I suffer with epilepsy which is another separate damage to my nerves within my skull..
Why should I explain that me walking straight and not being able to process quick enough to move 'out of the way'
Ill try the best I can, I promise..
The blur
It might just be that I'm over doing it and I'm extremely fatigued, fatigued to the point of actually picturing myself just slumbered on the sofa *ahhh my comfortable sofa* a safe place, safer than where I am now..
Walking through the mist avoiding eye contact with strangers walking and pushing past me, not recognising or understanding that today is probably a 'bad day'
Bad days
They come and go, mostly they 'come' just appear! *BOOM you're still suffering with this brain injury, I will never go..*
They are a struggle, literally the worst! But when you see people you know, just before you take a deep breath and plan to be 'the best version of you' so they can see your strength shine through..
Beautiful inside
My brain scans scare me, the colours so bright from the 'CT scan dye' the dye that they injected through the cannula when I first arrived in the hospital, looked up and felt the BURN as it rushed through my veins..
I still feel that..
Viewing the world..
Do I take it all 'in'?
Do I experience the whole world? Not travelling obviously because ill never be able to experience that sort of thing, looking around and trying to not seem crazy, every morning when I walk to university I look up, experiencing the 'old parts' of each building (is that my brain injury becoming fixated on something?) fixated like people with autism or Aspergers sometimes do with trains..
The sides of my eye vision are slightly blurry, is that my brain becoming confused?
Confused
Why? Why am I disorientated, not just on bad days but everyday.. I know I'm tired, I know I'm still reconnecting but why? Why do I feel like I could just sit here and start talking to myself and not care what people around me think?
Not caring
I spent SO long being 'let down' 'dumped' and 'left' left to just be alone.. it was always my fault, well it was made to feel that way, then I was made to feel 'insane' for becoming so fixated on trying to establish why they left me, why? I'm not going to care what you think, you can push me as I walk through town but you'd never understand, nor would those who left so suddenly.
Life
It's with me to stay, that does scare me (only slightly) but will I feel like this forever? Will I always feel this disorientated?
'You're on a lot of medication it might be that?'
*i manage my iron levels by taking my iron tablets and chemotherapy*
Just like having to manage my sugar levels to stop seizures, confusion and disorientation
So let's poor a drink (not alcohol, I wish! But water to take those tablets)
And hope for a 'good day!'
:)
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