Now it's about determination and motivation

I've always written about my stroke or 'accident/incident' as a test to test my ability to beat the tasks I've been set, as small as;

Making a cup of tea, walking upstairs, walking in public, thinking about myself, gaining confidence, talking about my emotions and so on..

I feel like I've passed the test of my ability to control these things and the main task of adapting to only having the use of one arm, people would tell me I'm really motivated and that i must be really determined..

Truth is I never was, i just aimed to make myself happy again and not suffer from what had happened to me.

I will always have different tests even opening a can of beans can be a struggle..

But you try and try and don't let your brain give up, you focus on what you've done and how you could be where you were,

I'm 'here' or 'there' as people would say 'you'll get there lizzie' 

Now I know where the destination was, a place that I thought was impossible to reach.. I mean at times I have really down days where I actually feel like screaming and thinking 'fuck this shit I really can't be bothered anymore, fucking stroke'

I tried and tried to accomplish my set 'tests' given to me by physio's and occupational therapists, it took a while..

I'm on my own now, it's about coping and dealing with life in the new way and most possible way I can with my adaptations.. 

I need strength determination and motivation to get up go and smile everyday till I feel really happy about where I've come; mentally and physically.

My neuropsychologist left just over a year ago but I've coped, I've tried as hard as I can to reach my goal of returning to university and finding things to do to pass the time.. 

Now I'll understand and possibly agree if you tell me I'm really motivated and determined because I never want this to define me or beat me. I've been weak and I'm not going back.

Getting on with life

'You need to accept what's happened to you Lizzie'

Words I never thought would actually be believable..

You wouldn't, not after you cant walk, use your arm and have no confidence whatsoever..

I'm over the milestone of feeling like I should create my 'new life' as the girl who suffered a stroke.

In hospital I would of written about 200 thank you cards for; support, kindness and just visiting me.. Helping me know that I have moral support and did have friends..

Now if I could I'd only write 5.

People couldn't and can't handle my brain injury, you can't express why you laugh to the point where you have stitches over the smallest thing.

You can't explain how you can't take in two things at once anymore and that you're walking fast because you're focused on one destination..

'Lizzie it's this way..'

You can't explain how no matter how many times you've walked that route but even a day Later you've forgotten the route you just know where you're headed..

I walk to the best of my ability, I don't need to think about it as much, unless I'm walking downstairs or I know the person I'm with wants me to speed up..

I get scared

'Am I walking really slow? Ha I'm so sorry I walk well slow'

( anxious smile) 

'Are you embarrassed about my arm? Cause I can hide it..'

Obviously everyone I first meet or actually know says.. 

'No course not don't be stupid it's who you are'

Because their scared to look at me and say 'a little bit..'

I can walk looking ahead now, 

'Liz you need to learn to look up when you walk'

Something my mum would say..

I only get brain freeze on the right side of my head, no idea why maybe because it's so affected but needs to process the freeze..

And no I can't feel when you poke me  anywhere on my left side..

You wake up with a numb arm and think it's the end of the world

'Oh my fucking god I can't feel my arm!'

My whole left side feels like that, or I should say 'doesn't feel but is like that'

'You honestly can't even tell Lizzie you look completely normal'

Yeah because you can't see what goes through my head..

The struggle of, 'does my arm look hidden enough under my jacket?'

'If I smile does my face look wonky'

'Is my lip liner high enough to cover my drooped smile..

as weird as this sounds..

Sometimes to check that my mouth is equal when I talk I have to reply to myself in the mirror saying 'no Lizzie what you're wearing shows that massive plastics thing strapped to your leg'

I hide it as much as I can to not embarrass who I'm with..

I smile when I'm extremely hurt because I know that I should be proud of how far come..

I think to myself everyday 

'This has made you so much stronger and you've done something that no one else could.'

"Lizzie you're really strong that person who's sighing behind you while they have to wait to walk downstairs really slow will never see you again"

I still panic..

