I'm still the girl...

I'm still the girl that gets questions..
''So how far are you into your recovery?''

theres no percentage on recovery, and i certainly don't want to put one on it..

I'm still the girl;
 the girl that trips over her feet when walking
the girl that gets weekly blood tests to check her blood range
the girl that takes 10 tablets a day to keep her healthy and alive
the girl that hides her arm incase it sticks out and people stare
the girl that falls over when trying to step over something
the girl that tries to hard to get back to normality
the girl who is refused physio because she's 'too far' into her recovery
the girl who struggles with remembering simple things
the girl who's smile is slightly slanted
the girl who's brain is trying to connect everyday
the girl who gets her words mixed up
the girl who can't go back to work...

I'm always recovering and I'm always going to be 'that girl'

I still get flashbacks from the night of my stroke, anyone would..

People tell me to 'move on and get over it'

How can you get over something thats damaged you and changed everything in your life, body mind and soul...

''How are you finding it Lizzie?''

*mouth opens wide, a deep breath of air inhales into lungs..*
*Come on Lizzie you can do this, don't keep telling your fatigue it's winning... please*
*okay brain, shut up lets go*

As I lift my left arm into my coat hoping I've chosen the right one
*what if it rains??, oh wait you've got a hood its cool.*
*no seriously brain you're making me tired*..
I check I've got everything;
drink (with enough sugar to stop me fainting)
tablets ( because lets face it, you need those 9 evening tablets to keep you sane)
epilepsy card (because no one seems to have a clue what the recovery position is..)
* shit lizzie, what if you have a huge seizure, i mean you haven't had one for ages but remember you've never done a long day like this*
*right Lizzie, you're anxiety needs to leave. its an incurable illness, so.. deal with it.*

My left leg steps forward to the door;
my right leg follows as I shut the door behind me I look to the top of my long narrow road..
I make my escape from a place i spent a year sitting in.. ( I walk to uni)

It takes me 10 minutes, with a few set backs by a second with the crossroads on old dover road..
you know, opposite the college?.

I always check my reflection from the side in windows as I wander past, checking I'm walking okay
Telling myself constantly that I walk perfectly normal, just with this strange bulge on my left calf, where my AFO splint holds up my slowly improving drop foot..
Making people probably wonder if I've broken my ankle..

I hold my arm against my stomach, under my coat, sometimes letting go ( on the sly) to see if its resting by my side enough to let go..
*Liz, you're hands showing, the slightly clenched fist*
*Yeah and what? I've had my nails done..*

I walk holding my head high, sometimes if I don't tighten my splint tight enough I trip a bit but I walk okay other than that set back.. I hide the trip well



*okay Lizzie people won't read this..*



I got to the coach ready for my 7 hour uni trip in London.
Wondering if its a good idea.

I'm on the coach now, its left, everyones ready..

''okay guys fill in your health declaration forms please''

so I did as I think its probably for the best..

1 hour, no naps later..

''were meeting here at 7''

We wander to brick lane, slight detour to find the sights of where jack the rippers victims were found..

As we reach brick lane we head straight to the bagel shop..

arm flicks out, eyes roll to the left and you get anxious
*oh my god Lizzie, you've just had an absent seizure*

Carry on to spitalfields..

My feet ache and my blisters are throbbing,

as people walk fast past me some nudging some avoiding us, I walk as fast as I can to catch up with everyone,

2 hours later 
two blisters and about 20 absent seizures..

We reach white chapel gallery to watch some guy (Lance Wyman) do a ''talk''
for 2 hours!!.

head starts rolling forward, eyes get tired and a headache kicks in..

*Lizzie you had a free drink, why didn't you get alcohol? urr because i'd be drunk?*

''Okay thats my lecture done''

*bloody hell, thank god!*


The stairs down had about three flights and I'm still walking one step at a time..
The traffic jam builds up behind me..

We leave London, and arrive to Canterbury at 11.


Second uni trip done!
my fatigue isn't even that bad today..

Achieving my goal

When I suffered with my stroke I had only been in my first year of university for three months, enough time to finish one project and essay, I then left year one to recover from my stroke as I was to Ill to return for year one and two that year..

I spent months focusing  my neuropsychologist meetings on; gaining memory, working on confidence, Getting my life back on track, learning to live life as close as I did before in my new body and half a brain..

'Will I be able to go back to university in September?'
'No Lizzie you definitely won't return for years, I'd say about 2017, you need to recover'
*tears stream down my cheeks, as I wipe them away focusing on how far I've come; walking, learning and so on..*

My life turned into goals and tasks and this was before university this was my recovery and how I would achieve my recovery goals..

