out with the old, in with the new

Okay so, Imagine all your clothes shoes and bags being laid out on your bed. All the memories; memories you have of stumbling home, walking to uni, going to work, the top/jumper you bought yourself that you'd wanted for so long and had saved up so long for, the heels you knew you wouldn't be able to walk in but thought.. ''ahh i'll give it a go''. The shorts that never really covered your bum but you wanted to look nice and show off. The dresses you'd wear clubbing, that were tight enough to see through and tightly hold your bum in, and the photos you'd face sideways for just to be able to show how tight it really was, and how ''slim you felt when you wore it''  The jumper your friends would look at you and be like ''you look nice liz! I love your jumper, where did you get it?''

Well tonight I did exactly that, Mum held up the  dress I wore the last time I went clubbing, or ''out'' I held it in but just wanted to cry, stumble onto my knees and hit the floor screaming ''I want my life back, I want to be normal like my friends, why me?'' But instead she recognised the face I pulled and just went ''ahh bin?'' All I could reply was ''I've only worn it once..''
I gritted my teeth as all these clothes were being held up, some still had labels on.. Some i'd only worn once, Some didn't even fit me, And when I tried them on I knew but just wanted to be in with the fashion..

Remember the crop top fashion. when everyone was buying strange crop tops that never really covered their boobs and even if they shouldn't of been wearing a crop top, they let it all hang out.. A few of those came out, obviously I said ''bin''


Okay so I now have 6 massive bin bags full of clothes i've binned...

Money i'll never get back, clothes that someones slaved over making and money I'd worked hard to earn to waste on these clothes and shoes.

My mum held up the pajama top I was wearing when I had my stroke, i literally got shivers run down my spine, I don't know what it is but theres something about it that is just a no go.. ''BIN'' I shouted dominantly. Then the flash backs came, The flash backs of being completely paralysed and dragging my body to my stairs so the ambulance could ''find me'' My mums face as she glared at me confused and unaware of what to do, I mean what would you do? The moment when the lady paramedic stroked my face and was like ''oh love'' as I weaped just laying flat on my back. After they done the f.a.s.t test on me.



I'm going out for a surprise meal and then for drinks in Canterbury saturday night, So I wanted to wear something nice.. I'd got it planned in my head but I have to wear a leg splint that is huge and plastic, So I have to wear tights, I know people will stare but they can jog on.

I asked my mum to help me put on my tights;
'' it wont cover your splint completely liz you will still see it''

I just sighed, '' yes I know mum, I just want to be normal, I just want to look like everyone else''

She stroked my back and hugged me, '' I know you do love, but for the time being your different to them''

''I burst into tears, I know I am, I have constant reminders of it, I just miss it, I miss the text conversations about what we'd all be wearing to go out in, then when we'd be getting ready there was always one that had the nicer outfit, the one that stood out and you wanted to just be like that. You envied one of your best friends because they looked nicer than you.


So anyway, I slipped into my tights and skirt that still fits me thank god!!  And to make life feel even better I managed to get my russell and bromley's on, I looked up at my mum and just burst into tears.
'' look mum! I'm wearing them, I feel normal again, I look nice!!!''
She asked me to walk in them to check I could.. I took two steps and cried even more, She stood up and hugged me, So tight that it clicked my back..

I just weaped in her arms, more than the day I found out I might never be the same, more than the day she told me her and my dad were splitting up.
''it wont always be this way liz.. you do know that don't you'' 

She grabbed my cheeks and wiped away my tears..

''Yeah but what if it is, what if people laugh, what if i'll never get my life back''

''Just look at how far you've come already liz, it's only early days...''


There is no stronger bond than the love between a mother and a daughter, hopefully one day i'll experience this.


Words can't describe the feeling of having lost something so major and having to adjust to it, having to adapt your whole life, wardrobe, social life, personal life, fashion sense, practicality... 

So live every minute as if it were your last, because you never know whats round the corner..