It's who I am now, it's what my brains decided to become,

You either accept my faults and problems or leave my life and never try to enter it again,

It shows how weak you are to not accept someone with a brain injury as bad as mine..

Don't say sorry, just walk away.

'I don't know if I could do what you're doing'

You could.

No other way to put it,

When you're given a chance to prove what you're worth and have enough support from family and friends, you realise that you have things to live for; disabled or not..

You find yourself struggling a lot, but that's only a tiny set back and some things need to take you through a hard stage till it starts to get better..

You'll start seeing yourself improving slowly but surely..

Stay positive and keep yourself happy.

You'll start to turn your grumpy face into a smile; wonky or not..

You'll struggle through little setbacks and the amount of tablets you take a day will scare you at first, the way you start to view the smallest things like; waking up in the morning or even being able to say

'This is my life I've been given a second opportunity because I have something to live for..

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, 

Don't listen to the crap of 'you'll get where you want to be'

Because sometimes you fail and nothing will be perfect again,

To put it bluntly you'll never recover fully..

But you'll recover to how you want to, you could give up or just let it beat you,

But when you start doing that you then start to slow your recovery down..

It's fucking shit and makes you feel depressed but it's worth it when you learn to deal with the emotional set backs,

Everything's a test, take it as you only have this last chance to live..

Ignore the people in your head telling you that you'll never be 'normal' 

That 'you're failing'

You can't' you could be the fattest,laziest,grumpiest and not even motivated to carry on.

Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to get you anywhere and you'll just stop your brain remembering that you have something to live for,

You'll notice you're pushing away your family, friends and support group because all they hear or see you doing is moan..

Would you visit or want to be around someone who moans constantly?

Would you be around someone who you've told can get better but won't listen to you?

Your brain feels like it's not a part of your body but it is..

It's the strongest organ in your body, it's the reason you're still here..

Don't let the stroke become your life,

You're worth more than some idiot in your head trying to destroy your life..

Listen to upbeat music 

Listen to your family and friends 

You'll be this strange version of normal, but remember the person who you might of seen walking down the street thinking and wishing you were them is

'Perfect' this strange delusion in your head that there is such thing as perfect isn't true.

They might be suffering too..

You're more inclined to stop your brain recovering if you compare yourself to; how you used to be, how you should be, how people view you and how you want to be..

No ones perfect or normal.

I've done this on my own only with support

I've recovered for myself and my family, I'd say friends but people know that's going to be a lie.

I ignored everyone who said I'll never recover

I've recovered a lot..

I ignored my physios telling me I'll still be in a wheelchair until the start on 2016

I'm walking..

I ignored my psychologist telling me I wouldn't be ready for university till at least 2017

I'm starting in September..

I ignored the thoughts of ending my life to not have to go through the pain of this..

I'm still alive.

I've learnt to do what makes you happy and to not put a time limit on anything, it's about determination and motivation 

I've learnt that life's what you make it and you can either give up or try your best.

Things not to say to me;

"Will you make a full recovery?'

No.

My nan/grandad had a stroke, their fine now..

Were they paralysed?

You look fine and you can't even tell..

Shut up and realise that you can tell and no one is 'fine' everyone's hurting inside even if it's for the smallest thing.

'You're so brave'

I'm not, I'm just not going to let my family see me suffer because they wouldn't want me to go.

I'd still flinch if someone had a go at me, I'm not brave.

'How do you do it?'

I honestly have no idea, I'd say just take everyday as it comes and think of how you want to feel better again.

'Lizzie all you talk about is your stroke'

Yeah well duh.. It's been my main focus for over a year and people like you remind me of how I used to be...

These hurt more than anything. And you should think before you speak because everything I hear I take so seriously

My nights out have turned into receiving lectures from people who know me, numorous questions of if I need any help, sympathetic hugs and stares, patronising conversations.

