Just a setback

Waiting in rooms full of red leather chairs surrounding the room filling it with a dark presence of what the next step might be..
*calm keep calm..*
We're all in the same position awaiting good news or bad, once the doors labelled 'consulting room' are shut you never know the persons result or story..

I've learnt to cope with the endless waiting and worrying and timings getting mixed up because there always late..
I'm on numerous amounts of medication stopping different things I have wrong with my body, I've lost track of what 'normal' is, the scariest thing about it being, I always tried so hard to become this normal life I thought was normal..

I know my life will always be a blur and probably a test to see how I can cope with different 'things' but it's making me stronger and helping me overcome set backs..

speech and language therapy..

''yeah do you remember when that bridge crashed into that van''
*Lizzie, you've got it mixed up, correct yourself*

''Lizzie, slow down you're talking so fast...''
*oh god, I needed to fit in everything I had to say..*

numerous questions are asked after i'm read a paragraph by my speech and language therapist, sometimes more than once..

*Lizzie, wake up get back on track, try to remember whats being read to you*

''Are you sure? do you need me to read it again for you, as you've completely made that up and created a whole new story..''

*urgh! I honestly thought i'd remembered everything that was read to me, clearly not.. come on brain*

''This exercise is to help with uni, as you need to learn to pick up little details within your work and possibly in lectures, as it will help towards your work''

''You seem in a good place at the moment, less wound up and more calm''


I don't know what happened to my speech after my stroke, apparently ''everyone gets their words mixed up'' but I think people tell me that to make me feel better.. I know the tone of my voice changed.

Things not to say to someone with a brain injury..

people who have a brain injury can be; more sensitive, emotional and unable to control their actions, no one can tell when someone suffers with a brain injury especially if you've only just met them, some people with a brain injury can be quite obsessive and suffer with OCD to the point where they get aggressive when you change their plans,

I suffer with a lot if not all of these problems with my brain injury..
With my brain injury obviously I suffer with physical disabilities so people assume that's all I suffer with..

Things not to say;

"You're basically back to normal"
Most people with brain injuries won't become who they were 'before' normal is a term that offends people with brain injuries..

"You're so strong and brave, I don't know how you do it"
Were not really doing anything accept trying to train our brains as much as we can, reconnecting and reflecting on how to become 'well' we're only being strong because we have no other choice..

"I don't know how you do it"
Do what? We're so confused that we just carry on living how we've learnt to cope with life, the way our doctors taught and trained our brains..

"How does it feel?"
You can't feel much, the emotions come and go, your brain can get frustrated you only feel it in your mind.. It feels horrible to be asked certain things and people assuming you're not 'normal'

"you look the same, I can't even tell"
I can everyday I look in the mirror, pass shop windows or get stares because of how I try to hide the physical disability.

"it must be so hard!"
Don't patronise me, I'm an adult with a child's brain, always learning, developing and growing just not as fast as yours does...

"I read somewhere this person fully recovered"
No one makes a full recovery, it's impossible to create a new brain and life when the brain cells have been so damaged.
Recovery is a life long process


Most people don't know how to react or what to say, I've experienced so many strange comments and smiling at people I once called 'friends' and recieving a look up and down and all I receive is a dirty look, you won't understand I don't want you too, you'd never fully understand but I'll carry on my recovery trying to understand how to train my brain..

Exercise refferal

 I've never been the type to go to the gym, I had no motivation before my stroke. The daily mail lied, I only went to Zumba once..
Since my stroke I've joined the gym and stuck too it, I was mainly going for that 'bikini body' as hard as it is to exercise with one arm and unable to run or do much, I've lost a stone in a month, you receive 12 weeks of gym at a reduced rate, you join supervised sessions and one to ones with an instructor, to help you learn how to use machines and get you a programme written up to structure your gym time, you slowly progress as time goes on; I've improved so much, I'm much stronger and able to do a lot more, I go atleast twice a week as in starting to understand people's 'gym hype' my excitement is so high after its like a drug.. I've met so many people and it's made my confidence and independence so much better
Honestly it's the best thing I've done since my stroke, my fatigue is so much better and I feel so healthy, instead of sitting inside..
My recovery is down to me now, do something for yourself and get referred from your gp and watch your body progress..

You were very wrong..

You're a professional and I understand that I believed everything you said, trying to change my goals and distancing myself away from what I wanted and my own independence..