'Elizabeth we'd like to know if you're returning to university as your place is open but you'd retake year one'

'Mum, I'll be the oldest and no one I know will be there'
'Liz, you'll make friends along the way..'

I started year one on September 4th 2015 (just over a year since my stroke)
If that's not an achievement I don't know what is,

I had already passed the first project luckily because trying to relearn it was harder than expected, I chose on my own to throw myself in the deep end and finish what I once started, I was determined in my mind to push myself and test my body, I now listen to my body if it gets tired or aches as that's when I need to slow down.

'Lizzie the walking to from and around university might be to much'
*come on legs you can do this, finish the work and walk where you need to, you learnt to walk and aimed to achieve university.*
My brain accepts this challenge from Monday-Friday 10-4

I've finished two projects, one essay I've got to start but it will be in on time, one of my projects was displayed on the graphics wall for everyone to view, I try out illustration styles with my work as graphic style is a lot more complicated and I never got the hang of Photoshop and all that..

I've handed the projects in, had them checked and managed to keep up..

My fatigue is getting better as I in myself am getting stronger.

'Elizabeth I'm going to discharge you as you are on track with your goals and your memory has improved'
Said my neuropsychologist, I smiled..

This year ends in May, then onto year two..
I've beaten a goal and finally tried out something new

My achievement will stay with me forever and the best part is it'll only get better..

two year mark

''Now Liz i'm not saying it's going to be easy, but its going to be worth it''

*Mum i'm scared, I hate my life*
''Liz, this too shall pass''

The past two years have gone faster than anyone assumed from the start, I never thought something I found so devastating could have given me such good opportunities and accomplish so much more with my life;

my first and main goal was walking.
I now walk as much as I can. still with an AFO splint but i'm able to control my balance and much more, it'll only get stronger..

My second goal;
get my life back on track.
Obviously with many alterations, I knew i'd need to change a lot of things that I used to do.

Return to university;
This is the biggest part of my recovery (to me) and to those whom saw me everyday and realised I had nothing to talk about or do with my days..
They accepted me to return to first year, i've completed half of the year, my work has been hung on the graphics studio wall for everyone to view (this has never happened to me before) I feel like all the hard work has paid off and just like walking; will only get better...

get over everything thats happened;
I mean you can't get over everything, people would say I was boring and won't ever make new friends because of how I was still hurt by my stroke.
I can now wake up on a bad day and do simple things like walk upstairs without the railing in my hand *Lizzie you couldn't do this at the start*
the sides of my lips raise to show a smile repeatedly sending happy signals to my brain.

my favourite part of recovery;
reflecting on every time I doubted myself and felt like giving up. Looking back at how many fake friends I lost and how many real friends i've gained.
the whole experience of recovery is odd, You'll always have down days and happy days as your body and brain is still connecting to emotions.
proving people wrong is my main achievement. I still remember looking a physio in the eye in hospital;
''Will I ever walk again??''
*please say yes.*
''Well you'll be in a wheelchair for a long time maybe a couple of years?...''



My stroke is the; worst weirdest but somewhat happiest moment so far..
I mean i'm still young in my brain so really ''happiest moment in my life''


I read back on these blog posts and can see improvements; spelling, less swearing, a happier person and a person who is more in control of her life.



I've learnt you get thrown some of the worst things in life and go through struggles daily, everyones different but you get up and go.



My two year story and many more to come...

next year i'll be stronger;

*Just think in 6 months you'll be stronger* a tiny piece of paper with my nans fancy writing left on my hospital bed after a hard physio session..

She was right.


and so was my mum

Messing with my head..

'Lizzie you do know I'm leaving at the end of the month don't you?'

My throat warms up as I try to swallow it tingles as if I'm going to burst into tears, my eyes start to twitch as I prevent the tears incase they think I'm as insane as i seem...

'No I didn't know'

I respond like I don't care, like I'm just over it and not hurt or feeling anxious of a replacement 

My mind all confused and jumbled already with;

'Not another one'

'What if they don't understand my problems'

'What if they can't help me'

Since the first month of my recovery I've had people walk into my life.. My damaged life, my healing brain..

'Liz it's normal it happens'

'I know mum but I get attached'

You've helped me for a short period of time during a long journey of recovery.. 

'They gain experience and move on'..

My lip shakes and my heart sinks..

'BUT I DONT WANT TO BE AN EXPERIENCE!'

I have stronger feelings and a brain that clings onto people, you can't just enter and leave my life without leaving scars and tears, you become a distant memory always playing on my healing brain..

My learning support assistant is leaving, just like occupational therapists and physios, they've helped me at times I struggled but leave like I can just 'get over it'

I know I will but I'm used to it now... 

Onto  the next one...

Getting on with life..

