Walking

Oh my god..

Those first three words that I think came out of my mouth when I took my first few steps, even now whenever I stand up after waking up I genuinely can’t believe I’m doing it.

I’m standing!
It’s actually really surreal to think that I couldn’t do it at one point,

Sometimes I do forget..

My leg swings and I do stop, people stare and probably think, what the hell is that girl doing?
Because I just stand and stare at my feet.. I tell them what to do, *move come on! Move..*

Some people ask
“So, where did it happen?”
I was lucky enough to be asleep..
but I feel for those who were awake walking around and would of collapsed, if that happens?
Paralysed.. unaware of why, how and in shock.

My walking will forever improve, I do walk to fast sometimes but I’m doing it and my legs are moving..

Paralysed..

I still technically can’t use my arm or hand ‘functionally’
Which is a regular occurrence for stroke survivors as it takes longer to ‘recover’

“Oh sorry!”
‘Nope it’s fine, I can’t feel it :)’
*the stare of confusion..*
‘Oh it’s paralysed, I can’t use it it’s numb’
It’s as if you’re holding a heavy weight..
sometimes I’ll find myself leaning to the left (not sure if it’s the stroke side effect)
Paralysed is when you sit on your hand for ages you pass the pins and needles stage and let the numbness stay..
forever

I’ve stopped with the whole ‘this is what happened crap’ as it’s so boring now.
Those who know me know, those who want to judge me can judge me and those who want to find out can ask..

Beautiful reflection..

“Okay it’s a 20 minute scan of your brain have you had one before?”

I just lay there still as a rock, gripping onto the squidgy button they give you to squeeze if you need help..

I had my second MRI to ‘check everything is okay’

The last time I was in this particular scanner was when I was oblivious to the world, exhausted, paralysed and terrified of what was going to happen next..

This time I knew..

‘You've achieved SO much!’
‘Look how far you’ve come’
and look where you are..

Exhausted from spending the day at university and spending my time working on my project about neuroplasticity..
*if it wasn’t for this reflection you wouldn’t of created such a fantastic project*

I was Managing to hold in the tears, I just lay there gazing into the mirror that showed a reflection of a dark room that once showed my; step dad, mum and numerous doctors terrified, anxious and some crying..
this time,
a nurse just eating a sandwich..
Oblivious to the fact I’d been through so much..

an MRI..
And the beautiful reflection..

Living with memory loss..

I’m sorry, can you repeat that?
Does that make sense?
Do you understand?

I’ve recently started adjusting to the fact that my brain injury includes a main factor; memory loss..

I find myself screwing up bits of paper that we’re once really helpful and important when checking my ‘notes’ in my phone it’s lists and lists of
‘What to buy’

Things you’d think a young woman would remember..

‘Foundation’

I mean, I can’t live without the stuff!

My memory is slowly getting better but is still affected and no one can help me gain it accept myself, so I shall continue to write numerous lists and take photographs of different stages of things I’ve done just to remember what to do and buy

Curious..

I know you’re curious
I can see
I can feel the stares
You’re all staring at me..

The way I walk and how my leg swings
I know I’m different

You’re just curious

You can stop to ask me
I really don’t mind
Just don’t stare
I can see you
I’m not blind..

Curious of my disability
Curious of my arm
I’m creating my own version of normal
And it’s taken a very long time
But I’m finally starting to feel comfortable and happy

So let me be.

Fight or flight..

I’ve only just heard of this term but it made me think of pretty much my whole life because of everything I’ve been through..

“How do you do it?”
“Oh my god, you poor thing!”

Excuse me..

I am a human being..

I could either sit on my ass all day everyday and give up on myself crying and feeling depressed
Or get up and realise I have got a life to live and lead

I understand it might be a different and difficult life and I will have hard days but that’s it

‘That’s life..’

What’s life without a fight?

*No I’m not going to have a physical fight*

When I feel down I think of all those LOVELY people who doubted me and that makes me realise I will and can ‘fight this’

There is no reason to be down because I’m so far into my recovery..

Life is tough

But it’s fight or flight

And I’m creating my version of normal

This is the fight.

Me and MY disability..

Everyone struggles, that’s normal..

And everyone who has a disability has different ‘symptoms, struggles,worries and so on..’

“But you’re not disabled!”

Hidden disability? Duh* (rolling eyes emoji)

People have this strange assumption that because I’m a young woman clearly looking healthy as I am capable of standing on my own two feet, that ‘I am not disabled, because oh yes;
Everyone that is ‘disabled HAS to be in a wheelchair’ *myth*

Life is full of judgemental people and people who make you feel really uncomfortable, I’ve really struggled with this since my stroke due to how people treat me..

‘I stood up and put my coat on showing everyone my arm doesn’t work so they knew I had a disability’

‘Liz, you shouldn’t have to do that!’

I shouldn’t but I do..

Me and MY disability.