I'm fucking terrified.

It's been my main goal to return to uni and I make out that I'm excited, I am but

It scares me,

I've had disability meetings about;

What help I'll need

How they can support me

What I'll need to re-do and when to start the work

What if on the first day I walk through the doors and cry? 

I look around the class I'll be with for three years and hate them all?

I don't make friends because I'm disabled?

People laugh at me?

I can't walk in thinking in the best because I've completed some of first year already, I'll have some random sitting with me every fucking day.

Checking MY work

Walking round carrying my stuff..

Sounds really good to some people but thinking of getting even more stares makes me want to cry.

I can't even imagine if I have to stand up and talk in front of everyone..

What if my speech goes funny? What if I have a seizure?

Can I trust the random class of people to help me and to understand what's happening?

I'll miss just walking into class and sitting down like everyone else.

'Liz you'll adjust to it it'll get better'

What if it doesn't 

What if I fail..

£9,000 wasted.

People might read this and assume I'm not ready or it's too soon.

I'm not going to say you're wrong, it might be..

I just want and wanted to prove it can and will do whatever it takes to get my life back.

Support me don't judge me.

What it's like to have a major stroke inside and out

This is a blog post to explain everything.

if I could explain it in two words it would be

Fucking shit.

No one prepares you for the coming home struggles;

 the adaptations

loosing all your friends

 depression

 confusion

 patronising comments and conversations

 lectures on how to do things

 hugs of sympathy

 crying randomers

old people making friends with you

people comparing your stroke to a family members thinking it will help.

People laughing staring and pointing

Loosing a body part

Physios and ot's in hospital prepare you for nothing helpful.

You leave hospital thinking it's going to be so much fun not working or being stressed.

You then reach your 'goal', home.

You cry and can't adjust to being where you thought would be amazing..

Then you start recovery. No recovering unless you get help.

They don't tell you that everything will be hard, 

Slipping in the shower

Not being able to get into a bath

Being to tired to function

Tripping over stupid things

Oh and then you see your best mates for the first time out of hospital,

Don't expect sympathy, everyone assumes you're back to normal.

They get confused..

You get hurt 

They leave..

Then you're left with fuck all.

Wondering why they'd gone.

Oh then there's the crying before you step out your front door, when you can walk and you're allowed.

You cry scream and wish you could walk like everyone else

Everyday

Every night 

Every minute hour and second you wonder

'Why me?!'

'What did I do?!'

'Can I just end it all now?!'

Then you get the rude comments.

'You know you'd be  liked if the stroke wasn't your life'

Fuck off. 

It's with me forever and it's hard.

Then there's the medication;

13 tablets a day

 4 blood tests a month

 6 doctors appointments a month

 28 days of headaches and upset.

I've never really told anyone all of this because I thought you'd all realise but then I remembered it's not happened to you.

My family know because they watched me go through it.

Don't read this and email me saying that I should speak to someone, because it's happened and it's rude.

I don't need to think anymore

i used to have to think about everything I was doing; walking and the technique of bending and straightening my leg so that I looked like everyone else..
I used to have to think about how people were talking to or at me.. Taking in their emotions and struggling to understand how to reply.
I used to think about what I'd done a day before or how to respond to people when they say 'hi you okay?!' Now I just respond and talk..

My brains still recovering and I have to think sometimes of strategies of doing stuff..
We went on a boat tour last week and before we'd left the house I'd started to plan how I was going to get in and out of the boat throughout the boat tour I was thinking of how to get off the boat safely..
I managed it but I have simple things to take into account that I don't want to fail when trying to do it..
Even crossing a road incase I don't get across fast enough.

I write my blogs now without thinking into depth of words and language to use that explain how I feel..
I write more fluent from what is coming from my heart and head.

It's taken a while and I'll still be thinking for the rest of my life but it's improving slowly as time goes on...

My hidden disability

Despite the fact my arm doesn't work and I walk slower doesn't show my true disability..

I'm classed as disabled for the top reasons..

But what they don't take into account is;
How I forget everything
How I struggle to process any emotions
How I misinterpret the way people treat or talk to me
How I struggle to multi task, making life harder to get things done quicker
How I struggle with mild anxiety and depression,.
I mean everyone gets "down days" yeah we get and understand you feel "upset" why? Because you've got no money?..
Mines different, mine can cause me to physically try to kill myself, feeling like I've not achieved anything at all.
Feeling like I'm useless in the world
Feeling asif I get judged and laughed at.
The thoughts do go away but at the point of the thoughts being there, it's like nothing can stop you feeling better,
The fact that I can't smile everyday, not because I'm unhappy but because I struggle with many things..


