We shouldn't have to do this..

I try to walk around everyday trying to gain more confidence releasing my arm, letting it hang as it feels and will..
I get stares from young and old, this stops your confidence, but what ruins it the most is the benefit programmes

"She doesn't deserve money, she's able to work"

stepping out of the car, my mum realising how anxious and stressed I felt, not by my face but by how she's followed my long journey of recovery, not only from my stroke but my;

epilepsy
nephrotic syndrome
benign intracranial hypertension
essential thrombocythemia
my stroke and it's side effects

The brain injury it left behind, not only the disability

Sat in a waiting room surrounded by adults just as nervous, exaggerating their illnesses thinking the receptionist will write down how they're suffering or will tell the doctor their waiting to see to explain why they can't work

Why should people have to describe their capability and everyday struggles, to someone who nods and acts like they care.. only to rate them out of probably a very low percentage that will never explain anything

"Elizabeth Ashmore-Fish?"

The 'neurologist calls my name, they had to ask a neurologist to take my interview as apparently they could 'asses me better'.

No one can understand the pain we go through everyday

She questions me on how my stroke affects me

"and were you right handed before your stroke?"

I simply reply ''please don't tell me I'm lucky because I get that a lot"

she laughs..

This is just another patient to them, someone they can go away and probably judge as they walk out of the really heavy doors.. down a long and narrow pathway to their car.


Even today after years of living with several illnesses no one thinks to ask how they make me feel, no one even bothers to tell me I'm coping..

Nephrotic Syndrome:
Everyday I'm downing water to see if I'm weeing
staring into the toilet to check the shade my wee is, poking my ankles and checking my eyes to see if I'm carrying fluid.
constantly hearing my mums voice in my head 'Liz, have you wee'd today?'
remembering the weight I gain when I relapse and take the steroids.

Epilepsy:
The constant fear of having a seizure, anywhere any place and anytime, The constant walking in places where there are loads of people so if it happens, people will find me.


Benign intracranial hypertension
The aching back I still have from my lumbar puncture, sometimes getting excruciating headaches where I can't hold my head up.

Essential thrombycothemia:
Taking my iron tablets and chemotherapy everyday, brushing my hair and checking if any has fallen out.
reminding myself I'm on a 'mild dose'

Stroke:
wondering if I can walk without falling over a curb and smashing my head where I can't stop myself with my arms, my splint that rubs and cuts my ankle, the arm and hand that hang so much it gives me neck ache, my memory thats still returning but will always be affected. also like the fatigue I get most days.

So thats how they affect me..
A 15 minute conversation won't ever explain this. nor will a rating.

It saddens me to think about how the government can put disabled people through these interviews and give them the feeling of guilt, anxiety and worry that even though they'd love to return to work, (mainly to stop the people who ask "are you still receiving  benefits?") to shut up. We/I left reminded of my health and how its always there, no matter how strong I feel on some days, but how ill I can feel.

So this was my interview and MY opinion, this took me 5 minutes to write, and I myself will get a percentage of those who've read this blog post. Not of those who judge if you're capable of working again.

Stepping back..

unaware of if people still follow my long and difficult recovery by following this blog..

Something that I based my life around, it's stressful to move on from everything that a stroke can do to you; as a person, your dignity and anything else you assumed would stay with you forever from confidence to independence..

I've stepped away from something that was the only way to describe me for about two years,

I see numerous posts about other 'survivors' achievements and how they're suffering from the devastation of their stroke and the aftermath of returning home, I support those who express their anger towards it.. but worry about the ordeal attacking the only part of their brain that functions properly..
who am I to judge? Something I'd get upset about if others judged me..

I've completed year two at university with;
4 B's and three C's
Basically a 2:1 following on my adventure to year three..

I am starting work experience at Kent community health trust working alongside the graphic designers to design the health magazines you may see in your local GP surgery or on a table of magazines on a desk in an office..

I start my journey as an adult who's regained her confidence and independence.

I hold my head high and my arm hangs at any position it feels comfortable with, my leg moving faster than ever.. my smile as strong as me..

I am who I am

My stroke is my past and my head will constantly be held higher than ever before.

You've done this before..

It might be year three nerves, it might be my confidence..

*Lizzie you're fine, just be loud and clear*

On the day..
"I just realised normally when I do presentations it's about myself"
When I read a presentation I write a script that I can read from as I still struggle to remember something's..

