Swimming in the deep end

Everyday is tough, every week gets harder

But this is how to explain it so others understand 

I'm not asking you to understand and I'm not asking you to feel what I feel 

I'm just asking you to stick by me and my emotions. 

I'm unstable I'm unsure and I'm grieving for something, I find everything I do a struggle and I find my world harder to cope with most days. 

It's like when you learn to swim and you're hovering on the slant between the deep end and the shallow end, you know the part that determines if you can float or swim. The part that makes you feel confident enough to just swim for miles, 

I used to get so excited to conquer the days, so excited to 'try new things' and even more excited when something happened that I wasn't expecting, now I hate it.. 

I sat talking to my doctor the other day asking stupid questions 

'Will I have another stroke?' 

'Will my blood get thicker?' 

'If I had another stroke would I die?' 

Every question he had a seconds silence before answering.. 

So now I'm stuck in a hole of 

'will life always be this shit?' 

Don't talk to me just because I've had a stroke because it hurts more than when my old friends shouted at me for just trying to make myself happy.

I'm trying to 'live my life' I'm trying to 'get on with it' but it's so hard..

Taking on everything

I feel like I've destroyed my mums life and ruined my own, as much as I try to smile and deal with everything that's wrong with me, inside it's the hardest thing.. 

'You're making me ill liz I can't live like this'

This is said to me on a daily basis but all I can do is just deal with everything, I mean, I hate what's happened to me and if I could I'd reverse back to before my stroke and 'look after myself' as my mum would say... 

But I can't, I'm stuck with the guilt of destroying what was a 

'perfect household' 

I feel I get the blame for so much now, I never used too.. I mean yeah, not 'doing my bit' but when you physically can't find the motivation to do anything, I want too.. I don't want to be stuck at home forever I want my independence back. 

I found it, and lost it quickly..

My hospital appointments are all lies; 

'You're recovering well' 

'Yeah I'm really good thankyou, I can walk thats the main thing' 

When it's shit, my leg aches and I walk in a wonky line.. And I have to wear a peice of plastic velcroed to my leg/ankle so it holds my ankle up. 

I used to love everything, I'd smile while bopping along to uni, and enjoy getting ready everyday just to make myself feel good.. Girls will understand as its a thing makeup does. 

I do love my life, I have the most amazing boyfriend but it's hard, I try so hard to show him I'm not weak and that I can be brave.. But I'm scared that if I become the old me he would run away like my ex did when I changed after my stroke. Trust is so hard, you either have it or you don't. 

I've lost all my friends.. I get shouted at for helping myself and unfollowing them on Twitter or facebook because I'd do anything to be like them, I'm so jealous.. 

I'd do anything to sit and chat about 'the weekend' or how 'that dress goes with those heels' 

I blame myself because if I'd of been 'good' and not spent my early years partying or experiencing clubbing I wouldn't wish I could do it again, I'd be a regular adult And just get on with my recovery. 

When I know I'm seeing my dad, I always get so nervous that I end up making up a lame excuse just to not go, I feel I have to impress him, don't ask why.. 

I've always done it, he's the one parent I don't see much but when I do I feel I need to be a different person. 

I'll spend hours getting ready and put the bravest face on throwing all these lines out about how amazing my strokes made me feel because I just want him to be proud 

'Oh but he is proud liz' 

Yeah... When you hear him saying 'well Andrew marrs back at work' 

He sits down to work and his stroke was like two years ago.. 

That's why I feel like I don't make anyone proud. 

But I try, I make myself proud but I don't want to be selfish.. 

My cousin james is working in China and my little sister is so good at reading that my nan and grandad basically bragged about them to dan when they met him. He realised it too 'they didn't say much about you babe' we laughed but inside I cried.. 

'All that matters is you liz' 

Well yeah but also how I come across to other people, I really can't think of anything worse than becoming this stuck up selfish and rude young woman, who's spent so long 'thinking about herself' that it would seem no one else mattered 

I tell myself that I am who I choose to become.. 

Sometimes that's hard because you get up days and down days.. 

That's common after a stroke, 

But the hardest part, one minute I'll be dancing and laughing with dan and an hour later I could be pushing him off me because 'I feel crap' 

As I write this I'm sitting listening to music  as I crave music now, I got so agitated yesterday because dan was watching TV while I was doing my makeup so I couldn't listen to music, I missed it.. 

I kept singing in my head all the songs I want to listen too. All the songs I listen to are from when if be out with mates, or getting ready, just to test my brain and see if I miraculously end up becoming a mathmatics genius (highly unlikely even when my brain remembered stuff) 

But I'll carry on fighting it.. 

I get little flash backs but nothing I really want to remember; random moments, 

Drinking , eating certain meals, sitting in my media classes at school, sitting in the school toilets bunking maths with Rosie being so scared we'd get caught, sitting on Laura's floor doing my makeup to go out in hernebay or whitstable on a Friday night. 