Behind closed doors;
I still sit on a stool in the shower
I still can't cut food up or make meals for myself if it means I stand for long periods of time





Flashing lights and long nights;
I go clubbing, seems like I have an amazing time, everyone's nights out seem so good..
Photos, alcohol, friends, music and dressing up to look good..

As I walk into a pub or club I have to physically process everything that I'll be feeling while I'm in there, people you're with plan the night, everywhere you're going to go. I have to research the clubs;
Are there stairs?...
"I mean what if the toilets are upstairs?"
Are there loads of strobe lights?
Are there seats in the club?...
" I can't stand for too long so I'll need to sit down."
What time does it open and close?...
"Will my friends want to stay all night?!"
Are there security and bouncers?..
"If I collapse would they know what to do?"
I Research on if anyone's been spiked or hurt near the club..
What I've leave the bar and someone follows me aiming to spike me, because I look vulnerable and confused?..
"She looks up for it"

I keep dancing on my own.

All thoughts that I didn't have before my stroke, not because of knowing the clubs but because now I'm different I need to look after myself.
I know what you're thinking.. "Well clubbing and drinking isn't exactly looking after yourself"

I look up the clubs photos to see if the club gets busy, wondering if I'll get pushed and shoved.

When in the club it's fine,
I mean everyone gets worked up. Don't they? Is that normal?..

You wait at the bar after strutting in trying to act like your mates, holding your head as high as you can.. Pretending you're not smiling at people checking you out.
"Can they see my splint?!"
"Can they see my arm?"


You get your drink and edge and push your way out the ques of people waiting to drink and binge on alcohol, frowning at those who make you spill the drink and wobble and down respect that I can't balance on one leg..

You see your mates dance to the dance floor that's full of young girls showing thighs legs and boobs. "do I look stupid cause I'm not like that?"
They dance and twirl around dropping to the floor and jumping around..
"Lizzie come dance"
Urgh  get off my arm, I can't move like that..
"If I sit down will they think I'm boring?!"

I get headaches and tired, it's the fact I need to take in so much and get over the grief of how I used to just get up and dance while holding two drinks
 like the girls I'm sitting in the corner staring at.

I then massage my calf where my splint rubs and sit back downing my drink looking as normal as I can trying to fit in.



You might not see my hidden disabilities but I feel them everyday and they haunt me every night.


Im still at the stages of trying to look normal and act like everyone else, I take photos to document how in a weird way I'm having the best time, how I look good to fit in and still look slightly attractive.
I remember my 21st when my old mates left me in the street because I couldn't be bothered to walk back up stairs to watch them dance.

I remember when my ex stopped me going out because I was going to cheat..

Make the most of the nights out Lizzie..
You used to go out all the time.

Now it's about determination and motivation

I've always written about my stroke or 'accident/incident' as a test to test my ability to beat the tasks I've been set, as small as;

Making a cup of tea, walking upstairs, walking in public, thinking about myself, gaining confidence, talking about my emotions and so on..

I feel like I've passed the test of my ability to control these things and the main task of adapting to only having the use of one arm, people would tell me I'm really motivated and that i must be really determined..

Truth is I never was, i just aimed to make myself happy again and not suffer from what had happened to me.

I will always have different tests even opening a can of beans can be a struggle..

But you try and try and don't let your brain give up, you focus on what you've done and how you could be where you were,

I'm 'here' or 'there' as people would say 'you'll get there lizzie' 

Now I know where the destination was, a place that I thought was impossible to reach.. I mean at times I have really down days where I actually feel like screaming and thinking 'fuck this shit I really can't be bothered anymore, fucking stroke'

I tried and tried to accomplish my set 'tests' given to me by physio's and occupational therapists, it took a while..

I'm on my own now, it's about coping and dealing with life in the new way and most possible way I can with my adaptations.. 

I need strength determination and motivation to get up go and smile everyday till I feel really happy about where I've come; mentally and physically.

My neuropsychologist left just over a year ago but I've coped, I've tried as hard as I can to reach my goal of returning to university and finding things to do to pass the time.. 

Now I'll understand and possibly agree if you tell me I'm really motivated and determined because I never want this to define me or beat me. I've been weak and I'm not going back.

Getting on with life

'You need to accept what's happened to you Lizzie'

Words I never thought would actually be believable..

You wouldn't, not after you cant walk, use your arm and have no confidence whatsoever..

I'm over the milestone of feeling like I should create my 'new life' as the girl who suffered a stroke.

