Mission Acomplished

''Liz you could go tidy your room''


I literally shat myself because I haven't properly cleaned it for months, I mean emptied all the make-up i'd just buy because I thought I needed a new bronzer and the crap foundations that are nearly empty but end up in the; ''You'll probably need this soon'' draw. That to be honest never gets opened.

I also threw away some perfume my nan bless her thought i'd like but would end up being a toilet spray or a spray that when your room smells you'd spray to hide any random stench if your friends were coming round for a ''lets get ready before we go clubbing'' night. Yeah my house was always that house because I live so close to the clubs & taxi's would be cheaper from mine to The Cuban.

I spent probably a good 3hours cleaning, because it was an absolute shit hole. I changed the time on my clock that i've been waking up to thinking was correct for probably 4months now. ( doesn't help my confusion). I threw away old photos of me and people I don't talk to anymore clubbing because that probably didn't help me realise I can't do that every weekend anymore.

I also stuck up a ''unhelpful thinking habits page I received when I was in hospital and threw away every unwanted or needed hospital letter, making me realise how far i've come from everything and giving me at least three new places to put more crap that will just be hoarded and not cleaned for a while (my bad but everyone does it) don't even deny that if you read this...


Oh my god the best thing about all of this was teaching myself to light a candle and light a match with one hand nearly setting fire to a bag full of the hospital notes (luckily my house is still standing and the bags are in the big bin safe and not burnt) quite pleased about that to be honest.

I had a read through all the cards I received in hospital, finding old birthday cards from my work mates and old school photos nearly breaking down thinking ''can't I just go back'' (even though I hated school) You would if you went to Chaucer though...


I then got so tired I actually text Dan asking him to drive to mine and help me because I was so tired I got confused and forgot where I was..


I sat on my bed sorting out a folder labeled ''Lizzie's stroke notes''
Inside was full of things i'd had from hospital and lists of goals i've achieved one of them being ''learn to shower independently) I read two bits of paper that had things i'd done and how upsetting being stuck in hospital was, I just threw them away and thought ''meh been there done that''


I kept replaying music over and over, putting all my old heels into a box and hiding it so I don't have to see them looking at me and making me feel like crap after seeing everyone's ''yeah we went clubbing and got so drunk I get to spend all day in bed eating crap'' photos. who'd do the  ''hand on hip we're so attractive'' photo's (everyone does and I have) . Or ''lets pout until we look like a duck'' photo's, could go on forever...

I then found a drawing my dad had drawn on my oldest set of draws in my room which quoted:
''While Lizzie is in bed reading me a book before bed''
Can't remember the date but I must of been about 3/4.
That got to me most, as I should cherish the draw and fill it with the most important stuff, but nope it became a '' Unused make-up draw'' again.  ( sorry dad if you read this).


I find it so hard to get rid of stuff, like you might think it's easy, it's probably a side affect of my stroke, but I don't really know, I have like 5 bags that have bloody designer names on them, which I know for a fact I only kept because they have like; Chanel, Pandora, Tiffany & Co etc...' written on them, my mums always coming into my room grabbing them and just shaking her head saying 'Liz, really?' Makes me laugh because yes girls we see your Instagram photos of your bed but making sure you've squeezed a glimpse of a bag with some designer name written on it, hiding the Sainsbury's bag thats full of your rubbish in the corner. We've all done it, And I am guilty.


I remember being about 15/16 and getting people to write on my wall that led up to my room (when I was in the attic room, for people that came round mine before my stroke) my mum hated it. I know why now, the numerous signatures of different people and some of the gayest quotes like;
''Life might be hard but keep strong''  Or some crap that didn't make sense. This took about 6 coats of paint to cover over (god knows why I actually decided to do it).


All that remains on my walls now is sheets of paper that have my leg exercises next to my bed.

I have no idea why but I really wanted to change my sheets,  oh wait I know because like everyone states over twitter and stuff:
'' fresh bed sheets are so good''
Because they are, i've never actually changed my bed sheets with one hand and this time mum did help, BUT I did one pillow and i'm happy with that. Obviously my mum gave me the 'Liz for gods sake really?' look... then laughed at me and told me I make her laugh because I couldn't get the bottom sheet over the corner and did my regular '' Fuck this shit I give up'' quote said in anger ALWAYS.