(old blog post)....
Sunday 14th September 2014
''I'm off to a rehab centre''

I've written my future goals with my neuropsychologist to plan what I want to achieve when I go to the rehab centre;

I want to learn how to be polite
I want to return to university again


I was told that i'd probably have to wait till 2019 to return to a university I had to leave due to my stroke and how I needed to recover more to even think about studying

I was told it might be 'best' to move away from home to go to a rehab centre to 'become independent' they expected me to move away from; home, friends. family and where I grew up

I was told i'd be in a wheelchair for at least a year, that i'd struggle with a lot of things from; self care, walking, motivation, independence and my emotions..

I did but I certainly wasn't going to let anyone estimate when I would walk again

Two months after leaving hospital I discharged myself from the physiotherapy the NHS give you, 'ICT'  I never took it seriously because they'd stop me walking and doing what I wanted to do.
I knew when I was ready, I knew when I could walk, stand and become a 'new' me.

I discharged myself from 'carers' that would; wash me, dress me and teach me 'how to do makeup ( MY makeup) excuse me.. it's MY face.

I made it my goal to become the 'best part of me' to recover to become some of the person I was before my stroke..

I trusted and believed in the 'professionals' because you're expected too, thinking they know 'whats best' and how they'd compare you to other patients they'd be working with..
( usually old)
Believing them made me; angry, anxious, scared and too upset to even believe in myself and listen to my body..

( old blog post)....
October 2014;

''Cognitive Tests''

I long for the day I can walk through UCA"S doors and return to uni, i'll have the biggest smile on my face

I want a 'return to uni meeting' and to just go back

I'm not even going to explain how far i've come because if you've followed my blog posts you'll know exactly what i've achieved and i'm sure you could all say that its because I believed in myself,

If I could give one bit of advice to stroke survivors, it'd be;
believe in yourself, no one can tell you what to do or how you'll achieve something
It's your brain, your life and your body.

Not every disability is visible

I have many scars on my brain,
The scars on my leg show progress of my muscle growing,
The  dents on my skull show failure in my brain but strength to survive a minute of a breakdown within my skull

My disability isn't completely visible and never will be

"Oh my god, I genuinely can't and couldn't tell you've had a stroke"

" you can't even notice your splint"

" you can't tell that you can't use your arm"

" your face is symmetrical"

* walk straight Lizzie, bend your knee when walking up curbs but not down, you'll fall*
*yawn*
* Lizzie come on beat the fatigue, you've been through much worse*

I've been living with a serious brain injury for over two years now as you all know...

It's not visible, but it's serious;

When you joke, I don't get it..
When you're sarcastic towards me, I can't distinguish the emotion..
When you're winding me up, I get aggressive and assume you're angry with me...
When you stare at me, I assume you hate me or think I look weird

My brain is damaged and full of disconnected cells, trying to reconnect,
Slowly progressing day by day
You can't notice the scars as they're on the inside..
My recovery is slower than others but my feelings are still there.

I'm getting better
" how far on are you in your recovery?"
* piss off, there's no percentage*
" no idea, probably 30% if they put a percentage on it.."
* hopefully that's a good enough number..*

You can still talk to me, I'm human and I'm happy
I'm just living with something that makes me different to everyone else (you)

A little place I now call home

Okay so it's not that little..

I've moved out of my mums house and moved in with Liam into our own place..
Something I never thought would happen but has (obviously)

The first part was the most stressful;
* Lizzie wake up, come on just relax*
I smashed my head on the bathroom by having a huge sezuire

I've enjoyed decorating the whole place, obviously everything is girlie accept the Chelsea scarves we bought when watching the football match once.

It's odd moving away from everything you knew and understood, I mean I never knew you had to pay for water..
The first few nights were quite hard
*lizzie come on you wanted to move out..*
"Liam I'm so scared, I hate being away from home"

I've broken up from university so obviously I'm back to sitting around or cleaning,
It reminds me of when I first came out of hospital, the fears of moving around because the space was so new, the fear of getting in the shower incase I slip..

It's all gone now, they've fitted small reminders of the fact I'm still partially disabled;
A rail in the shower, easier opening doors and probably a lot more that I can't remember

I got so scared of how far away I am from everything I need to be near; the hospital, doctors, university and of course town for shopping..

I've been practicing walking to and from just so I get used to it for when I go back..

Moving out is all part of the recovery process after a stroke, might seem insane moving someone who's got a brain injury into their own place, but it was my choice over the rehabilitation centre..

It's part of the 'independence' stage..
Aswell as; washing/ drying yourself, walking, talking, thinking and many more things you can loose from a stroke.


I'd upload pictures but my phone won't let me..