everything my brain had done to me.
I  thought I was in a healthy relationship but was being controlled and used for them to 'look good'.
my leg would swing my knee would shake and my arm wouldn't stretch.
my confidence was as weak as my brain and my independence didn't exsist 

I stepped out to wait for the taxi and didn't even realise where I was until I looked ahead, 
The bench id been wheeled to when visitors came. 

As I looked down and the memory came back, the memory of being so excited to go out for the day and escape the ward after two months.
I smiled a real smile, a smile of strength confidence and independence,
It's mental to reflect, I always used to assume I'd never be able to look back, in fact when writing the day release blog I cried myself to sleep because I never thought I'd be where I am now.

I never thought I'd be at uni walking properly or even going to the gym let alone living with my fiancé.

Understanding

Something I really struggled with at university was taking notes, the filter to multitask was 'broken' I've had learning support assistants for two years helping me gain independence confidence and checking my epilepsy is stable enough to let me sit alone, also helping me hold my bags or put stuff away, if I'm honest they'd only tie my shoe laces as I like to be independent and teach myself..
Who wants an older woman following you around university helping you doing everything?
Not me anymore..

Recently as there has been cuts to learning support assistants I have decided to let those in really vulnerable conditions take my place those who need it, I've gained what I aimed to gain, I always wrote my own notes along side theirs..
my brain has adapted to something I really struggled with; note taking..

I now take my own notes and work independently, believe it or not
I've made friends, it's made me feel more confident with my disability because I've learnt to cope alone..
My grades are improving and that's something I'm proud of..

So let's complete the last year of university; my goal, my ambition and my future..

I recently signed the paper to become a student panel member, a 'job' that I now have,
As well as being a student course rep

Proving to those who think they 'can't' achieve realise they can..

I am Me

im who I am,

I may be 'the young girl who had the stroke'
But I am who I am, who I've chosen to create and become..

I spent years of my life regretting so much, blaming my brain for something that we've realised could not of been stopped or helped.

I've gone through ups and downs, my life is like a rollercoaster

I still get upset and hurt
But I refuse to let my stroke define who I am. I'm better than that.

I may walk different, my arm may be constantly bent against my stomach, it may flick out when I have sezuires. I may seem confused and may come across arrogant..
But I am me.

My brain may be struggling to connect however this is something I was told I would have to cope with.

My brain may be emotionally unstable, meaning I cry over the smallest things usually
Other people's problems
(Recently I broke down because I'd seen 24 hours in A&E and watched a lady have a stroke..)

I'm stronger than I ever have been, this could change..
anything can happen and I know that,
You learn to appreciate life for everything it brings.

I may suffer with epilepsy,
My kidneys may suffer if I'm ill
My brain may be too swollen to manage
My blood may be much thicker than anyone else's

But I'm still me,
I'm who I am and who I've become
I cope in my own ways

In the ways I've taught myself

But I am me.

Our Second visit

As I enter the ward I get this sense of unease, the door was closed. A lady in a wheelchair waiting to leave, to escape,  I remember my goal was to walk out of those doors, the nurses wheeled her back towards the beds, those uncomfortable blue mattresses with a function of being able to adjust the back, you can sit up or lay down,
How fun..
You're confined to these beds day in day out, watching the world go by, seeing people coming in and leaving you with a sense of loneliness, you question yourself
'why me?'
'Why can't I be the visitor?'

A man being guided by two physiotherapists walked out of the doors, so brave and so strong. His face lights up, his arm in a splint, when you have a stroke you get given some awful thing to keep your hand open.. so uncomfortable but all they can provide you with.
He swung his leg and looked to the physio, tried to speak and struggled as he couldn't.
All you can do is smile, he noticed my arm and looked at me..
you feel at home around other stroke survivors, you get the sense of 'normality'

He turned to the stair case on his left,
'Right leg up'..
The physio holds his functional arm,
He try's to lift his leg and step on the stairs, his own way..
How 'normal' people do it, how everyone else does, and how he probably did once apon a time.
'Right stop, not like that..'
He's so determined, trying to feel normal and probably  like his old self..

I walk through the doors with that heart dropping feeling, into the dayroom, somewhere I never wanted to go..
you feel like you just need to be in bed, your safe place, you're to tired to want to watch television, it took me a month to even look in a mirror at my face, to understand how I looked..
I could feel the face dropping but viewing the eye the mouth and the smile myself was harder than expected.
'Take it away!'
I hated my face at that point, now I'm used to it as it improves..

We all sit down, a physio smiles at me, he's lovely and he was the first person to teach me to stand.

'I have a family meeting at 3'
We sit down pitching our ideas for the mural..

*we can't go over the time*
I remembered how important family meetings were, you could be one step closer to going home to your normality. Recovering at your own pace.

I used the toilet that's off the long corridor attached to the wards,

Looking to my left I see the shower stools they use, I remember the first time I needed a wee in the stroke ward (probably day three) my mum wheeled me in, lifting me from the waist she held me as I sat down.. a high toilet that was so low to me at the time.
I remember her face as she looked at me watching me wee for the first time in years.

I still remember the nurses watching you shower, telling you how to wash and stand in the shower.

My day was so emotional but giving back to a ward that helped me is the best feeling.