All stuff that doesn't matter and never did nor will.. 

I miss being the crazy one, the one who's say random stuff and be laughed at for saying the most outrageous things, none of which made sense.. To be honest I'd only say them to get attention. ( this is the only time I'll admit this) 

This is by far the longest blog post I've done, and I'm sorry for those who find reading tiring, my fingers aches and I'm definitely going to sleep well tonight.. 

What it feels like

So 'what's it like living life as a 21 year old stroke patient'...

Shit

Hell

Boring 

And confusing

You look around wondering who's the last person that looked at your dodgy arm or watched you wobble to your destination, 

I wonder how many people know what's happened to me...

I wonder who realises how hard everyday can be 

You never realise how hard something like this can be until it happens. 

'Oh hi I saw you in the newspaper' 

Yeah I regret that... 

I gave a nurse an hours lecture about strokes today, all I was there for was to have a blood test for an appointment I've got about my kidneys 

It started by the usual 

'Oh what happened to your arm'

Her pretend sympathetic face was priceless. I carried on by talking about strokes and why I had one.. 

She then decided to say she nearly had one but carried on by saying 'I still smoke though'  don't bullshit to me. 

I just laughed and went 'well I always said it would never happen to me and I nearly died so yeah haha'

But seriously though I'd give up the smoking... 

That was the first bit of advice I was gonna give this lady the second was 

' you know your body more than anyone and only you can tell when you're not right' 

She smiled, 'wow your mum must be a very proud lady you're so determined' 

'To be honest, I could sit there and feel sorry for myself constantly or do something to change it, I've been given a second chance at life I may aswell make the most of it' 

She smiled as I walked out.. Slowly... 

I then sat waiting for the bus home with the largest smile on my face. 

An ambulance passed me with the fast advert on it. Again I smiled 

'Yeah I survived that' 

Life's tough, 

showers take twice as long (means I get cleaner eh?) ;)

Walking up and down stairs takes even longer, so gutted if you're behind me while I walk up or down them... 

Staying awake is tough, I drift off so much the other day after an epileptic sezuire I started to drift off 'Liz wake up!' 

'I'm just resting my eyes...' 

I lay my clothes out on the end of my bed for the following day, everything has to be planned otherwise I get so stressed 

My bras are all broken cause I have to do them up before putting them over my head 

I can't have baths without someone helping me in or out or waiting for me incase I have a sezuire and drown. 

(Baths are rare... Now)

I can't walk down hills without my leg aching to the point where I nearly cry, subways are so tough.. I have to swing my leg forward in order for it to actually balance me on the ground 

Putting shoes on takes twice as long, my splint gets stuck. 

Where my leg gets no circulation as it's still kinda paralysed, every night my toes turn blue and itch. Until I put fluffy socks on 

 

The left side of my body slowly drops as the day goes on, so don't give me that ' Liz your coats falling off' I know... 

I can't take in conversations without getting confused or tired

Oh and I take over 12 tablets a day 

That's stroke life.... 

Who's next please?

Okay so I'm not gonna lie but for the first time I braved getting my blood tested on my own. As you sit there waiting for your number to appear, your fingers getting all tense and your brain going into over thinking mode 'what if I faint?' 'Will they know it's common for me it mean there's no point for me to stay in hospital' 

Slightly dreading the number appearing but slightly looking forward to your blood test to just be done and forgotten about 

I have the weirdest journey at Canterbury hospital 

'Hi Lizzie! How you doing?' 

Again I just smile, thinking...

' I don't want to know you but I do.. But I know you wouldn't like me if I hadn't had a stroke' 

The blood lady ( this is my nickname for them) could tell I was so scared she decided to ask what perfume I was wearing as she stuck the needle into my vein, quite a good conversation starter actually. 

I just put my headphones in and walk to the destination I'm expected at; Physio or  pathology if I'm lucky sometimes neurology. Infact that's a lie I hate my neurologist. 

You're stuck in a waiting room surrounded by people that are all thinking the same thing and sharing the same fears as you about getting your blood tested, that's rare.. 

But yet no one starts talking to one another we just swallow our emotions knowing it makes us more scared. 

So here's my turn 

'Who's next please'

And this time, it's me... 

'I don't need that anymore'

We all have 'clear outs' of our rooms, under our beds and wardrobes

Mine seems to be weekly, I ran out of hangers and realised it's mainly because everything i'd go clubbing in was hanging up just waiting to be worn again, all the dresses and short skirts, short enough to see my underwear if I bent over. Yep I was one of those girls... 

Unfortunately 

But here I am, putting those clothes in boxes and shoving them under my bed hopefully never to be worn again 

I've decided I have no need for the outfits I once 'loved' and the tiny skimpy blue dress that showed off the outline of my ass anymore, 

Why would I? 

