You've done this before..

It might be year three nerves, it might be my confidence..

*Lizzie you're fine, just be loud and clear*

On the day..
"I just realised normally when I do presentations it's about myself"
When I read a presentation I write a script that I can read from as I still struggle to remember something's..

We had our dissertation proposal yesterday and it's something like 10% of our final grade
(No pressure)

Before I stood up my sugar level dropped to the point where my friend had to give me about 5 Oreos..

I've always struggled with my sugar levels and yes I have probably been tested for diabetes at some point.

Anyway
As I stood up to present but my nerves kind of got the better of me,

I talk so fast in general and I was told to slow down but it just blurted out of my mouth..

I held my head high in preparation to seem as if I knew what I had researched

Like I said this time it wasn't about myself/my stroke so it was very difficult to know every bit of detail.

"Don't die of ignorance"
Those alive in the 1980's may remember this campaign..

(I hope anyway)
It's about AIDS and how to prevent it..

I showed an advert that I thought would give me an opportunity to calm my nerves, definetly didn't work, I just found myself miming the words to it
Keen?

Nope just really intrigued by the whole subject matter.

Dear Diary..

Dear diary
Today I learnt to stand, balance and brush my hair all using one hand! My OT says I might be able to go home, they just need to talk to my doctor.. I can't wait! I'm so excited to be at home where I belong..

Dear Diary
Today I found a notebook full of diary posts written by myself three years ago, lists of things I could and couldn't do, I read several sentences that expressed my happiness and excitement to return home, now a place I call my mums, now a list of reflection and positivity.
My world is different, surrounded by different things such as; feelings, confidence and much more, so much more that it would take days to write and I wouldn't want to bore you all with that..



" I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax,and stop trying to hold on to it, and it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude" *American Beauty - 1999*

Hello it's lovely to meet you..

My name is Elizabeth Ashmore..

Today I experienced a student panel, I was the only student, our 'job' was to question architectures brief and check they were satisfying students with their teaching skills..

The nerves were bad until I started..
*oh no there's stairs*
"Excuse me.. could you take the lift with me please?"

No one asked me what had happened, I'm still slow on stairs because my knee is weak, I find it slightly embarrassing but only because I'm young and walk downstairs like an older person..

I had a really nice day, chatting to different people and coping without learning support..

It was my day, no one could tell me what to do.

It may define me..

But it's no longer my life..

2014 - I hated every piece of my body, from my appearance to my brain (who had never actually done anything wrong)

2015 - Unhealthy relationships and loosing people who I was once dependant on,
I needed a change, to achieve something and have something to work towards ( I started university)

2016 - A very positive year, one to reflect on forever, I became engaged and moved into my own place ( with Liam) I also finished my first year of university..

2017 - where am I now?

I'm currently near finishing my second year at uni, I no longer hate my body, it may have its flaws and may be different..

Social media - a MASSIVE problem, (mainly to all stroke survivors)..

You reflect on someone you will never be again.. you assume people who want to be in your life via a friend request are your 'best friends' (when really they only want to stalk you)

you end up researching EVERYTHING
"will my arm work again?"
"will I ever be normal again?"
"how to recover fully after a stroke"
*stop brain stop*

You can't resit the temptation of finding out a load of *bullshit* from google..
No one is ever going to be the same as before after a stroke or brain injury..

and thats life..

Ive learnt to have a break from; Instagram, twitter and I haven't had Facebook for over two years..

My stroke is not my life, but to some it defines me (those who helped me along the way.. mainly nurses) I'm the "young girl who had the stroke"

You need to accept that you can never change or predict your future you just need to live in the present.

This is my life,
that was the past and i'm only aiming towards the future
I am the present.

I am Elizabeth George Ashmore
(forgetting the -Fish) sorry nan and grandad..

I suffer a stroke, but I have accepted that.

My disability doesn't stop me..

I currently live with 5 illnesses;
Nephrotic syndrome
Epilepsy
essential thrombocythemia
Benign intracranial hypertension
And stroke..

I have paralysis down my left side; affecting my left hand ankle and toes mainly.

I never let them stop me doing what I want, if that's from clubbing, drinking and anything else 23 year olds do,

After my stroke I was so hurt and ashamed of how I looked, what I couldn't do and how I was affected.. if I'd let that take over then where would I be now?

I'd be looking at a depressed anxious young woman who gave up on a chance to live her life..

I admire those who don't give up,
Young and old..

A girl goes to my gym who's blind, she never moans and doesn't give up.
Most of my goals have been achieved and I am still creating more..

Disability affects over 6.9 million people in the U.K..

I have down days and up days but I'm on a rollercoaster aiming higher everyday.

Was that your left arm?

ive always been able to use my arm, kind of anyway..
It just had a lot of 'tone' meaning it's stiff and will take a while,
Obviously my hand isn't functional but it loosens more than normal,

The other day I was casually sitting there, you know in the sun..
There was actually no reason to move it I think it just wanted to show off.
'Liz!'
*oh god, what now?!*
'Yes...'
'Your arm'
*yeah thanks Liam I'm perfectly aware that it doesn't do anything..*

I looked down and it's just resting on the table, this time I didn't lift it with my other hand or physically place it their, like I used too..
How weird is that?
I 'used' too.
Don't get me wrong it still stays bent across my stomach as it is stiff but this time I felt like a new milestone was achieved.

So dear brain;
You're achieving things you'd never imagine..
Overcoming things you once struggled to do.
Turning a new leaf and exploring new pathways.

Slow but steady wins the race..

Recovering from a stroke drains every last bit of your energy, making day to day tasks seem a struggle..
As time goes on you realise you have to accept your flaws and what you are incapable of doing, this version of 'normal' everyone recovering wants to be, needs to be forgotten..

You learn that this version of 'normal' and trying to be who you were, is impossible and stupid.

You tried so hard to be something that you will never ever be again,
I learnt that's a good thing..

Your recovery slows down, you knew that it would
But you chose not to accept the reality of recovery

You realise that you can only accept what your brain tries to learn and accept how it's getting exhausted
Exhausted of you constantly pushing it too hard to become your strange version of 'normal'

If everyone was the same
The world would be boring..

Then it hits you, infact your brain realises that you finally just need to recover.

You may be left heartbroken; upset and hurt, full of angry emotions that you feel will never go.
But they do, they just disappear, the memories of everything that happened becomes a distant memory, still there but not on your mind constantly.
Learn to love yourself..

The accusations of hating your brain do stop, you can't change what's happened you can only recover.
And this time no doctors nurses or consultants can tell you how far you will go.

Because at first you're stuck in a mind of confusion

But it gets better
You can recover at your own pace

Because
Slow but steady wins the race - consistent, effective effort leads to success..