I can't walk away from someone without knowing they'll turn to a friend all I'll be known as 

'You know she had a major stroke'

Yep cool..

Don't ever assume you know why me and Luke split up;

' I was so angry that he dumped you after you're stroke, was that why he did it?.. Cunt'

He had to watch me change and had to see me struggle through everything. He might not of been as supportive as my family but he walked away because he has to get on with his life.. You can only support someone so much..

We're civil and I respect him for leaving. It's given me the reason to recover for myself.

Don't judge anyone unless you know the truth..

You know, I never intended to be where I am now, because at one stage I thought it would be physically impossible.

At one stage I thought I was to weak and ruined to carry on..

My support 'network' meaning my family and anyone who's physically helped me, even by helping me walk up a flight of stairs..

Are the ones I remember, not the ones who patronise me and make me feel like a child.

So don't ruin my night out.

I smile as best as I can because I know I once couldn't.

I walk as fast as I can because I'm still aiming to be 'walking ahead'

Recovery is a life long process and I'll never forget that, I'll never attempt to give up again, because yes I have tried.

More than once.

Recovery is 'hard' once again..

'It must be so hard I couldn't do it'

Believe it or not., you could.. You struggle but you don't struggle forever.

My confidence is back and my independence is slowly returning,

I still struggle to do some things.. 

I'm myself to those who meet me, you either 

Hate me or love me. Simple as, there's not an in between..

My brains half on half off or 'shut down' but it's improving everyday,

Yes I'm proud. 

I'm  still as determined as the first day I took my first steps in the gym..

Yes I'm health conscious.

I have 5 serious illnesses that will never go.

Yes I have ups and downs.

Anyone would..

You recover for yourself and there's no time limit there's not a full recovery, you learn to adapt, you learn to cope.

For yourself and family. Because family is all that matters when you're going through a crisis.

Don't treat me like you understand, don't have a go at me if I say the wrong thing..

not unless you've actually taken the time to read about the type of stroke I had.

my head is a jungle

sorry for the pun for those who know this is a song..

You get so mixed up in thinking that you need to recover to become this 'better stronger and determined person' that your damaged hurt lost and confused brain has become..
It sounds really difficult to those who haven't experienced anything thats changed them.
for better or worse?..


You get so mixed up in emotions..
You know what i'm just gonna smile  & pretend i'm 'fine' that everything will be okay. Until you realise that when you smile through the challenges you had/have to come/face it starts to look fake.
People try to understand when you try to explain your bewildered 'story' 'accident' 'life'
'Urgh just look me up on google!'
but you can see in their faces that to themselves their thinking;
'this is to hard to imagine because it's so rare and unexpected..

You have a Seizure;
Yes because I have epilepsy (another one to add to the check lists of;
'so Elizabeth do you have any illnesses...'
'Blimey, you've had a tough time..'
'My smile appears, yep ha.. just gotta get on with life though'..
'It must be really hard.'
'nah, used to it.. got to do it.'

I wake up in random places after getting a 'deja vu' feeling that makes my arm twitch outwards..
You have faces looking over your head in a shock, a worrying puzzled and once again bewildered expression.. because once again their probably trying to understand what you're going through;
'suffering'
'dealing with'
'hurting over'
'putting up with'

I cry, I look up and feel so lost, I try to breath through it thinking;
'why me?'
'please stop brain, please just stop making me look like an idiot..'

But it carries on..
people around you who saw the 'seizure' decide it's an amazing idea to explain detail exactly what happened, leaving you feeling much worse and anxious.  It helps to explain what type it's like,
yeah because there are so many types of seizures..
are you unconcious?
are you hearing the surroundings?
how you convulsed laying on the floor after walking and just throwing your uncontrollable body to the ground..
this could happen; anywhere, anytime, any-day..
You try to push through the 'deja vu' feelings because you know that if you think to much into it every-time you get 'the feeling' it will bring one on..