As you can tell, it's been a while since I wrote a blog post so here's why;

I didn't think my recovery would get any better as I didn't see any changes for months, I heard it would slow down but never thought it would be as slow as it was,

Binging on alcohol when I went drinking after massive relationship break ups and damaging my body even more, I finally discovered a new start..

Meeting stroke survivors who had tried and motivated themselves to recover to their best ability.

I sat on my own everyday at home unable to join university within the first few months of my stroke due to the fatigue and memory problems also walking..

I was determined to go back and try to reconnect my brain, in the struggle of the ups and downs harsh comments from neuropsychologists telling me they still thought it was 'too soon'

I took my own mindsets decision in doing what I wanted, I was so sick of hearing people telling me what to do, assuming they knew me inside and out..

I returned to university in September 2015, to start my future and my journey also to watch the dramatic recovery start; retraining my brain to learn, listen, be motivated, sit still, walk more, eat healthy in order to let my body discover new ways of living..

Meeting people, becoming polite, positive and stronger than I ever have been..

I've started the first proper module and handed it in, in time for the deadline

I've started my second essay and second project due to the stress I cause myself if I'm behind or struggling.. 

I write my own notes, I've seen myself go to uni at 10am and leave by 12; yawning napping a lot, headaches and crying over stress of not thinking I'm ready.

To; working above targets, speaking aloud in lectures, communicating with strangers and peers to sitting and walking around uni from 10-5 (we finish at 4) I've noticed how happy I am when I come home from just doing something with my day instead of feeling sorry for myself.

Your body can change in a matter of days months and weeks.. 

Just like your life. 

When you put your mind to achieving you can beat anything. 

Be motivated, stay positive and focus on the future. 

At new year my boyfriend at the time proposed to me, so I guess I can call him my fiancé. 

For now; I've started a 'detox' for my body, no Facebook, not as many takeaways, drinking water instead of Coke and doing my exercises and walking more.

My first trip..

Today I had my first uni trip with my new brain and everything..

I woke up early so anxious about how I'd cope; walking around London, a museum and getting home..

'Ouch! Please slow down, I'm so tired'

I mumbled to my teachers..

My splint rubbing my arm sticking out and my shoes turning in at each side. 

I wore an arm splint just so people will realise I have something wrong with my arm..

'I'm just going to the toilet..'

I wobbled down the train as it moved, gripping as tight as I possibly could, digging my nails into the train handles, feeling the blue yellow and black padded striped cushions drift past my fingers.

'Oh shit, sorry!'

The train edged to the left leaving me balancing on a leg that's weak and having no arm to grip on to the chair, 

I managed to fall into a guy in my class, 'i'm really sorry I'm really uneasy on transport and my feet'

I then carried on to use the loo, gripping the hand rail used for support for wheelchair users or elderly people or me..

I finally reached the chair, struggling to grip seats on the way back. 

Waterloo east..

Walking to the imperial war museum, through the hustle and bustle of London streets, crossing busy road and turning sharp corners we reached our destination 

'I'm just going to sit down, I'm sorry I'm so tired'

We walked around the First World War and Second World War exhibitions, 

The Second World War made me cry, I honestly think it was about the fact I had to sit down 10 times during the walk through, as well as watching videos and viewing pictures of the suffering.

As I reached the end I finally ate, my blood sugar so low that little white dots were taking over my eyes, my hand shaking like a nervous person, my leg clonus going insane making my whole body wobble.

'I'm sorry, I get like this when I need sugar'

I ate feeling fine I carried on.. 

One step at a time;

Holding the right hand side rail I stepped down 4 flights of stairs to the bottom floor..

People rushing past me and nudging my shoulder..

I got to exhaustion and needed to get home. 

Walking as fast as I could to the train, missing it by a minute. 

My head spinning and my sugar getting low, everyone's silhouettes spinning around in my view, my eyes throbbing and my hand itchy from my splint rubbing ..

Then changing platforms, 

'Excuse me please could I sit down'

'Urgh okay!' The fat old lady grumbled under her breath

'Thank you so much'

As she walked away analysing why I needed a seat so bad, making me feel guilty.. 

I could Hear my nans voice in my head saying 'Liz you shouldn't feel guilty you need to sit down'

As I sat watching everyone take their journey home from a long day at work, I overheard a mans music 

'Bitter sweet symphony' you know the song with the strings playing.. 

That made me smile. 

The whole day spent realising just how much my stroke has affected me; mentally and physically.. 

In my head knowing that everyone will be saying 

'But Liz, you did it..' 

Excited to reach Canterbury west and just grab Liam or my mum, to lay my head on my pillow to sleep..

Then for tomorrow to start and for more realisations of just how much my stroke has damaged me.