It’s a little bit funny

‘That feeling inside’

*Brain fog*

Those who have brain injuries really struggle with this, because just like accepting they have a brain injury (hidden disability) that will never disappear, no one believes or understands when we ‘explain’;

Close your eyes, shut them really tight and then open them really quickly, this is how I view the world (since my stroke) this is MY brain fog..

Brain fog..

You think you remember what you were doing but the swishing sound repeatedly going on inside your head and  in your ears is putting you off remembering what you needed to remember (damn)

Brain fog..

Sit down, stand up, sit down, stand up..
Yes you feel dizzy, so do ‘we’ every bloody day! We wake up after a ‘nice nap’ but nope still dizzy..
Your dizziness probably leaves you within seconds of the first steps you take..
Mine definitely stays with me.

*is it a bird is it a plane?!* nope it’s
Brain fog..

It’s like a sheet of transparent light covering your eyes, worse when you’re outside, you assume you’re going blind or you’re mentally insane..

Brain fog..

That fuzzy feeling that is in control of your brain after a brain injury.

Sometimes..

I don’t know why
And I don’t know how

And some might think ‘oh but surely that’s a good thing?!’

But it’s not..

Sometimes I forget..

I’ll turn around to quickly forgetting my balance isn’t as good as before and nearly fall
I’ll take a step in the shower and forget that the slip matt is genuinely saving my life

Sometimes I forget..

I’ll walk really fast and either trip or fall
I’ll plan to do things after a busy day and forget about being exhausted

Sometimes I forget..

The medication box is empty because I’d of forgotten that I need to take medication for numerous illnesses..

Sometimes I forget and you’re probably thinking it’s a good thing
A good thing I’m forgetting about my disability

But it’s not, it’s dangerous

Because I shouldn’t forget


But it’s my brain injury

Messing with my mind and testing me, again.

Drop foot

You’re the reason I wear a  support around my ankle which makes people stare
You’re the reason I walk slower without the support, so I don’t fall

Drop foot..

No one knows I have you because I hide you quite well..
You’re difficult to ‘train’ because you’re such a complex part of my brain (like my hand)

Drop foot..

You’re the reason I fall sideways instead of straight in front of myself
You’re the reason I have scars on my leg due to my splint cutting my ankle and shin from the early days of trying to tighten you so much

I assumed that if I pulled the straps that assisted my ankle would bring my ankle back

People stare, they’ll look down then look up because they notice that I’ve noticed them looking..
That’s a confidence knock

Drop foot..

Fatigue

Everyone gets tired
But fatigue is different and unless you ‘suffer’ with fatigue you will never ever understand,

Understand;

The days where you’d wake up from the ‘recommended 8/9 hours of sleep’ but still be exhausted
The naps you wake up from but feel so drained you just fall back into a ‘deep nap’
The nights where you try to socialise and watching other people to try and see how they don’t get tired

‘To be *normal*
Wait..

What is normal?..

You feel ashamed to tell people you’re tired because you don’t want to let them down
They’ll never understand your brain is re-wiring


Every step I take
Every time I speak
Every time I think
Every move I make
*no I’m not attempting to sing..*

Fatigue..

I call it
Fucking annoying tiredness I get unexpectedly everyday
LOL :)

Fatigue..

YOUNG and disabled.

what is your definition of disabled?

no seriously?..


This is due to recently being asked to move out of a chair because I 'wasn't press' by Tracey Emin's brother..
Before this I was given looks by older people throughout the speech as I was sitting down, I wasn't able to stand because I was really tired ( Fatigue).
and this made me feel really uncomfortable..


"Why are you sitting there!?!?"
"She's disabled she can't stand"


I don't have a walking stick -  anymore
I am no longer in a wheelchair
I am no longer being assisted by someone when I'm 'out and about'

but I am disabled..

I cannot use my arm
my balance is awful
my brain is damaged
I suffer from epilepsy
I wear a splint that helps me to walk

I am disabled..

If I was older, would you stop me to ask 'if I needed that seat?' if I 'needed to use the lift?'

because thats what happens..
Its uncomfortable, not only living with a disability but being discriminated against
because of my age.

Younger people can be disabled.

I count myself as 'lucky' because I could and was much worse than I am now..

I cannot confront you to argue my 'case' why should I have to?
why should I embarrass myself by explaining my 'story' to you, just to make myself happy and be able to sit down..

I am disabled..

A dark cloud watching over you.

I’ve written recently on anxiety but recently thought I should explain in depth exactly how it feels because it’s only explained as;
‘A worry or fear, such as a fast heart rate’

But, reality is it’s so much more than that...


Anxiety is..

The dark cloud that follows over you everywhere you are and go, you know it’s there but you can’t physically see it which is probably why people assume you are ‘just wanting attention’
It’s the sudden shock of panic you get everytime you feel something touch you, or someone walk near/past you
It’s the loss of breath you suffer from when you re about to do something you’ve never done before
It’s the upset that you show on your face along with the bags under your eyes from the lack of sleep that anxiety is causing you..

Anxiety is something you try to forget about because that’s the only way people try to help
“Just don’t think about it, you’ll be fine!”

And the reality is, deep down you know you will and are

But;
anxiety stops you believing in yourself..

noticing

It might just be me and it may just be my brain injury..

But I notice a difference
we are the same
we are just connected differently (not slightly, quite a lot)

I notice the difference in myself depending on who I'm with, when;
we talk
we walk
we react and our emotions are different..

But we are the same
slightly :)

I can't read small print so when handed books or told to 'read descriptive things' I won't understand and will avoid it completely.

not because I don't want to try but because to scares me

it scares me to realise you can understand but I can't.

But we are the same

I dont understand your jokes or your sarcasm or how you try to describe something (usually the joke you've just tried to tell me) and I'm sorry for that

But we are the same

When I say the same I mean in a way thats the fact that we are both human
I just live with a brain injury..
which I'll admit I need to accept.
slightly ;) 


''does that make sense?''..