We had our dissertation proposal yesterday and it's something like 10% of our final grade
(No pressure)

Before I stood up my sugar level dropped to the point where my friend had to give me about 5 Oreos..

I've always struggled with my sugar levels and yes I have probably been tested for diabetes at some point.

Anyway
As I stood up to present but my nerves kind of got the better of me,

I talk so fast in general and I was told to slow down but it just blurted out of my mouth..

I held my head high in preparation to seem as if I knew what I had researched

Like I said this time it wasn't about myself/my stroke so it was very difficult to know every bit of detail.

"Don't die of ignorance"
Those alive in the 1980's may remember this campaign..

(I hope anyway)
It's about AIDS and how to prevent it..

I showed an advert that I thought would give me an opportunity to calm my nerves, definetly didn't work, I just found myself miming the words to it
Keen?

Nope just really intrigued by the whole subject matter.

Dear Diary..

Dear diary
Today I learnt to stand, balance and brush my hair all using one hand! My OT says I might be able to go home, they just need to talk to my doctor.. I can't wait! I'm so excited to be at home where I belong..

Dear Diary
Today I found a notebook full of diary posts written by myself three years ago, lists of things I could and couldn't do, I read several sentences that expressed my happiness and excitement to return home, now a place I call my mums, now a list of reflection and positivity.
My world is different, surrounded by different things such as; feelings, confidence and much more, so much more that it would take days to write and I wouldn't want to bore you all with that..



" I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax,and stop trying to hold on to it, and it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude" *American Beauty - 1999*

Hello it's lovely to meet you..

My name is Elizabeth Ashmore..

Today I experienced a student panel, I was the only student, our 'job' was to question architectures brief and check they were satisfying students with their teaching skills..

The nerves were bad until I started..
*oh no there's stairs*
"Excuse me.. could you take the lift with me please?"

No one asked me what had happened, I'm still slow on stairs because my knee is weak, I find it slightly embarrassing but only because I'm young and walk downstairs like an older person..

I had a really nice day, chatting to different people and coping without learning support..

It was my day, no one could tell me what to do.

It may define me..

But it's no longer my life..

2014 - I hated every piece of my body, from my appearance to my brain (who had never actually done anything wrong)

2015 - Unhealthy relationships and loosing people who I was once dependant on,
I needed a change, to achieve something and have something to work towards ( I started university)

2016 - A very positive year, one to reflect on forever, I became engaged and moved into my own place ( with Liam) I also finished my first year of university..

2017 - where am I now?

I'm currently near finishing my second year at uni, I no longer hate my body, it may have its flaws and may be different..

Social media - a MASSIVE problem, (mainly to all stroke survivors)..

You reflect on someone you will never be again.. you assume people who want to be in your life via a friend request are your 'best friends' (when really they only want to stalk you)

you end up researching EVERYTHING
"will my arm work again?"
"will I ever be normal again?"
"how to recover fully after a stroke"
*stop brain stop*

You can't resit the temptation of finding out a load of *bullshit* from google..
No one is ever going to be the same as before after a stroke or brain injury..

and thats life..

Ive learnt to have a break from; Instagram, twitter and I haven't had Facebook for over two years..

My stroke is not my life, but to some it defines me (those who helped me along the way.. mainly nurses) I'm the "young girl who had the stroke"

You need to accept that you can never change or predict your future you just need to live in the present.

This is my life,
that was the past and i'm only aiming towards the future
I am the present.

I am Elizabeth George Ashmore
(forgetting the -Fish) sorry nan and grandad..

I suffer a stroke, but I have accepted that.

My disability doesn't stop me..

I currently live with 5 illnesses;
Nephrotic syndrome
Epilepsy
essential thrombocythemia
Benign intracranial hypertension
And stroke..

I have paralysis down my left side; affecting my left hand ankle and toes mainly.

I never let them stop me doing what I want, if that's from clubbing, drinking and anything else 23 year olds do,

After my stroke I was so hurt and ashamed of how I looked, what I couldn't do and how I was affected.. if I'd let that take over then where would I be now?

I'd be looking at a depressed anxious young woman who gave up on a chance to live her life..

I admire those who don't give up,
Young and old..

A girl goes to my gym who's blind, she never moans and doesn't give up.
Most of my goals have been achieved and I am still creating more..

Disability affects over 6.9 million people in the U.K..

I have down days and up days but I'm on a rollercoaster aiming higher everyday.