'Lizzie, if you have one when i'm with you what do I do?'
I think 'shit' to myself thinking..
'Can this human stop me; biting my tongue, swallowing my tongue, cracking my head open, breaking a bone, dying?'

because thats what it comes down too...
trusting those who you surround yourself with..

'Elizabeth you shouldn't drink'
says my epilepsy nurse, pushing my shoulder and smiling saying
'I know it's hard because you're young...'

What if I had one when I was out drinking?
Meeting new people?
At uni, my first day?..

Would you trust people you'd only just met to save your life?

you wake up; scared, shocked, tired and distressed..
'Now Elizabeth should I call an ambulance?'
'NO, don't.. theirs people out their dying and suffering much worse things that need to be their.. I've been diagnosed, I live with it, I try to deal with it and I try to cope with it..

don't fuss over me, i'm fine,  I have to be, I have to cope, I have to  deal with the fears scares and damage on my brain..

It is what it is

Everyone's different in their own ways,

Even though mines much different than anyone else's ( in some cases) 

You learn to adapt, 

It is what it is and won't change, 

I know I'll never get over it nor will I forget about it, but I will learn to cope with it in my own way; I might not be able to walk how others do or use my arm, but I can still live as much of a normal life to anyone else in the world 

It's better to be different than the same as everyone else who's focusing on trying to be this strange version of normal we have in our heads.. 

What is normal?

It is what it is and my body is how it is, my arm sticks out and I wear a plastic splint to help me walk but there's much worse people out there, 

You just need to try to get as much back as you possibly can; 

For me that was stupid things like; clubbing, meeting new people, uni and  work..

Which I'm aiming for and some of which I've luckily been given a second chance to do. Maybe not the same as it was before but that's up to me to try to change because all you can do is try.

You either try or give up but if you give up what are you going to be doing? 

Nothing.. 

Living a life of misery and heartache wishing you tried, wishing you took the chance you once had.

I can't change it so accept me

I can't go back in time no matter how many times I listen to 

Sub focus - turn back time. 

It's my life, it's who I am and it's different to you lot. But you learn to accept it like I learn to deal with it. 

I had no choice and I've tried as hard as I can, you can't judge how long I've tried to wonder if I'll ever go back to being how I was.. But now I know I won't. 

So don't ask me if I'll recover fully because it pushes me back to stage one. 

Just face the crowd

My second holiday since my stroke or 'accident' as I've started calling it,

The first one was about 7 months after, I remember clenching onto the airplane arm rest taking in deep breaths, then the tears started streaming down my face as I looked at my mum and said 'what if I have another stroke when we're in the air?!?!' 

'Liz, you're on all the right medications'

I remember waddling around, with a 'drop foot' that was so bad I was falling all over the place, and trying so hard to smile in photos but realising my face was still drooped..

This time, I watched the airplane take off, smiling and feeling like I was leaving a place I dread so much. Sometimes... 

I walked to the terminal which on the last holiday I struggled with.

Today I fell onto my ankle as I wasn't wearing my splint ( the massive plastic thing I can't walk without).

'Oh hello Madame you have hurt your leg yes?' 

'Oh yeah I fell over and broke my arm and leg'

Mum smiled.. 'I thought it's easier than having to explain all about a stroke..' 

Mum smiled.

I realised I can't tan anymore, maybe because I stayed in my house for the first year of my recovery, or perhaps because of the amount of medication I take.. 

I've learnt so many things that I'll learn  to adapt too

I've watched people walk around the pool and swimming, I've watched them walking along the sand; bumps and wonky parts of the sand holes.

Something I really struggle with..

I try to look at them and think 'make the most of that because it could be gone before you know it'

Then I think 

'Lizzie you've come so far and you should be proud of what you can do , not upsetting yourself over things you can't.

Every day is a new experience for me and every day I've learnt something I can't do.. But I know it'll improve