Exercise refferal

 I've never been the type to go to the gym, I had no motivation before my stroke. The daily mail lied, I only went to Zumba once..
Since my stroke I've joined the gym and stuck too it, I was mainly going for that 'bikini body' as hard as it is to exercise with one arm and unable to run or do much, I've lost a stone in a month, you receive 12 weeks of gym at a reduced rate, you join supervised sessions and one to ones with an instructor, to help you learn how to use machines and get you a programme written up to structure your gym time, you slowly progress as time goes on; I've improved so much, I'm much stronger and able to do a lot more, I go atleast twice a week as in starting to understand people's 'gym hype' my excitement is so high after its like a drug.. I've met so many people and it's made my confidence and independence so much better
Honestly it's the best thing I've done since my stroke, my fatigue is so much better and I feel so healthy, instead of sitting inside..
My recovery is down to me now, do something for yourself and get referred from your gp and watch your body progress..

You were very wrong..

You're a professional and I understand that I believed everything you said, trying to change my goals and distancing myself away from what I wanted and my own independence..

(old blog post)....
Sunday 14th September 2014
''I'm off to a rehab centre''

I've written my future goals with my neuropsychologist to plan what I want to achieve when I go to the rehab centre;

I want to learn how to be polite
I want to return to university again


I was told that i'd probably have to wait till 2019 to return to a university I had to leave due to my stroke and how I needed to recover more to even think about studying

I was told it might be 'best' to move away from home to go to a rehab centre to 'become independent' they expected me to move away from; home, friends. family and where I grew up

I was told i'd be in a wheelchair for at least a year, that i'd struggle with a lot of things from; self care, walking, motivation, independence and my emotions..

I did but I certainly wasn't going to let anyone estimate when I would walk again

Two months after leaving hospital I discharged myself from the physiotherapy the NHS give you, 'ICT'  I never took it seriously because they'd stop me walking and doing what I wanted to do.
I knew when I was ready, I knew when I could walk, stand and become a 'new' me.

I discharged myself from 'carers' that would; wash me, dress me and teach me 'how to do makeup ( MY makeup) excuse me.. it's MY face.

I made it my goal to become the 'best part of me' to recover to become some of the person I was before my stroke..

I trusted and believed in the 'professionals' because you're expected too, thinking they know 'whats best' and how they'd compare you to other patients they'd be working with..
( usually old)
Believing them made me; angry, anxious, scared and too upset to even believe in myself and listen to my body..

( old blog post)....
October 2014;

''Cognitive Tests''

I long for the day I can walk through UCA"S doors and return to uni, i'll have the biggest smile on my face

I want a 'return to uni meeting' and to just go back

I'm not even going to explain how far i've come because if you've followed my blog posts you'll know exactly what i've achieved and i'm sure you could all say that its because I believed in myself,

If I could give one bit of advice to stroke survivors, it'd be;
believe in yourself, no one can tell you what to do or how you'll achieve something
It's your brain, your life and your body.

Not every disability is visible

I have many scars on my brain,
The scars on my leg show progress of my muscle growing,
The  dents on my skull show failure in my brain but strength to survive a minute of a breakdown within my skull

My disability isn't completely visible and never will be

"Oh my god, I genuinely can't and couldn't tell you've had a stroke"

" you can't even notice your splint"

" you can't tell that you can't use your arm"

" your face is symmetrical"

* walk straight Lizzie, bend your knee when walking up curbs but not down, you'll fall*
*yawn*
* Lizzie come on beat the fatigue, you've been through much worse*

I've been living with a serious brain injury for over two years now as you all know...

It's not visible, but it's serious;

When you joke, I don't get it..
When you're sarcastic towards me, I can't distinguish the emotion..
When you're winding me up, I get aggressive and assume you're angry with me...
When you stare at me, I assume you hate me or think I look weird

My brain is damaged and full of disconnected cells, trying to reconnect,
Slowly progressing day by day
You can't notice the scars as they're on the inside..
My recovery is slower than others but my feelings are still there.

I'm getting better
" how far on are you in your recovery?"
* piss off, there's no percentage*
" no idea, probably 30% if they put a percentage on it.."
* hopefully that's a good enough number..*

You can still talk to me, I'm human and I'm happy
I'm just living with something that makes me different to everyone else (you)

A little place I now call home

Okay so it's not that little..

I've moved out of my mums house and moved in with Liam into our own place..
Something I never thought would happen but has (obviously)

The first part was the most stressful;
* Lizzie wake up, come on just relax*
I smashed my head on the bathroom by having a huge sezuire

I've enjoyed decorating the whole place, obviously everything is girlie accept the Chelsea scarves we bought when watching the football match once.

It's odd moving away from everything you knew and understood, I mean I never knew you had to pay for water..
The first few nights were quite hard
*lizzie come on you wanted to move out..*
"Liam I'm so scared, I hate being away from home"

I've broken up from university so obviously I'm back to sitting around or cleaning,
It reminds me of when I first came out of hospital, the fears of moving around because the space was so new, the fear of getting in the shower incase I slip..