In hospital I would of written about 200 thank you cards for; support, kindness and just visiting me.. Helping me know that I have moral support and did have friends..

Now if I could I'd only write 5.

People couldn't and can't handle my brain injury, you can't express why you laugh to the point where you have stitches over the smallest thing.

You can't explain how you can't take in two things at once anymore and that you're walking fast because you're focused on one destination..

'Lizzie it's this way..'

You can't explain how no matter how many times you've walked that route but even a day Later you've forgotten the route you just know where you're headed..

I walk to the best of my ability, I don't need to think about it as much, unless I'm walking downstairs or I know the person I'm with wants me to speed up..

I get scared

'Am I walking really slow? Ha I'm so sorry I walk well slow'

( anxious smile) 

'Are you embarrassed about my arm? Cause I can hide it..'

Obviously everyone I first meet or actually know says.. 

'No course not don't be stupid it's who you are'

Because their scared to look at me and say 'a little bit..'

I can walk looking ahead now, 

'Liz you need to learn to look up when you walk'

Something my mum would say..

I only get brain freeze on the right side of my head, no idea why maybe because it's so affected but needs to process the freeze..

And no I can't feel when you poke me  anywhere on my left side..

You wake up with a numb arm and think it's the end of the world

'Oh my fucking god I can't feel my arm!'

My whole left side feels like that, or I should say 'doesn't feel but is like that'

'You honestly can't even tell Lizzie you look completely normal'

Yeah because you can't see what goes through my head..

The struggle of, 'does my arm look hidden enough under my jacket?'

'If I smile does my face look wonky'

'Is my lip liner high enough to cover my drooped smile..

as weird as this sounds..

Sometimes to check that my mouth is equal when I talk I have to reply to myself in the mirror saying 'no Lizzie what you're wearing shows that massive plastics thing strapped to your leg'

I hide it as much as I can to not embarrass who I'm with..

I smile when I'm extremely hurt because I know that I should be proud of how far come..

I think to myself everyday 

'This has made you so much stronger and you've done something that no one else could.'

"Lizzie you're really strong that person who's sighing behind you while they have to wait to walk downstairs really slow will never see you again"

I still panic..

It's who I am now, it's what my brains decided to become,

You either accept my faults and problems or leave my life and never try to enter it again,

It shows how weak you are to not accept someone with a brain injury as bad as mine..

Don't say sorry, just walk away.

'I don't know if I could do what you're doing'

You could.

No other way to put it,

When you're given a chance to prove what you're worth and have enough support from family and friends, you realise that you have things to live for; disabled or not..

You find yourself struggling a lot, but that's only a tiny set back and some things need to take you through a hard stage till it starts to get better..

You'll start seeing yourself improving slowly but surely..

Stay positive and keep yourself happy.

You'll start to turn your grumpy face into a smile; wonky or not..

You'll struggle through little setbacks and the amount of tablets you take a day will scare you at first, the way you start to view the smallest things like; waking up in the morning or even being able to say

'This is my life I've been given a second opportunity because I have something to live for..

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, 

Don't listen to the crap of 'you'll get where you want to be'

Because sometimes you fail and nothing will be perfect again,

To put it bluntly you'll never recover fully..

But you'll recover to how you want to, you could give up or just let it beat you,

But when you start doing that you then start to slow your recovery down..

It's fucking shit and makes you feel depressed but it's worth it when you learn to deal with the emotional set backs,

Everything's a test, take it as you only have this last chance to live..

Ignore the people in your head telling you that you'll never be 'normal' 

That 'you're failing'

You can't' you could be the fattest,laziest,grumpiest and not even motivated to carry on.

Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to get you anywhere and you'll just stop your brain remembering that you have something to live for,

You'll notice you're pushing away your family, friends and support group because all they hear or see you doing is moan..

Would you visit or want to be around someone who moans constantly?

Would you be around someone who you've told can get better but won't listen to you?

Your brain feels like it's not a part of your body but it is..

It's the strongest organ in your body, it's the reason you're still here..

Don't let the stroke become your life,

You're worth more than some idiot in your head trying to destroy your life..

Listen to upbeat music 

Listen to your family and friends 

You'll be this strange version of normal, but remember the person who you might of seen walking down the street thinking and wishing you were them is

'Perfect' this strange delusion in your head that there is such thing as perfect isn't true.

They might be suffering too..

You're more inclined to stop your brain recovering if you compare yourself to; how you used to be, how you should be, how people view you and how you want to be..

No ones perfect or normal.