I was so tired and confused that when my mum left my room I threw up in a bag atatched to my door, Dan just told me I need to rest and stop, so I did :)

So confused

Do you ever just get those days where you do something and you feel so confused after, like you feel as if anything anyone says to you wouldn't make you feel better, Or where you're waiting for someone to just put a hoover to your head and hope it will suck out your confusion.
I get this everyday, No matter what I do, no matter where I am it happens.
Too be honest it's happened a lot recently because i've just received abuse off people that used to be my best mates, i'm juggling trying to recover from a stroke to being told constantly that I don;t make any effort. Would you? if they didn't talk to you anymore. I got shouted at because I said that seeing them go out constantly and not invite me was stressful and upsetting me, ''How is that stressing you out Liz?!'' hmm... Oh and this continued onto twitter and then text messages, I found out it started because i'd un-followed them, because seeing all their ''yeah we're having a great time'' photos actually made me cry.


I can't stop feeling confused and stressed recently, everyday is a juggle between trying to do something that makes me smile and trying to recover from a really serious stroke, I don't know how you do it anymore, like I don't know how to stop feeling like this and all I get when I say it's how I feel is.. '' You wont be like this forever this is temporary you know''

You know what really hurt me the other day and it's the fact my dad text me for the first time in 2/3 months asking ''what's new'' not asking to see me or how I am.
well nothing's new accept I can go a day without falling asleep, I can now float in a swimming pool with someone holding my back. Oh and I taught myself how to make cheese on toast because my OT didn't turn up.
I lost my bank card and bus pass this week because I was so stressed about posting items i'd sold on Ebay and walking through town on my own. It was as if someone was kicking me constantly and laughing, I had to walk with my head down and try not to take in people's stares.

Feeling a connection

I know it's completely different and I honestly can't imagine being burnt or my house being on fire but I watched EastEnders earlier and literally feel how Kat felt aiming to leave the house and being so scared you just freeze and stand in a spot feeling so lost confused and as if everyone is talking about you.
When you have a stroke you can end up with serious disabilities, that could last your whole life of be temporary, I remember the first few times I was asked to go out and meet friends or just go for a walk somewhere with my Physio's I was so scared, terrified in fact, trying to push out all the stares and people just looking at you, I remember just hugging my physio after the first ever walk I did around my estate and just repeatedly saying ''why me? please just make this all stop, please just take me back to the days i'd be me and accepted''

It's a lot easier to leave the house now but you still get all the same worries, instead of looking in a mirror at how my make-up looks, I look to see if I look normal enough to be accepted. It's something that some people never gain or get back; confidence, and I was told it was one of the hardest things to get back after my stroke, but luckily I can leave the house without the crying and worrying of what others think.

The best day of my life so far...

Many more amazing days to come but my 9month stroke anniversary 100% smashed anything i've ever done.

I had my second radio interview with radio 5, They paid for me and Dan (my boyfriend) to get the train & a taxi to and from Canterbury to st Pancras and I was told i'd be given a tour around the BBC studios and radio one, As in my first interview I said i'd love to meet Greg James ( obvious reasons, girls should understand ;) ). When me and Dan got there the presenter started by doing my radio interview, it was me and Nikki Fox the lovliest lady i've ever met and a lady who's a trained stroke physio. As my physio's refused to be involved.
I was asked all the regular questions mainly about how I was getting on, as the interview is following four disabled people all learning to walk for different reasons. The presenter of my interview remembered how much I loved Tom Pearce from Towie (The only way is essex, for the old people that don't know the slang word for it). He got me a voice recording of Tom saying about how well i'm doing and how I should carry on watching the show, Honestly i've never smiled so much in my life.

After my interview me and Dan were shown all around the news rooms where they film; the weather, the news and gather all the news stories to broadcast.
We were then taken to Radio One, Greg James's presenter said he was too busy to meet on that day but said we will try to fit something in soon.... AHHHHHHH!!!

Mw and Dan were so amazed by everything, it was HUGE. All the live lounge was being set up. We did see Charlie Sloth but not gonna lie, He pisses me off so it didn't actually amaze me.

We then decided we were hungry so me and Dan got the tube to Holborn tube station, and decided we fancied Nando's, as I was feeling determined I said i'd walk to Covent Garden from Holborn tube station, it took a while but I was so up for just proving I can do it. I did make Dan go in MAC where I bought some mac up and bless him, made him stand and wait, But we did see a lady from HollyOaks, again, she's not interesting so we just let her walk out and carry on looking grumpy.
We then got a taxi to the train station as I was knackered and got the train home, hoping Dan didn't  have a ticket on his car. ( which he didn't)

The truth about it all..