It's all gone now, they've fitted small reminders of the fact I'm still partially disabled;
A rail in the shower, easier opening doors and probably a lot more that I can't remember

I got so scared of how far away I am from everything I need to be near; the hospital, doctors, university and of course town for shopping..

I've been practicing walking to and from just so I get used to it for when I go back..

Moving out is all part of the recovery process after a stroke, might seem insane moving someone who's got a brain injury into their own place, but it was my choice over the rehabilitation centre..

It's part of the 'independence' stage..
Aswell as; washing/ drying yourself, walking, talking, thinking and many more things you can loose from a stroke.


I'd upload pictures but my phone won't let me..

"I read your notes and I can see we've seen you before"

door bell goes, the horrid ringing sound that I usually ignore if I can't be bothered to limp to the door..

"Hi Elizabeth I'm Sarah!"
*shes an OT, dirty green coloured trousers long white dress thing.. oh my god flash backs of being forced to see these people, nights of looking forward to never seeing this uniform again*

"Hello"
I walk to the sofa..

I've been referred to see the intermediate care team again (ICU) the physios and occupational therapists (for those who don't know) who visit you at home after you leave hospital..

"Right I'm going to give you this care plan to keep"

* really? More goals?!? I sigh in my head but smile and try to relive the past*

"Ha! I remember these I've got hundreds of care plan sheets from when I was first recovering"

Luckily she only wrote one; new hand splint ( I've grown out of mine apparently)

"Okay I'll check your hand range so I know what I'm working with.."

* bloody hell, my hand doesn't even work with me so good luck..*

The usual arm grab, fingers go from bent to straight stretching the muscles, bending the wrist up asking what I can do with it.."

I thought I'd moved on from all this, I have but it's because I'm getting sick of not recovering, my leg hyper extends (meaning it bends back further than normal when I walk)

My speech therapist says I need to be careful I don't get problems with my hip because I don't want a hip replacement..

"your progress has been remarkable, i've enjoyed watching it"

*shit shit shit oh god, my first tutorial with my course leader*
"Hello Elizabeth would you like to come in.."
"I'm so nervous because I'm scared I've failed the year"
*why did you say that he can tell you're nervous you're talking so fast and arrived 20 minutes early*

"Don't be silly, you've passed and regardless year one doesn't count towards your degree.."

*phew! You can stop the staring now Lizzie..*

"Is there anything you'd like to discuss about the year and any concerns"
"No not atall, I know I need my attendance to be better but that's all I can think of.."

On my progress and mark for my projects I've done this term it said about my attendance even though I'd given medical evidence of the hospital appointments I had on those days...

"We didn't mean it against you, you just need to try to come in everyday in year 2 and 3, the people who mark it are different and don't know your illness so don't worry"

" I know I need to try harder with my work as its not as good as other people's"
" Lizzie you're still recovering"
" yeah walking here and being here is basically my recovery "
"Well when I first saw you about returning you looked very ill and needed something to focus on"
"It's been so nice to watch and see you recover, we've all said about how you're getting on.."

" that's all for the talk and tutorial meeting as long as you're happy with your work"

slow down..

This time believe it or not the title isn't about me telling someone to walk slower..

In two years i've managed to overcome things I would of never achieved before the stroke, I won't even bore you by listing them because it's all I ever talk about..

When I was recovering at first I hated my life and wanted it to speed up
mum would hug me and dry away the tears of hating my life, wishing I was normal, complaining I was a freak and hating everyone for leaving me (which is normal....)

I have everything I ever wanted and much more than I ever thought i'd gain..
accept a hand..

It's so scary, focusing on goals that are so big and depend on the rest of your life,
Moving out
university
and so on..

It's all happened fast that it's scaring me,
the talks about
''what doors do you want easier access locks on??''
''Are you able to open the cooker?''

*Ugh I really don't know, I just want it to be sorted, isn't it just a door?!*..

everyone does and says so much and it's stuff I can't take in properly
even at uni, it's;
''right, do this, then that, then this..''
I get headaches on my right side only, in my head..
Is my brain adapting??
*please don't adapt to this crazy world of constant movement and stress*

*Liz come on, you wanted to be ''normal''*

I keep telling myself to stop overthinking..
*Liz, maybe you rushed back and rushed everything to quick*...

I don't want to be where i was in 2014; stressed, unhappy, scared, ILL and more importantly too selfish to understand my body was failing.

I still forget so much, I have a whole 'notes' page on my phone of things i've seen during the day that I won't remember in the evening.. just to tell people ''funny things''

*Are they really funny though liz?*

I look around every time I actually get a break to try to analyse this world and where I belonged to be for so long,
hiding in the anxiety and fears of anything dangerous, repeating in my head that i've achieved more than the person frowning at my hand across the road would..

I don't want this feeling forever
and I don't want my brain to shut down, again

I just want to feel calm, in this 'normal' world i've reached (strange goal of mine as of 2014)
* Liz, you wanted this normal life*