As much as I try and explain to my family and friends how it feels to be unable to control a part of your body and almost have a label over you of 'having a stroke’ staying strong is so hard.
Imagine feeling lost and unsure everyday, sometimes isolated, wanting to get up and go but having a nurse stop me from doing simple things that I can do like; transfer into a chair just to do my make-up or even go and have a shower, the kinds of things that everyone can do at home to feel comfortable and happy.
It’s got to the point where I ask for the blood tests to be taken out of my 'bad arm/hand' to be able to feel pain, a different pain to feeling scared and upset. I'm scared to see anyone I know that hasn't seen me yet in case they stare at my arm and wonder. I've basically given my body to the nurses, they have to watch me wash and dress because I can’t do it alone, as much as I try, it's impossible.
I fall asleep so early because I just get scared I'll have another stroke, even though it’s unlikely, it will always be a fear a bit like a scar, you can't remove.
I feel tired and hungry but when I nap I just don't feel satisfied, when I eat I’m still hungry I’m never satisfied.
Imagine thinking so hard about moving a finger or toe and staring at it, that you almost kid yourself that its moved. I've forgotten how to. When I can’t do it I lose all positivity and feel disappointed in myself.
I’ve started to hate watching people who just use both hands and arms or even walk around and don't have to think about which foot goes first.
I know that my time in here isn't going to get any better or be any fun, but at least I have support to get me through some of these negative thoughts and for that I'm grateful.
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