Who would even take a second glance anymore. I don't need it 

Nor do I need to put my health under serious circumstances anymore 

You know for the first time in over a year I'm actually excited to find out how my kidney function is, because I haven't been binge drinking or partying till early hours every weekend. 

Yeah I was also one of those girls.... 

The

 'eurgh she has a boyfriend and her skirts so short' 

believe it or not, I behaved everytime.

There's a huge difference between those that go out to seek the single desperate guys and those who respect that their in a relationship and only wear what they've chosen to wear because it's in fashion. I liked to class myself as one of those girls

You have arms for a reason it's not hard to forcefully push the sleezy guy trying it on with you, away... 

Remember, you can get cold sores from kissing I mean who wants that? 

How many other desperate girls has that one guy kissed that night... 

So yeah long story short (well ish seeing as I basically told you everything...) 

From now on my health comes first, not any of these boring clubs that is always moan once I stepped foot in them because I had no air to breathe. Worming my way out to the smoking area getting repeatedly burnt by smokers just aiming to get air, that's the place I wanted to be... Not the dance floor that smells of puke and large girls/guys sweaty bodies and alcohol. 

I think the hardest thing about today was just looking back at the outfits and thinking

 ' oh my god did I actually wear that?!'... 

It shocked me, I mean one dress had holes on the hips so you could see my hip bones poking out, it looked awful.. 

A good clear outs better than hoarding crap you know you don't need. 

FAST

F- face 

A- arms

S- speech

T- time (to call 999) 

One of the most important and vital adverts/ life saving words you can hear. 

They say that the longer you leave someone I identified of any of these symptoms, the more of the brain that'll be affected. 

It's hard to identify and realise, I mean; 

You lay on your arm funny and you feel weak 

You try to eat and dribble and you think your mouths wonky

You have a night out and try to speak but your words can get mixed up (from the alcohol) 

I mean I never thought I'd have a stroke, I even laughed about it the day my face did start drooping, 'ha, what if I'm having a stroke' 

Then... Yeah lol, you know. 

The day my arm went numb

'Ha, what would you do if it stopped working' 

Then... Well yeah again. 

'Babe your necks pulsing' 

'Na it's not.. It's fine' 

When actually a blood clot was stuck in my neck probably aiming to travel to my brain even quicker than it did... 

'Chloe, I don't understand the uni work, can you help me' 

Severe pins and needles were rushing through my face down my left side

'Liz are you okay?!' 

Probably thinking (what is wrong with her?) while my face was just dropping Infront of her, so much so that I could feel  my left side failing. 

I remember walking (stumbling) home from uni that day, I thought I was just tired as we'd had a lecture that morning and I had work the day before.. 

That was it, my brain was failing and I didn't even realise till I had the stroke. 

 That's when all your memories of how your body was actually warning you comes back to the point where you just start to hate everyone around you and want to just scream with anger ripping off the sticky pads attached to your body in different places. And the blood pressure thermometer attached to your index finger. But you can't, you're to weak. 

'Just fucking get me out of here take me home' 

So this advert means more than you think and these warning signs can harm you more than you think. Remember you know your body more than you think, 

You feel odd? Don't ignore it. 

You get headaches? Don't ignore them. 

You walk wobbles? Don't ignore it. 

And if you get any of the Fast signs, then please don't ignore them. 

http://www.nhs.uk/actfast/pages/know-the-signs.aspx

new year, new start.

''oh not another one'' you're probably all thinking..
Mainly about the whole ''new year new start'' things people who actually change nothing normally post on facebook..


1. start thinking positively
2. be happy constantly.
3. recover more
4. less arguing (no arguing)
5. stop my unhealthy addiction of social media (it's just bullshitters, unhealthy binge drinkers, fake friends, a waste of time, no good for my brain, depressing oh and runs my phone battery down, ( no one wants that.)
6. walk more, no matter how; tired, ill, weak or 'not in the mood' I feel.
7. gain my memory back.
8. spend more time with family
9. look after myself ( no binge drinking, accept christmas, family parties and if Dan fancies a drink.
10. decide on going to Banstead ( if given the oppertunity)
11. Hope my dad wants to see me and keeps in contact on a regular basis.
12. appreciate my amazing boyfriend more.
13. go back to uni, or start a new course.
14. keep up with the regular tv shows; hollyoaks, made in chelsea, towie & any other shit itv decide to publicise.


Okay so when saying that list, it seems shorter. But in actual fact it's huge... Maybe the first 6 & number 12 apply more than anything ( only because i'll 100'% forget most of them & they're more)

number 14 was a pointless one, it's just so if I do make friends I have something interesting to talk
about.


If you want to contact me, you know my number as you'd be my true mate if you wanted to keep in contact.

Just to put it bluntly.
It's true, I have no time for time wasters or fake friends anymore...





inportant)