So when you're in hospital they don't prepare you for the days you might go on a boat and try to walk across without falling over, They just prepare you for; washing yourself, feeding yourself, dealing and coping emotionally with whats actually happened to your body.


To be fair it was quite funny, but scary, I tried to walk to the toilet while the boat was moving but failed, My legs were all wobbly and I shut my only working hand in the toilet door. As well as being really sea sick, I did manage it. But they don't tell you stuff like '''oh by the way walking on a moving ferry or sitting on a plane gripping the seats hoping the height doesn't cause another stroke or explosion of blood clots in your brain again'' is whats to come, as well as feeling like life's going to be this way forever and emotionally dealing with people staring at you like you're not allowed to have a disability.
And the numerous amounts of people that honestly think saying ''well age is on your side'' is going to make you feel any better, ''oh yeah age is well on my side, I had a stroke at 20 so yeah age loves me!''

I try to hide how that comment makes me feel, but if only you knew how rude it feels and angry it makes me, just like 'well luckily  you're right handed!' Yep luckily, but honestly try putting leggings or a bra on with one hand. or fighting the fatigue on a daily basis wondering if the next conversation you're about to have will just shut your brain down to sleep mode where everything feels impossible.

another thing that really annoys me is ''You'll get there you're getting stronger everyday'' Yeah so strong that I still have to sit on a stool in the shower because my leg shakes so much if I stand for longer than 5minutes. Bloody love my left side. :)

''she had a stroke in february and needs to do something to get her back to uni''

So last night I went to look around Canterbury College, didn't go as well as I thought it would, we spent an hour being redirected around to different posts to talk to different people.
They wrote my name on a sticker and I stuck it on my chest.

I went there to talk about doing a nail course but all I got was;
''ahh I find it so interesting, The course will be harder but you need to do things you wanna do''

So yeah thanks, well helpful and not patronising at all.

I saw a board full of pictures and stuff i'd of done at my uni, I instantly sat down and asked if i'd be able to do it. unfortunately because I already have a BTEC Extended diploma in Art & Design which got me an unconditional offer into university they said i'm too 'over qualified' something I honestly never thought i'd hear. My mum even laughed when they said it. Shows you how unlikely and how shocking it was.
As we walked out I just needed to cry. My uni is right next door to the college (UCA) and I literally looked over and felt my heart drop, I'll never skip a day of uni again or say I hate it. Because truth is when somethings taken away from you, it makes you realise how much you actually enjoyed it.

So I sat in the car, and just cried, My mum held my hand and looked at me with the most caring look saying  ''It wont always be this way Liz, if Dan was here what would he say?'' I just laughed and smiled uncontrollably.

The only good thing that came out of visiting the college was a guy asking me if I was in Year 11. My mum laughed and was like ''well at least you still look young''


So I need to plan my next step of my recovery, because that was a huge fail.

Oh my god, are you okay?! what happened?

Yep thanks for pointing out I look as disabled and vulnerable as I feel, so kind of you.

I've had this question so many times, but what shocks me is its mainly from nurses, I'm sorry but I find it ridiculous stroke clearly  isn't shown enough as awareness so people prevent it from happening. Trust me if you lived with my 'new brain' you'd instantly quit smoking and go on blood thinners. But i suppose i'm only saying this because I live with the side affects everyday.

Made me laugh yesterday when the nurse asked me 'Are you okay? did it hurt?' ... oh and guess what came next;
''but you're so young, thats rare isn't it!''  too be honest, yes it is but when you've had a stroke you seem to find a whole community of ''apparently too young'' stroke survivors and people who's lives flashed before their eyes.

When people actually ask me 'what happened' I literally just go ''oh I had a stroke :)'' Because I could be so much worse off than I seem to; look, be and act. It's exactly the same as when people sarcastically smile at you in the street, may as well have a sign over my head that states what happened. You wouldn't ask someone in a wheel chair why their in one, would you? So why does having a slight limp and me holding my arm change the reason to ask openly and rudely ''whats happened'' And yes I would be ''okay'' if you stopped asking.

I watched the housewives or orange county the other day with my mum, and my god if they had a stroke, how would they cope? Honestly, it's like Kim Kardashian. It's all; money, shoes, partying and being famous.
The other day I got so frustrated that Patrick hasn't been on Eastenders in so long, Just because it's such a good way of raising awareness and actually weirdly makes me not feel alone in this strange world i'm living in.